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Non-Fiction Competition Win

Filed under: Autism, News — 8 Comments
June 18, 2012

Last Thursday, I had the great honour to be named winner of the Walsall Writers’ Circle 2012 Non-Fiction Competition. The fact that all of the entries read out at the meeting were of a hugely impressive standard, makes this award all the more pleasing. Here I am with judges, John Lester and Stuart Williams, being presented with trophy which I get to keep for a year until the 2013 competition.

Walsall Writers’ Circle is an honest, friendly group and I recommend anybody in the locality with an interest in writing, to give it a go. My winning piece – The Invisible Nation, an article on autism, can be found in the Autumn 2012 edition of Blackcountryman Magazine and still on the Walsall Writers’ Circle website, if you scroll down the page.

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Takes to the Road

Filed under: Sunday Roast — 2 Comments
June 17, 2012

Feels like I’m back in school.

Do you remember the experience of going back to school after summer and being asked to write what you did on holiday? Well, this week’s roast is just that. You see, last week, I was away with the kids and actually, this blog should have been posted then. However, due to certain technical limitations (i.e. my mobile phone modem wasn’t strong enough to upload photos at more than one every century), I had to post my reserve blog instead. Therefore, enjoy now, tales of what I did on my sunny holiday.

Okay, so the weather wasn’t as good as one might have hoped. Still, seeing as that Jubilee bilge was a washout, I suspect the Gods of fate would decree I had it coming after what I said about the sponging royals in a previous roast. Also, nine times out of ten, I get glorious weather on holiday in England, even when I go out of season. Therefore, one little blip, the first for years, I shouldn’t really complain … But I’m going to.

Bloody stupid weather. How dare you piss down and wreck my holiday leaving me cooped up in a caravan with three kids having to listen them playing playstation games. Not only that, we were in the caravan nearest the road so I had cars waking me at regular intervals as they drove past in the night. Grrrrr!

There we are, what was the other side of my head on the pillow. A few feet away from Top Gear’s Hammerhead bend.

I should have known it.

I have this plant at home. It’s the only one I’ve never managed to kill within a few weeks of entering my abode. I’ve had it a few years now and it grows for a month then flowers for about seven days then dies off for another year.

Typical. I go away on holiday and that’s how I left it on setting off on the journey. By the time I got back, the petals had begun to drop off. Now I’ve missed it for a year.

Jesus. That was creepy.

Took the kids to Bygones Museum. Bygones is a place full of old stuff. Things of years gone by – as the name suggests, obviously. With recreated streets and the like, you get a feel of being in the past.

However, one display freaked me out. Below, is a shot I took of a reproduction Anderson Shelter from the Second World War.

Nothing wrong with that until after staring for a minute, the old granny turned her head.

Shit! They should give warnings for things like that. How was I to know it was automated?

Even creepier was the tableau of a parlour scene.

Notice the innocent looking children standing by the table, smiling sweetly while the mother is lying dead with blood running from her mouth. No, this really wasn’t a chamber of horrors which makes it all the more disturbing. Bizarre, or what?

Now, even the sat-nav hates me.

Ahhh … Lovely day planned for a trip to Canonteign Falls. I’ve been to Devon about 15 times but this was my first visit to these falls.

Now in the past, I have utilised my fantastic sense of direction but these days, as more senior years approach, I have started to use the sat-nav on my phone. Therefore, kids in the car, we set out on the journey to the edge of Dartmoor.

Problem one. I forgot it was Friday and we hit all the traffic from the holidaymakers going home after their Monday to Friday breaks. Still, a slight blip, then a bigger one. Eleanor decided to touch my phone.

‘What does this do, Dad?’

Arrrghhh! She only went and messed up the sat-nav and lost the signal. Next thing, I’m lost and the gizmo won’t lock onto anything for a while. When it does, it seems to think I am somewhere totally different to where I actually am.

‘At the bend, continue along Tudor Street,’ it says.

That would be all well and good, if I was actually on Tudor Street in the bloody first place, but I’m not.

This is where we ended up when it said I had reached my final destination.

Got to the falls eventually and it was lovely. Not only that, it knackered out the kids.

New neighbours.

On Friday, as I mentioned, a lot of people go home. That also means fresh folk arrive as was the case with our new neighbours in the next caravan.

Typical. They only had a bloody yapping dog.

Great, though it did have one benefit. The thing drowned out the sound of the Grand Prix track on the other side of my bedroom.

Trying to talk the kids out of using the amusement arcade.

‘Can we go to the arcade? Can we go to the arcade? Can we go to the arcade, Dad? Can we go to the arcade?’

Arrgghh! I hate taking the kids to the arcade. It’s all want want want. I remember last year. Eleanor pestered me for ages to have a go on these machines that dispense tickets when you win. I said, ‘No, you never win.’ What does she bloomin’ go and do? She wins. That wouldn’t have been so bad but after pumping the machine with about £30 to get winning tickets, guess what the biggest prize was to redeem at the booth?

A bottle of blowing bubbles!

So, this year, I was adamant. No rip-off machines. Nothing. However, unbeknown to me, David took his own money to a grab machine then despite me saying you always lose on them, he just had to go and prove me wrong. Typical. Look!

Three Georges and a Peppa Pig.

Worse still, the machines hate me now!

Not content with ripping me off by taking all my money with absolutely no chance of winning, the fruit machine short changed me the one time I actually did win.

You see, I got some minor win via one of the feature trails on this machine. £2 in fact. However, when it came to payout, only £1 was dispensed as winnings. I stood puzzled, thinking where the hell is my second pound coin? Then I saw the display.

What … IOU £1? Now I’ve seen it all. I don’t think I’ve ever had an IOU off a fruit machine before and even the man who worked in the arcade was nonplussed as well.

Could luck get any worse?

No, it got better … Yay!

I played my first ever game of bingo in the small entertainment suite at the caravan park. £1 a bingo strip and the winner took the pot. And that was meeeeee!

Got some really dirty looks. There were people buying loads, all sitting there with their silly special marker pens and there’s me, one strip and a biro-bic.

£144. Almost makes the bad bits worth it. I even thought of walking past the fading Jubilee display and raising a glass.

Yeah – right. As if …

Just a couple more gripes.

Before we set off to return home, I took the kids to the Galley Bar and we had a Full English Breakfast. Matthew had one of those yucky Yazoo milkshakes and only half finished it. We went immediately to the shop over the road and I bought similar milkshakes for the journey, though Matthew said he didn’t need one as he still had half a bottle. It didn’t stop Corporal Calamity placing it on the counter though, in a daydream and the stupid woman at the till scanning it. I was only told, on the journey, what had happened and I’d paid twice for the same milkshake. Grrrrr!

Oh yes. And for once … would it be possible to be allocated a caravan where the toilet seat doesn’t fall off?

Still, a good holiday, despite the rain. Not only that, when they returned to school, it gave the kids something to write about what they did on their holiday.

Cheers.

Nick

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New Poem Published and appearance at the Coventry Mysteries Festival

Filed under: News — 2 Comments
June 13, 2012

This Saturday – 16 June, I shall be reading my latest poem at the Coventry Mysteries Festival during the launch of a new poetry pamphlet in which my poem is included. Hiding in the Pub to Cutting the Cord is published by Nine Arches Press and I shall give details how to get it as soon as I know.

All poems will be on display in a marquee in Broadgate, Coventry from 10am till 4pm and poetry readings are between 12 and 1pm.

Cheers.

 

Nick

 

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The Sunday Roast – Crappy Myspace, Porn Mags and Life’s Mistakes.

Filed under: Sunday Roast — 2 Comments
June 10, 2012

A brief explanation.

The Sunday Roast first appeared on Myspace in October 2008 and ran until September 2011 on that site. All of the posts are still there but unfortunately, in many of the roasts, my pictures appear to have vanished.

Thanks a bloody lot, Myspace. Many of those older posts do not make sense any more – if they ever did. Therefore, I will reproduce some of the best bits that I used to stick as Picture of the Week.

Secondhand porn magazines. Any takers?

This was in the first ever Sunday Roast, though the picture was taken later. It shows the frontage of a bookshop, and not just any old bookshop either. This one specialises in, erm … magazines, books and DVDs of a sexual nature. However, look at the notice above the door.

Book exchange? I don’t want to think about secondhand books from that shop. Imagine reading them all the while knowing where they’ve been? That’s if you could prise the pages apart. Yew!

A bit of a bell-end …

In the UK, we have a term for people who are stupid. In fact, we have many terms: Stupid, prat, twat, nob-head, and so on. All of these could be applicable to many folk I’ve known but there is also another one we use, namely – bell end. A bell end refers, of course, to the end of a man’s private parts and to call one a bell-end, is to say he is a cock, or a dick or even a prick.

Therefore, imagine my juvenile humour at seeing this street sign in Rowley Regis.

You couldn’t make it up. Just think if some guy from Bell End ever writes into the paper and they put the location next to his name.

John Smith – Bell End.

He’d never live it down.

Frosty the Snowman, was a creepy horrible soul.

This was a window display in the local Merry Hill (locally known as Merry Hell) Shopping Centre a few years back. I don’t know what the thought behind the snowman was and if it actually frightened the kids, but it sure scared the hell out of me.

The Full Monty?

Also in the Merry Hell Shopping Centre, around the same time were these fellas.

Not sure what it was they were advertising. The Emperor’s new clothes, maybe? Note the second from the right appears to be scratching his arse.

Now I know what you’re going to say, the staff were probably just dressing them. No. I remember it well. I saw them one day and the next visit, a week later, they were still the same. Perhaps as it was closing down, all the clothes had gone?

A chest of drawers … anybody.

This one is for a good friend of mine, John who originally brought it to my attention. A chest of drawers, obviously is a piece of furniture. However, this shop didn’t quite get the message right.

Chester Draws. Classic.

Gadgets you cannot live without # 1

The effective 2-way shoe stretcher. Ideal for stretching those shoes you buy that don’t fit.

Arrrgghh! Don’t buy the bloody wrong sized shoes, then.

And still on the subject of shoes …

And it’s back to Merry Hell Shopping Centre and another silly window display. This one tells us if you buy two slippers, you get the third free.

Hmmm … Haven’t actually seen many three-legged folk stumbling around recently. Are you going to tell them or shall I? Rolf Harris was only joking when he sung about Jake the Peg.

An effective method of contraception.

I don’t think this one needs any explanation, but it really was on a sign at a UK hospital.

100% safety rate … You reckon?

And while we’re on the subject …

I really can’t recall in what context I posted this picture of N-Dubz, but I can only assume it was as yet another warning for birth control.

Does the editor need an eye test.

I love this one. I think it was the Halesowen News that ran the story of poor old Robert Hadley and the burglary that took place at his home in which his grandfather’s medals were taken. You’d really think the copy editor would take more care of the sizing of pictures on the front page of the newspaper though. Wouldn’t you?

Sore loser?

When John Isner beat Nicolas Mahut, I believe it set a record for the longest tennis game in history. All’s fair in sport but the look on Mahut’s face after losing, is priceless.

Sign of the times?

This was inexplicably on a door at the Shakespeare Library Theatre a few years back.

How can you lock it if there isn’t a key?

And similarly …

This was at Park Hall Community Centre in the room where my writing group took place.

Why bother sticking a notice on the thing to say it’s broken. Just remove the bloody chair!

Quite possibly the worst advert … ever!

When Formula One supremo, Bernie Ecclestone was mugged and had his Hublot watch stolen, Hublot thought it a good move to show Bernie’s injuries to promote the fact on the basis that people will do anything to grab a Hublot.

Had the opposite effect on me. You see, I’d never buy a Hublot watch now. Not if wearing one meant I got mugged.

After the worst advert, the very worst tribute.

In the back yard of some pub in Halesowen. The tackiest tribute to Michael Jackson, ever seen.

And yet again, in Merry Hell once more …

This was also a few years back. You see, Merry Hell is not as big as some of the UKs major shopping centres. With that in mind, the best one shop could offer was for you to have your picture taken with a David Beckham … lookalike.

Great. Queue for hours to have a photo standing alongside a guy who isn’t David Beckham.

Gadgets you cannot live without # 2

A cat sleeping bag?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, cat owners. As if …

What a load of bollards.

These bollards in the shape of children, were erected a few years back in Leicester to stop motorists driving on the pavements.

I don’t know about you, but if I’d seen one of these out the corner of my eye, I’d have left the driver seat, hit the roof of the car, swerved the vehicle and probably crashed into a shop.

And that could happen …

And finally Esther … I am indebted to some newspaper or other, for alerting me to this which I then blatantly stole and posted on a roast.

Say no more.

Cheers

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Jubilee. Let’s Toast The Royal Family … Literally.

Filed under: Sunday Roast — 12 Comments
June 3, 2012

Hip hip, hooray! Let’s all pay homage to the Royal Family.

To be honest, I’d prefer the TV Royle Family to rule the country instead of those out-of-touch idiots at Buckingham Palace. Mind you, perhaps I’m wrong in calling them out of touch. As far as I can see, they’ve never actually been in-touch.

Yes, there they are in days of old but even though most things in life change from time to time, you can be sure the British Royal Family will always remain as far away from the common subject as Andy Murray is of winning a grand slam title.

Go on … Cue for the curly haired twit to win one now, just to shut me up.

I don’t hate the Royal Family. I simply think they’re outdated with no place in modern society. Yes, I know. Some will say that they bring in loads of tourism. Wrong. The tradition and history does that. There is a morbid fascination in the dark history of royal tyranny and long may that continue, if it helps the economy. However, why do we need this lot, apart from their entertainment value? I’ll give you some examples of the ugly side.

Let’s all toast the Queen.

Yes, for sixty years, the Queen has tried to come across as the kindly monarch, always at one with her people. That was until she was totally exposed by her lack of compassion over the death of Diana in 1997. Through gritted teeth and after many days of defiance, she finally gave in and accepted that the population actually liked the former Princess more than they did the rest of the monarchy put together.

This is the monarch, who a couple of years ago, asked for a poverty grant to help with the soaring costs of heating Buckingham Palace. These benefits are meant for low-income families, people on a pension, not for those who already get about £200million in state handouts and revenue from property they claim to own, but is in fact, belonging to the people of Great Britain.

Fortunately, when the Queen applied to get a 2% slice of the entire UK’s poverty grant fund, ministers told her to do one as it is for those in genuine need.

I have this message for the Queen. If you want to reduce your crippling fuel bills – live in a fucking smaller house!

You may have your face on billions of notes, but it doesn’t give you the right to spend as much as you want.

And don’t start me on Phillip …

Okay, you started me. Phillip, the Duke of Hazard, is known to have, shall we say, a history of saying the wrong thing. It may be amusing, yes, but what it also shows is complete ignorance and bigotry on no higher scale.

Take for example, his comments …

To Australian Aborigines in 2002. “Still throwing spears then?”

To a Kenyan woman in 1984. “You are a woman aren’t you?”

To a Briton in Hungary in 1993. “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”

To a Cayman Islander in 1994. “Aren’t all of you descended from pirates?”

Commenting on an old fuse box in 2000. “It looks like it was put together by an Indian.”

To an Indian, Mr Patel during a reception at the Palace in 2009. “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”

To a student who hiked to Papua New Guinea in 1998. “You managed not to get eaten then?”

To a group of deaf children standing near a Jamaican steel band in 1999. “Deaf? If you stand near there, it’s no wonder you’re deaf.”

And the best of all, to a group of British students in China in 1986. “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”

Nice one Phil, but it’s not just other countries he has it in for. Speaking in 2009 to a boy who said he wanted to be an astronaut, the Duke replied, “You’ll never fly in a rocket, you’re too fat.”

He really shouldn’t be let out in public. The Duke was also famous for being an early chief of the World Wildlife Fund, preaching to the masses about the preservation of species, while on his weekends, going out and shooting them.

Idiot!

Then we have old Charlie-Boy …

His main gaffe was denying a sexual act between himself and a servant, took place. This denial was made without either he or the press, saying exactly what he was accused of. He hadn’t been asked. I do feel sorry for him though, seeing as everybody hates him but at least in his old age, he has finally found a decent horse to ride.

Annie ….

There she is, wearing a pizza base on her head.

The miserable po-faced Princess, who thinks it’s okay to let her dogs bite irritating children, also upset pensioner, Mary Halfpenny on Christmas Day 2000. The 75-year-old spent hours making a flower arrangement to pass onto the Princess Royal only to be scowled at. ‘What a ridiculous thing to do,’ spat the Princess.

Cow!

Rock Steady Eddie?

I have only one thing of note to say about the Earl of Wessex …

Wasn’t he a knockout?

The grand old Duke of York.

Some say he’s an ambassador bringing about loads of business in his role as trade representative. Others may claim he’s an arrogant twat who wastes taxpayers money jetting around the the globe on a world tour of golf courses.

But, isn’t she a diamond?

The Jubilee is all well and good if you think the royals are worth it. What you have to remember is, they are only where they are today as a result of hundreds of years tradition based on foundations of oppression and tyranny. Okay, this lot have as much power as lawnmower trying to win a Formula One Grand Prix, but still thereon their thrones, they bloody well sit.

I’d have more respect for them if they didn’t have a near-recent history of shutting away relatives with disabilities in institutions, then pretending they don’t exist to the point of declaring them dead. All this atrocious behaviour is made worse by the fact that many past members of the Royal Family have been patrons of Mencap. Therefore, instead of spending millions because the Queen fancies a new crown, how about putting a bit more into disability services and give those who struggle through life’s adversity a bit more to boost self-esteem … or are we supposed to follow the royal example, and pretend they don’t exist.

That wraps up the old royals, but what of the next generation; surely they have style?

Okay. Maybe not. But there must be something to look forward to? Some ray of hope for the future of the monarchy. One that means democracy and good taste is the way forward

Hmmm. Maybe the French were right when they revolted. I’ll leave the last word, I think, to the real King in waiting.

Cheers

 

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Cheryl Cole, Cricket and a Cock with a Torch.

Filed under: Sunday Roast — 4 Comments
May 27, 2012

Let’s talk about cricket.

No … not that type of cricket. I meant the sport.

Yay! It’s the cricket season and with England currently number one team in the world, I shall take this opportunity to have a rare boast about it.

I know you lot overseas in America and beyond do not understand what cricket is all about. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Most people in the UK haven’t a clue, either.

Picture the conversation I had some years back when queried as to why a test match of cricket, lasted more than an hour or so.

‘But, why do they play for so long?’

‘It’s just the amount of time needed to come to a successful conclusion,’ I answered. ‘You know, best team over a five-day period.’

‘Five … days?’

‘Er, yes.’

‘But how can they play for so long each day?’

‘They go in for lunch and tea.’ I replied, then put hands across my ears to drown out the laughing. I was then asked to explain the rules. Easy.

Cricket, is a straightforward game played by two teams on a field. One team – out, the other one – in. The team that’s out, tries to get the team that’s in … out. When a player of the team who’s in, gets out, then another player comes in. This happens until all of the team who are in – are out. Then the team that was out, goes in and the team that was in, go out and tries to get the team in … out again. This goes on until both sets of players have been in and out twice, including those, not out. Simple really.

You have bowlers who can spin their balls all day long while others prefer to pound them with speed. Some will turn their googlies while slip fielders stand with open legs waiting for the batsmen to give the bowler’s balls a little tickle. There is also a variation on this unorthodox delivery which goes by the name of bowling a Chinaman.

Nooooo! That’s not what I meant. It’s just a phrase which came about due to the ethnicity of the bowler who first used the method. Sorry about that. Anyway, there are boundaries however in cricket, but one must not overstep them while touching the balls. Bowlers can rub and polish their balls, but are not allowed to scratch them to excess or they will face the wrath of an umpire.

The batsmen can use all sorts of stroke play to despatch their balls. This includes hooking them, cutting them past a fine leg or even sending them through the covers. These covers, are in fact, a fielding position and not the covers that are placed on the pitch overnight. You couldn’t have them on the field while play was underway because that would just be silly.

And talking of silly … Silly mid-off and silly mid-on, are in fact fielding positions and not a reference to the assorted headgear worn by the players.

And on the subject of gear, players are advised to wear protection in the form of helmets, pads and a box to protect the nether regions, just in case a delivery gets though and the batsmen get a little bit more than a slight tickle.

Ouch! I felt that.

And this week’s search terms …

Yes. It’s an ongoing theme – the weird things some people are searching for on Google, then ending up with me. Still the most popular is Jeremy Kyle Teeth followed by that bloody film that I wont even mention. You know, the one about some ship sinking. Well it stops … here! No more.

However, in looking at my stats, I found what has to be the number one now in terms of the oddest search used which resulted in somebody getting to me. It was this … روز فى فيلم تايتنك

???

Okay … Strange, and now I was curious. I mean, what could this possibly be in order to lead some folk to me? So … Cut and paste the phrase, do an image search. Let’s see what we’ve got.

Arrrgghh!

Anchorman II?

Dear God! As if the first one wasn’t bad enough, they’ve only gone and made a sequel.

Anchorman was one of the few films this particular OCD guy was not able to see through to the bitter end. My obsessiveness usually means I have to grit my teeth and plod on, no matter how bad. However, even I gave up on the first film. Badly written bilge, with not one funny line.

The legend continues? Not in this household.

Fashion Disaster Alert!

Karaoke singer, Cheryl Cole tried to take centre stage at the Cannes Film festival this week by wearing a dress that matched the red carpet, perfectly.

Yes, very clever, but do you realise it looks as if you are wearing a huge red foot? Also, even though the paparazzi were ejaculating themselves to death at the outfit, you’d look bloody stupid wearing it on a cricket pitch or anything else that’s not red.

Talking of Karaoke singers …

Nob, Will.i.am, invited criticism this week for carrying the Olympic torch all the while, tweeting away to the social networking site.

As ever, full of his own importance, the star tapped away at how excited he was, but failed to notice he’d misspelled the name of the the town, Taunton, he was running through. Silly Billy has also confessed that despite being a superstar in the music business, he can’t actually sing.

Nooooo! Next you’ll be telling me Robert Mugabe is a murderer.

Still. I suppose he’s just a normal guy at the end of the day, caught up in all the passion of the event. An every day Joe. I mean – Will.i.am? Nothing at all pretentious about calling yourself that.

The truce is over.

Last week, I promised my local Walsall Council to leave them alone after they re-tweeted something for me. I said a week, or until they did something stupid. Well, it’s been about twelve days, so they did well in the end.

I read, yesterday, work on the playground lido pool at the local arboretum has been delayed, despite the work being announced last year. It now won’t be ready until the end of August. Does this mean it is going to be a building site all through summer?

I took that photo today and as you can see in this heatwave, it would be really good to have the water pool for the kids to use. As it happens, it is empty but never mind, come September as the summer is over, the council promise it will be rebuilt and working. Not only that, another couple of months later, you’ll be able to ice-skate on it.

Walsall Council … You have excelled yourselves this time.

It’s blooming hot out there.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to pour myself a glass of juice and settle down to watch the cricket. See you in a week. Literally if I’m watching cricket.

Cheers

Nick

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An Afternoon of Crime Writing – Mark Billingham & Val McDermid (20 May 2012)

Filed under: Reviews, Writing Stuff — 2 Comments
May 25, 2012

Walsall Library was the setting for two hours of entertainment last Sunday by top crime writers, Mark Billingham and Val McDermid. Both authors were on hand to give an interesting insight into the world of crime writing, explaining the processes involved and taking on questions from the audience.

Mark Billingham is the author of ten Tom Thorne novels plus one stand-alone with a further – Rush of Blood, due later this year. I have read Mark for a while, ever since a near-miss encounter at Hay-on Wye inspired me to write a short story – Stalking Hugo McIntyre. Hugo is about a fan hunting down his writing hero and was my first real success. Coincidentally, I received news of its publication the day I finally got to meet Mark in person in Birmingham 2010. I am happy to say that the character stalking Hugo, is not based on myself, so Mark is safe – and it wasn’t me mowing his lawn in the middle of the night, either.

Val McDermid is the author of the Lindsay Gordon, Kate Brannigan and Tony Hills series, the latter famously made into TV series, Wire in the Blood. She has also written numerous stand-alone novels and like Mark Billingham, Val’s books sit at the front of the shelf in terms of popularity in the world of crime fiction.

I have to admit to not reading any Val McDermid to date, but it is something I had been long keen to redress, even before this opportunity to see two of the UK’s top crime authors, came about. One signed copy later, I can now experience the world of psychologist, Tony Hills and if Val’s written words are as good as the ones she speaks, I know I will not be disappointed.

Talking to a packed room at Walsall Library, both authors told of the evolution of crime writing; how it has changed from the day of Agatha Christie and Dorothy L Sayers who would see a butler’s daughter murdered, then have the same butler serving drinks ten minutes later. It’s all about realism and the reader needs to be able to connect with the characters on the page, even minor ones. Characters evolve too. They change with each new experience and that reflects life. Who among us has the exact same circle of friends, the same routine, even the same jobs we had five years ago?

It was interesting to note I am not alone in the despair at the gulf between the accessible writer and the literary elite. In particular, the snobbery of that elite who appear determined to keep writing a minority as opposed to Billingham and McDermid, both keen to appeal to any reader in the land and beyond. There is an honesty about these two authors which is perhaps why they are so popular, as well as writing damn good fiction, that is.

The event was well organised and relaxed with friendly staff asking if you had enjoyed the experience. I had and there was also plenty of time to get my books signed by both Mark and Val, plus the obligatory photos (I have no shame).

An hour’s talk flew by and Mark and Val had to be cut short to allow questions and signings, otherwise I think we could have gone on all day.

If ever either appear in a town near you, I recommend you check them out. Well worth any time spent.

Cheers.

 

Nick

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Return to the Forbidden Planet – Aldridge Musical Comedy Society (May 18 2012)

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May 24, 2012

Great Wyrley Performing Arts School was the setting last week for a rock and roll trip into outer space and journey to the planet D’Illyria. Return to the Forbidden Planet is a show I had never seen, therefore something I was keen to redress. Performed by the Aldridge Musical Comedy Society (AMCS), Forbidden Planet was the latest in a long line of quality productions put out by the society since their formation, 45 years ago.

Written by Bob Carlton, Forbidden Planet is based on the 1950s film of the same name which in turn, took its origins from Shakespeare’s – The Tempest. Set in the far future, Return to the Forbidden Planet delivers the obligatory mad scientist Dr Prospero, his daughter Miranda, a rollerskating robot, a lovestruck ship’s cook, the authoritative Captain Tempest, science officer Gloria and the rest of the crew. Interspersed between scenes, we also had a strange old woman thrown into the mix, to help narrate the plot along with much amusement.

Good humour, great acting and excellent delivery of numerous rock and roll numbers gave the perfect mix for this show. My only criticism would be that of the original script itself which was, to be honest, slightly disappointing given I had waited many years to finally see it performed. The beginning is very low key and doesn’t really get going until a good ten minutes in with Great Balls of Fire. It could really have done with a more kick-ass start but thankfully, the quality showed by AMCS, soon got the starship’s engines moving.

In addition to Great Balls of Fire, you had Young Girl, Good Vibrations and even Monster Mash, all of them keeping the rock juices pumping.

The acting was great. Singing – superb. A special word should also go to the band members of the orchestra without who, these brilliant numbers would not have had the impact they did. Good scenery too.

As I said, I was a little underwhelmed by the actual script as it has supposedly been a popular, top show for many years. Quite frankly, having seen AMCS a number of times before, I am more impressed by many of their own in-house, home-grown scripts like those used in the end of year pantomime.

Would I go to see Return to the Forbidden Planet again elsewhere? Probably not. Any future production by AMCS? Definitely.

AMCS return to Great Wyrley in late 2012 with original pantomime: Dick Whittington and the Pirate King. Put it in your diary. Not to be missed. Watch this space for details.

Note of Irony: Doctor Prospero’s futuristic formula – X-Factor, is a potion which can enhance the brain and mind. Stark contrast to the television X-Factor of the modern day, which dulls it.

Cheers.

Nick

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Checking Out – My Winning Short Story. Now Online.

Filed under: News — 2 Comments
May 23, 2012

Finally, a year after it was first published in Writing Magazine, my short story – Checking Out has been added to the competition showcase on Writers’ Online.

Checking Out, won first prize in Writing Magazine’s monthly competition and below, is a link to the site so you can read my story.

I shall, in the near-future, be putting it on this site as the formatting on Writers’ Online is not great. i.e. They have lost all my paragraph indents.

Checking Out can be found by clicking this link.

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – In Search of Inspiration, While Baiting Local Councillors

Filed under: Sunday Roast — 12 Comments
May 20, 2012

I’m in hiding, and wondering what the hell I’m going to talk about this week.

Had kids here since yesterday evening because we went to the theatre. They have been with me all day too, including a trip to Lichfield in the afternoon (which will become apparent why – a little later). However, it is now Saturday evening and I’m frantically trying to write this roast before I go downstairs to spend quality time with the kids. I’m really running late; I’ve usually got the roast in the oven with it cooked a good few days before now but as I speak, very little comes to mind to tell you about.

Not much at all has happened to me this week and as I’ve milked the old Titanic thingy a bit much recently, I dare not use it again, even if you lot do keep Google searching the subject and ending up with me. But talking of searches …

In search of …

No, it’s not the 70’s TV series with Mr Spock. I’m talking about more search engine terms used by people to reach my blog.

Yeah, we have the usual: Jeremy Kyle teeth, Titanic plank and Britain’s got no talent, etc. However, I noticed a couple of unusual terms and ones that I cannot comprehend how people have got to me as a result.

Fat unwashed fetish was a strange term. Don’t think I’ve written about any grimy sex fetishes but living in Walsall, I suppose there’s always scope.

Evil fish? People actually searched for evil fish and got me.

Ha. I know the reason for that one, though. We’re talking Gothic Girl again and her poisonous fish and chips. That reminds me. I haven’t been to the chip shop to see if Gothic Girl has returned from her Beltane holiday.

Orange fluffy pussy. That was, I have to admit, the weirdest search phrase ever. I can’t for the life of me think how my blog was the end result of that search. However (and I say this was just out of curiosity), I did type orange fluffy pussy into a Google search and came up with one or two, erm … interesting images. But how did they end up with me? Mind you, I have to say, some of those women  were really hairy. Yew!

Below, I have what was the top picture in the search I made for orange fluffy pussy.

Okay, it was about number 783. Did you really think I was going to post porn?

Insect repellant needed.

Note: Will all the ants in my neighbourhood, stop getting into my house and trying to take a bath inside my kettle. A sauna may be nice for human beings but taking a dip at 100º will do you no good.

I wish I knew where the beggars were coming from. At them moment, they seem to want to make for my worktop and have a party.

Harmless bad-lad, or total thug.

Footballer, Joey Barton produced another scintillating display on the pitch last week by trying to take out most of the Manchester City team. Great footballer? Definitely not but low-life thug? His skills are unequalled on the field in that department.

Above is the moment Barton decides to kick Sergio Aguero from behind like the gutless scum he (Barton) is.

Barton – Half your family are in prison for murder and you yourself, have a string of convictions for assault and other matters.

How many more football clubs are going to employ this pond-life? He should never be allowed on a soccer pitch again. As for those who cheer him on each week? Shame on you, too.

Oh deer …

Sorry, couldn’t resist that bad pun and yes, you can just about make them out.

I wrote the other week about a couple who moved next to a hundred year-old church, then complained about the bells ringing. This week, I heard of another family who recently bought a house on the edge of the Wyre Forest in Bewdley and are now complaining the deer are eating their rose bushes.

Arrrgghhh! Don’t buy a house next to a fucking forest then!

Watch out, watch out, there’s a jobsworth about.

Over the last week, I have got involved in a little local council planning argument and surprisingly, it wasn’t my own, Walsall Council, either.

Lichfield is a lovely city, even though the term City is a bit loose just because they have some huge fantasy palace going by the name of a cathedral. Still, nice place and full of character. However, some council officials appear to be too full of themselves.

Recently, hairdressers, DJ & Ward moved into the town and erected what I consider to be a nice, tasteful sign. However, Lichfield Council Planning, appear to want to stop small businesses bringing trade into their area and they have told DJ & Ward to remove their signage. The council say, “It adversely affects the character and appearance of the Grade II Listed Building on which it is displayed.”

This was reported in the excellent Lichfield Live website, so I made a comment. You see although I don’t live there, one thing I cannot stand are bureaucratic tosspots.

I stated that nearby, you had the mighty Tesco superstore and over the road – Poundstretcher. Both hardly adhering to the character of the area. Also, in the same street as DJ & Ward, you have a Chinese takeaway – The Lotus House and a chip shop displaying garish signs with no apparent hostility towards them. DJ & Ward, however, have been lambasted and told to remove this …

Nothing wrong with that as far as I can see but Lichfield Councillor, Alan White defended the council stance. In his response, he quoted all the locations and signage I had highlighted, coming up with lame excuses as to why they were allowed, and DJ & Ward, were not.

Sorry, Mr White, but you and your fellow planners just come across as prats. If you would like to read my creative response to the stance of Lichfield Council, click the link at the bottom of the page … but don’t leave me until you’ve finished the rest and commented. So there.

Now that I’ve pissed off Lichfield Council, I’ll quit while the going’s good.

I’d best push on and finish this off. The kids are downstairs and saying there’s a film they want me to watch.

‘Surprise!’

Arrrgghhh!

Link to take you to my response to a jobsworth councillor’s pathetic argument on Lichfield Live’s website. I’m actually quite proud of this one.

Cheers

Nick

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