No clairvoyants at this door, thank you

I’ve spoken at length about my falling out with Myspace and the various reasons my roasts, er … lapsed. One I used towards the end of my days on the site was that since I finished work to be a full-time carer, I wasn’t getting out enough to witness life’s stupid occurrences. Okay, it was a poor excuse but it’s mine and I’m sticking to it.

However, I needn’t have worried. You see now, the weird and the wonderful come to me instead. Despite having a sign above my door saying, “No canvassers, callers or junk mail,” I had a little white card left the other day by Mr Sillah.

Mr Sillah, as you can see, is the answer to all problems. Great. Can he find a cure for David’s autism?

Mr Sillah also claims to be able to help anybody overcome shyness and make people attractive to members of the opposite sex.

Go on then – Have a try with this one.

It’s frightening that some people may be taken in by this on the basis of a slip of paper which bears no credentials for what it claims. However, if you are the sort of person to be taken in by Mr Sillah, drop me an email as I have a very large palace just off Constitution Hill in London that I want to sell for a ridiculous knock-down price.

Come off it, Mr Sillah. If you really were that good a clairvoyant, you’d have known I wasn’t interested before you put your card through my door.

Meanwhile, back at the chip shop

I don’t believe it. Gothic Girl – is trying to poison me.

You may recall the ongoing saga of a chip shop I really like and its downside, namely the bride of Frankenstein who serves behind the counter.

I have the feeling I may have been rumbled for writing about her because not only was Gothic Girl indifferent to me the other day, my Cod tasted … funny. Chips – fine. Well they’d have to be as they cook them in a job-lot but fish …? They do that on request as yes, the bloody shop never have any ready and this week, my particular fish didn’t have so much of a cod taste, more like … hair perm solution.

Oh my God, that’s it, she’s found out hasn’t she. She’s read my Sunday Roast in-between practicing necrophilia and has now laced my battered cod with hair chemicals.

Okay, I survived, but my intestines are a little more curly than they used to be.

Virgin on the ridiculous

You want to know what advert really irritates me at the minute? That stupid one with Usain Bolt advertising Virgin Media.

“Hi, I’m Richard Branson,’ he says, before rolling off the delights of the extra fast broadband. Yes, it would be great if Virgin didn’t have a fault every week, resulting in me losing my connection.

But back to that stupid ad. How the hell is an athlete in a fake beard supposed to entice people to sign up for broadband? I’m with Virgin and am more likely to ditch them after being force-fed this tripe.

Listen – You are not Richard Branson, you are Usain Bolt with a stupid grey beard.

Nob of the week

While I have every sympathy with Bee Gee, Robin Gibb for his recent fight against cancer, trying to blame his health problems on bad karma and payback for all the success he’s had, is a bit insensitive.

So you reckon you get famous, earn multi-millions and as a result, think life levels out for what you’ve gained? Okay, how about those who live a good, honest life, help others and are still blighted by the disease; what the heck are they receiving retribution for, you pillock?

Robin, I wish you well with recovery and hope you continue stayin’ alive, but try to be a bit less of a prat.

Meanwhile, back in Wolverhampton

A few roasts back, I told the sorry tale of Wolverhampton Wanderers and their current footballing troubles after losing 1-5 to bitter rivals, West Bromwich Albion. Subsequently, they sacked their manager and replaced him with his deputy, hoping for an improvement.

Well, after last week’s 0-5 drubbing at the hands of Fulham, supporters are now turning on chief executive Jez Moxey for creating the mess in the first place. A protest took place before their latest defeat yesterday where fans displayed banners calling for the resignation of Mr Moxey.

Protest not going too well then?

All in the name of research

Apparently, Texas State University have been conducting research into the sinking of the Titanic. Yes, in an age of global warming and carbon footprints, scientists are busy working out how a ship sank 100 years ago.

The results of their findings are that the Titanic disaster may have occurred due to the moon at the time, being closest to the earth than it had been for over 1,400 years, causing tides to rise and dislodge the ice.

So it’s the moon’s fault then? Funny, I thought it was because someone couldn’t spot a hundred-foot high iceberg in clear weather.

And another complete waste of research time …

If you thought working out the sinking of the Titanic was useless enough, listen to what Lehigh University, Pennsylvania have been spending their research grants on.

Apparently, building Star Wars’ Death Star, would have cost its makers £541,870 trillion and taken 833,000 years to complete.

Wow! I’m so glad I learned that nugget of information. Can you find out next, how many trees I need to chop down in order to re-build Noah’s Ark?

Terms and conditions may apply …

Birmingham’s twenty-year-old, National Indoor Arena (NIA), is undergoing a revamp.

I have to admit, it looks pretty good but the downside is, as with most things, it is now part of a sponsorship deal – this one with Barclaycard. Therefore, the NIA is now to be renamed, ‘NIA – A Barclaycard Unwind Experience.’

Hope the entertainment remains the same and you don’t have to pay 29.9% APR on any ticket you buy? Still, if I’m due to watch ‘Riverdance’ at the Hippodrome (Yeah … as if), maybe they’ll offer me a balance transfer of discounted tickets for the NIA if I see a concert I’d prefer to see instead?

Right. It’s a wrap

Thanks for stopping by once more, I’m off to see if there are any more conmen banging on my door. Hark! I can hear it now … Let’s look out the window.

Jehovah Witnesses. I think I’ll go and give ’em a flash.