There be devilment in my vehicle.

I’ve spent this week getting to know the controls and functions of my new car. On collecting it from the showroom, the sales-person explained much but also upset me when she mentioned, ‘Oh, and you do realise you have bluetooth?’

I looked at her, puzzled. ‘No I don’t,’ I said, ‘I’ll have you know, I floss every day.’

She laughed. ‘No, your car comes with bluetooth technology. It’s like a wireless service that you can route devices through and incorporate them into the systems in your car.’

And she’s only blooming well right. I had a play this week and not only can a press of a button bring up my phone contacts onto the car dashboard, if I switch functions, it will pick up what’s on my MP3 player and start playing my favourite music too.

Now don’t ask me how the hell it works. I’m erring on the side of witchcraft at the minute though bearing in mind the accusations on that front aimed at Gothic Girl from the chip shop, I’d welcome a technological explanation any day.

In it together … Are we?

This week, George Osborne delivered his financial budget to the people who voted this lot of “in it for themselves,” service wreckers, into power. Not content with pushing for health reforms that nobody wants, the government have now clobbered just about every soft target they could with this budget.

Pensioners, middle class families – all shafted, but the government’s millionaire chums? They have their 50p rate of tax, cut. Osborne said the previous tax gained from this, never made much difference. Well, not much is better than nothing and he does seem to be helping the ‘well-off’ again. Now, let’s think back to George’s speech of a year or so ago. “All in it together?” Really?

Over in compost corner …

Angiebabe has some seeds and pots so she can grow these little plants. To complete the assignment, I went and got her a bag of compost. However, on purchasing it I did a double-take. You see, I was rather confused by the label.

There we go. Multi-purpose compost, with added, John Innes.

Okay, who is John Innes and what has he done to deserve being made into compost? I remember as a kid, there was a Tom Baker, Doctor Who story where the villain put his enemies into the waste to get rid of them. It also helped his plants grow.

Is this the way ahead, putting unwanted elements into garden produce? It could save the government millions each year if it was. Just think: Murderers, rapists, thieves, bankers, even guests on the Jeremy Kyle show – all of them could be disposed of this way. We would be rid of them and not only that, our radishes might have a bumper crop this year.

Like mother, like daughter.

Awful mother and daughter duo, Kim Ohoro and Katie Scott, were both given anti social behaviour orders recently for terrorising their neighbourhood. It’s nice when family traditions continue.

There they are, sharing the same delightful unwashed looks, matching greasy hair and miserable expressions with added facial studs, or is it just acne?

Bad medicine.

Had to take a little trip to the doctor the other day and came out feeling worse than when I went in. Not the usual reason – catching everybody else’s germs. I left in serious trauma after an hour in the waiting room being forced and having to listen to Heart Radio.

It’s not size that matters.

40-year-old carer, Reighner Deleighnie was in the news this week after opening up about her relationship with a 3ft statue of Adonis. Reighner has given up on real men and craves the marble touch of the statue she has renamed, Hans.

There could be something to be said for it. You see, Hans is never going to argue or answer her back. One major pitfall though; Hans isn’t the most well endowed and she can cover his manhood with her little finger. She’ll have to watch and be careful with the duster too. I’d hate for her to get careless, knock him crashing to the floor and have the relationship end in pieces.

Flying the flag.

Nice looking kit designed by Stella McCartney for the Olympics, but did Stella have to turn up to the photo shoot, still wearing her pajamas?

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

Make the most of your android phones, the fancy game consoles and high performance cars. Come December 21 this year, they will be as useless as Nick Clegg in a loyalty contest. You see, December 21 is the date the world is supposed to end. The main reason for this belief is that it is also the date that the Mayan calender finishes.

Created thousands of years ago, it apparently does stop on this date. So we are doomed, or could it be the Mayans simply ran out of paper?

Have a nice week.

I’m going to make use of my bluetooth apparatus in my car, before the world explodes.

Cheers.

Nick

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