It’s been nearly 9 years. I can wait no longer.

Aug 2003, that’s when ex-wife departed the mansion. At the time, all the crap I’d accumulated was shoved up the loft and over subsequent years, anything else I didn’t want to trip over went there too. Toys, old books, CDs I no longer listen too. You name it, they’re in the loft.

Is that a drill? Jesus! That must mean at some point I did DIY. Explains why everything falls off my walls. All the stuff up there, though; I never realised it was that bad. Lets turn around, perhaps I can shift them into the space behind me.

Okay, perhaps not. Therefore, a few days ago I set about the task of clearing the clutter, or in my case, move it all about but this time have it in neat, ordered piles.

What, you expect me to throw things away?

I jest. Three bags of junk have gone now and there is a little daylight at the end of the cavern. In my defence, it would have been sorted earlier but since the notorious rat incident of New Year 2010, I’ve only recently dared stick my head up there. Huge big bag of poison’s still on the floor, unloved and uneaten for enough time for me to deem it safe to climb the rungs of the loft-ladder again.

Four hours so far and only once did I get distracted when I found an old Ann Summers catalogue. But it’s amazing the stuff you never get rid of. There is an Amstrad 464, an original 1970s TV pong game, half a dozen sketches I did when I was a teenager and the most embarrassing jumper I think I ever wore. No, I’m not posting a picture here. It’s gone, in the clothing bank. Some other poor bugger can carry the shame of fashion criminal. I also found about thirty copies of Madnotbad Anthology and then cried, remembering how out of pocket I was when I funded the said failed project. Still, when I’m a famous writer, people will be clamouring for an early Antony N Britt – won’t they?

Hey! They might.

What’s going on at Mount Olympus, then?

I actually watched a little Olympics and surprised myself with a rare bit of national pride. It’s not the sport I take issue with. I guess what I really dislike is all the hype and commercialism. As I said weeks ago, when some woman ran past me carrying a large matchstick in honour of the event, the advertising made me sick. I’m told the opening ceremony went well though and that Danny Boyle did a great job. I don’t know, I didn’t see it. I was taking part in a séance and hunting ghosts that night. The only bit I did see was Frank Turner’s spot as I’m a huge fan. Afterwards, I watched on You Tube. Groaned.

Yes, it looked very rural, transforming the stadium into a local yokel village of old but come on! The Americans already think London is like a Sherlock Holmes novel and that we all live in places like Midsommer Murders, they’ve told me so in the past. Now everybody else in the world is going to think we all sit with grass in our hair, sipping scrumpy cider and dodging sheep in the back garden. Give me strength.

Still, we’ve had triumphs and none more so that Boris Johnson competing on the zip-wire.

What do you mean, there isn’t a zip-wire event? Oh, he got stuck. Still, I suppose we should feel sorry for Boris, left hanging there. It can’t have been nice and I bet the entire Team GB was falling over with sympathy for his predicament.

Okay, not what you expect from Gold Medal winners. Having said that, do you think we could get away with leaving him there? Then we could all carry on and enjoy the games without having to listen to him talking crap as usual.

Meanwhile, back up the loft.

Found this child’s plimsoll.

Don’t know whose it was. Must be one of the older two for it to be up the loft. Then I thought – It looks brand new, hardly ever used. Ahh – I see. It definitely belongs to one of my kids, then. Therefore, I put it to one side in the hope of finding the other one and then I can send them to charity. At least somebody will get use out of them. Not the most sporting – my kids.

A slimy brand of nobhead.

Never seen the point of Russell Brand. Unfunny, untalented and the most wooden actor since Pinocchio. Russell delayed filming on new film, What About Dick (Guess who’s the dick?), refusing to work until a wardrobe assistant agreed to flash her breasts at him. The crew member said no for two hours until finally giving in so production could recommence. Apparently, Russell is known for getting away with murder while filming. Not so. He’s getting away with sexual harassment. If I did that to an employee, I’d expect the sack.

Russell – Go and find a filthy stone to crawl under, it’s all you’re good for. Better still, as you’re appearing in What about Dick and like people flashing sexual parts, how about flashing your own dick? Oh. Forgot. You do that every time we see your face.

Am I going doolally?

I have just seen a post-it note on my desk. On it is a phone number with the name Trevor by the side. I tidy my desk regular so this must be very recent. It’s my writing so the question begs – Who the hell is Trevor and should I ring him to find out?

Pump up the action.

Still up the loft, I scream with joy. Hooray! I have found the other plimsoll. Now all I have to do is pair it with the one I had in my hands earlier.

Oh. I see. It isn’t the second shoe. It’s the same one as before, it having landed in a mound of clutter when I slung it about half hour ago.

A matter of honour?

Take a look at these two. Go on, take a good look.

This is Iftikhar and Farzana Ahmed. They used to have a daughter but as found guilty this week, they killed her as in their eyes, she brought disgrace to the family.

Bollocks. Honour plays no part. The only disgrace is in this pair. They are not parents. They are evil – murdering – scum.

Okay, so I’m still up the loft.

Two Ker-Plunks! How the bloody hell have I got two Ker-Plunks?

I must have bought one for eldest, slung it up the loft and years later when the younger two came along, forgot I had it and purchased another. It’s not as if I even like Ker-Plunk. I hate it. Takes hours to get those blooming needles in, then having done so, the game’s over in two seconds. I always reckoned Ker-Plunk was designed by a guy who hated people who had kids. Payback for the kids running around in restaurants, disturbing his meal.

Two of them. I can’t believe it. Not only that, I’ve worked through half the loft and am still to find Twister. I want that one. At least try to play it with a nice obliging female … while my limbs are still able to take it.

Cheers.

Nick

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