Tag Archive: Rhianna


Avast ye Swabs!

Apparently, last Wednesday was Act Like a Pirate Day.

Well shiver me timbers, I never knew that until I read it in the newspapers later on. I wondered why there were men with eye-patches, all wearing striped shirts, bandannas and drinking rum in the Spicy Chicken Takeaway. I was charged ten doubloons as well, just for a kebab. Sheer piracy in their pricing, methinks.

But I feel as if I’ve missed out now. Pirate Day? I should have taken part. I mean, piracy … what can I do? I know, I’ll go and illegally download and distribute a load of Ben Dover porn films. Titillating.

Q: Why are pirates so funny?

A: Because they just arrrrrrrrrr!

Out and about in the news recently …

I see Peaches Geldof was in the spotlight the other week when her baby buggy overturned, tipping four-month-old Astala (Yeah … I know) onto the pavement. Can’t post a picture of Peaches as it’s no doubt copyrighted. Instead, I’ll just have to improvise.

Anyway, google image search “peaches geldof baby pram” and see what I’m talking about. The horror. I mean, if she’d been more careless, she’d have dropped her mobile phone too. You know, the bloody device glued to her ear that she seemed more concerned hanging onto rather than her poor child.

Idiot.

Quitting … Really?

Celebrity, Peter Andre wants to concentrate on a career of being a TV presenter from now on. He says he’s even ready to give up singing to do so.

Amazing news … Peter Andre is a singer?

Bad taste gone Gaga.

Yes, Lady Gaga is in the news again. She’s been smoking dope on stage in Amsterdam. Way to go. What a plonker but the burning issue of bad taste is … What the hell was she thinking, choosing to wear this?

Had the lights gone in the dressing room? Now that’s what I call being a dope.

Vava-Boom!

I read on Tuesday, that car repair bills have soared and some garages charge over £80 an hour. Now in the past, I’ve generally found places who don’t fleece you. It’s more often than not, the manufacturer doing the piracy.

Ah-haaaaa!

Sorry, still in pirate mode. But anyway, I recall my Renault Espace from a few years back. It was a lovely car until the warranty ran out, then everything conceivable fell apart. It wasn’t the garage which was the problem, the parts were extortionate. All seemed to have to come from France via snail-mail and you were charged about £200 for a wheel-nut.

The good old pirate ship – Espace.

Wiper blades. I remember the days when I could replace my own blades by buying a cheap set from Halfords and doing the job myself. Not Renault. The ones for the Espace, even in 2006, cost over £50 each and needed to be fitted by a mechanic. It was the same when the clutch went. In my old Montego, I just had a new clutch cable fitted. Twenty minute job and about a tenner. Espace? I was told the hydraulics had gone.

Now then … Clutch-cable – Hydraulics. Which of those two do you think sounds the more expensive? Over bloody £200 if I recall with all the labour.

I’m just glad I got shot of the thing. Mind you, I made it good and even stuck a new engine in before I could sell it as the original only lasted 50,000 miles.

Rubbish vehicle in the end. Couldn’t trust it for fear something else would blow. I’m just glad I managed to sell it to that vicar.

Jesus and ‘Her Indoors.’

Apparently, Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. Scholars have come up with this gem, now. Still, it’s about as credible as the other bullshit in the Bible so why not this?

Catholic priests are going to be a bit peeved though. The theory of Jesus abstaining from women is the reason for celibacy in their church. Still, doesn’t stop them having scores of love children already and if they were allowed to have relations, perhaps they wouldn’t spend so much time abusing kids.

Prick!

That’s the only word to describe the new Tory chief for discipline.

Andrew Mitchell, MP for Sutton Coldfield (great, the knob lives near me) shouted abuse at the police standing guard in Downing Street. He moaned about being told not to ride his bike out of the main security gate. He screamed at the cops to learn their fucking place.

Now what place would that be, Andrew? Would it be the place of being in charge of security and protecting your sorry ass when people want to take a pop at you for making a mess of the country?

What can you say?

Dale Creegan. I’d post a picture of him but an image of dog shit is one I’d find offensive on my site. This piece of scum, blasted two unarmed women cops who were routinely doing their duty. Creegan wants to be famous, or infamous. The thing with dog shit though, you soon forget it once it’s been on your shoe, and that’s where Creegan belongs.

Also, shame on the shits who didn’t report the fact he was flaunting himself about the neighbourhood, days before committing murder. Hope you can live with yourselves.

What a society.

Bit of a boob.

Farmer, Alan Graham, blew his top after allowing pop star, Rhianna to use his field to shoot a video. You remember her? I featured her a week or so back. Here she is, under her umbrella.

Anyway, Bible-basher (Oh dear, now that explains it) Alan Graham, didn’t like it when the pop-star got her breasts out during the shoot.

Christ. Get a life, Alan. They’re nothing to be ashamed of. How do you think your mother fed you as a child?

Bewitched.

Former soccer goalkeeper, Richard Kingson’s loss of form has been blamed on witchcraft.

There he is in 2006, on his arse as Ronaldo beats him to score. Hmmm. Maybe the witchcraft theory is true? Or could it be he’s just a rubbish keeper?

Back on the subject of poo again.

Fake cigarettes containing human poo have been discovered by customs recently. Don’t know what the fuss is about. No different from the other crap they stick in cigarettes.

So we still be playing at being pirates, then?

I’m going to join in the pirate fun, if not a few days late. I’m off to seize a boat and torture a couple of helpless pensioners.

Cheers.

Nick

Mooning about at the minute.

So we lost Neil Armstrong this week. Possibly the greatest adventurer of all time … or the most successful at carrying on with a cover-up, ever. Depending on your conspiracy beliefs.

Photo of astronaut on the moon, taken by two passers-by.

I have to say, I’ve been guilty in the past of doubting but as I understand, you can now see good images of tracks, footprints and equipment where it was left all those years ago. It would have been really terrible if it had ever been exposed as a fake but what still amazes me is, how the hell they did it?

These days with all our technology, everything is so complicated yet 40 years ago we were sending men thousands of miles into space in a biscuit tin covered in turkey foil, attached to a giant firework. I mean, who needed fuel for the rocket when the astronauts own bodily gasses would have been enough to power the thing with the amount they’d have been crapping themselves on blast off.

So cheers to Neil Armstrong for being part of the greatest moment in history. And also for creating the basis for one of the quiz questions people get wrong the most.

“What were the first words spoken as the module made contact with the lunar surface?” And no – it wasn’t The Eagle has landed. Answers at the bottom, please.

Magnetic personality … or a shitload of money?

81-year-old, Formula 1 supremo, Bernie Ecclestone has got married again. His new wife is 46 years younger than him. Nothing wrong with that. His fresh missus obviously sees his charm and charisma … or could it be the £4.2billion he has in the bank?

Bernie with new wife, Fabianna. Which one is Fabianna? I don’t think Bernie’s that bothered.

And when you thought the Olympics were over …

We have the Paralympic games on at the moment. As you know, I’m quite at the front in protesting for disability rights, what with my son but even so, I wasn’t too fussed about the main Olympics and neither am I about these. I’ll take a passing interest and wish the athletes well. However …

I didn’t watch the opening ceremony but caught many tweets and updates online and some of the things I saw, irritated me.

First of all, we have smug David Cameron, sitting applauding, saying he is so proud and showing his support as the head of the government. But hang on. Would this be the same government that has spent two years trying to stigmatise the disabled, heading a campaign where they are made to feel worthless when essential services and benefits are cut? Is this the government which is quite happy to lie in bed with the gutter press and whip up a frenzy, accusing the disabled of being scroungers? Yes, I’m afraid it is. Cameron, your son was disabled, you should know how it is. Perhaps living with that silver spoon in your mouth, you never really got to know what it was like to be part of the disability chain?

And then we have Atos – major sponsor of the games.

This is the French company who make money from the disabled by hounding them and sending many back to work when they are in no fit state to do so. Cameron’s government have paid these profiteers over £100million in the hope they will weed out as many as possible to return to work and save the government a little money. I mean, we can’t have the poor and needy taking a share of the cash from the greedy bosses and administrators of this country, can we? Disability benefit fraud is under 0.5%, and most of those cases are found out. Yet again we are hounding the most vulnerable at the same time, Cameron, his cronies and greedy bosses in industry and the banking community, continue to shift billions into offshore accounts in the hope they will swell their own pockets a little more.

Cameron, Atos – Shame on you.

But back to the Paralympic opening ceremony and finally, we had the Queen and other members of her heinous family show up. All of them, sitting while applauding the bravery of the disabled. Just one thing to say to the Queen. Look at this picture.

Yes, it’s your cousin, the one you have never visited in the 70 years since your family shut her and your other (now deceased) cousin in an institution. The good old lovable Queen Mum was their aunt, for Christ’s sake, head of Mencap yet the she and the other royals even tried to declare the women dead in the 196os to hide the stigma.

So – our gracious Queen. Instead of sitting all smug while watching our Olympians, try and do something to help disability by looking closer to home. Your cousin. She still lives, exists – or had you forgotten?

One rule for the famous …

Pop diva, Rhianna uttered the immortal and unforgivable line this week. “Don’t you know who I am?”

She was drunk at a club, danced on the table and broke it, causing damage and potential injury to others. The bouncers stepped in, didn’t recognise her and she began screaming. One of her parasitic friends started yelling, “That’s Rhianna, you idiots.”

The bouncers realised who it was. But this is the best bit. Did she still get ejected? No, they apologised, let her continue her appalling behaviour and gave her and the spongers, free drinks.

She should have been flung out into the gutter on her scrawny arse.

Rhianna … Is there an umbrella big enough to cover your ego?

A little creepy exposure.

At least twice a week, I keep seeing pictures in the tabloids of Michael Jackson’s children. In particular, they seem keen to be publishing cute pictures of pouting teenage daughter, Paris. I can understand there is interest in some quarters. Not quite sure why but keeping on printing pictures of an innocent looking 14-year old girl cannot be right – surely?

However, the kid I feel for is the youngest one – Blanket. Every shot you see of him, he looks so unhappy. Mind you, I’d be pissed off if I was named after an item of bedding.

Well, did you get the answer to the moon question?

If not, look it up. There is still some debate but I’m talking from the point when the module first connected with the surface. Mind you, this is all irrelevant. We all know the real first person on the moon. It was Tintin.

Cheers.

Nick.

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