Tag Archive: Wolverhampton Wanderers


No clairvoyants at this door, thank you

I’ve spoken at length about my falling out with Myspace and the various reasons my roasts, er … lapsed. One I used towards the end of my days on the site was that since I finished work to be a full-time carer, I wasn’t getting out enough to witness life’s stupid occurrences. Okay, it was a poor excuse but it’s mine and I’m sticking to it.

However, I needn’t have worried. You see now, the weird and the wonderful come to me instead. Despite having a sign above my door saying, “No canvassers, callers or junk mail,” I had a little white card left the other day by Mr Sillah.

Mr Sillah, as you can see, is the answer to all problems. Great. Can he find a cure for David’s autism?

Mr Sillah also claims to be able to help anybody overcome shyness and make people attractive to members of the opposite sex.

Go on then – Have a try with this one.

It’s frightening that some people may be taken in by this on the basis of a slip of paper which bears no credentials for what it claims. However, if you are the sort of person to be taken in by Mr Sillah, drop me an email as I have a very large palace just off Constitution Hill in London that I want to sell for a ridiculous knock-down price.

Come off it, Mr Sillah. If you really were that good a clairvoyant, you’d have known I wasn’t interested before you put your card through my door.

Meanwhile, back at the chip shop

I don’t believe it. Gothic Girl – is trying to poison me.

You may recall the ongoing saga of a chip shop I really like and its downside, namely the bride of Frankenstein who serves behind the counter.

I have the feeling I may have been rumbled for writing about her because not only was Gothic Girl indifferent to me the other day, my Cod tasted … funny. Chips – fine. Well they’d have to be as they cook them in a job-lot but fish …? They do that on request as yes, the bloody shop never have any ready and this week, my particular fish didn’t have so much of a cod taste, more like … hair perm solution.

Oh my God, that’s it, she’s found out hasn’t she. She’s read my Sunday Roast in-between practicing necrophilia and has now laced my battered cod with hair chemicals.

Okay, I survived, but my intestines are a little more curly than they used to be.

Virgin on the ridiculous

You want to know what advert really irritates me at the minute? That stupid one with Usain Bolt advertising Virgin Media.

“Hi, I’m Richard Branson,’ he says, before rolling off the delights of the extra fast broadband. Yes, it would be great if Virgin didn’t have a fault every week, resulting in me losing my connection.

But back to that stupid ad. How the hell is an athlete in a fake beard supposed to entice people to sign up for broadband? I’m with Virgin and am more likely to ditch them after being force-fed this tripe.

Listen – You are not Richard Branson, you are Usain Bolt with a stupid grey beard.

Nob of the week

While I have every sympathy with Bee Gee, Robin Gibb for his recent fight against cancer, trying to blame his health problems on bad karma and payback for all the success he’s had, is a bit insensitive.

So you reckon you get famous, earn multi-millions and as a result, think life levels out for what you’ve gained? Okay, how about those who live a good, honest life, help others and are still blighted by the disease; what the heck are they receiving retribution for, you pillock?

Robin, I wish you well with recovery and hope you continue stayin’ alive, but try to be a bit less of a prat.

Meanwhile, back in Wolverhampton

A few roasts back, I told the sorry tale of Wolverhampton Wanderers and their current footballing troubles after losing 1-5 to bitter rivals, West Bromwich Albion. Subsequently, they sacked their manager and replaced him with his deputy, hoping for an improvement.

Well, after last week’s 0-5 drubbing at the hands of Fulham, supporters are now turning on chief executive Jez Moxey for creating the mess in the first place. A protest took place before their latest defeat yesterday where fans displayed banners calling for the resignation of Mr Moxey.

Protest not going too well then?

All in the name of research

Apparently, Texas State University have been conducting research into the sinking of the Titanic. Yes, in an age of global warming and carbon footprints, scientists are busy working out how a ship sank 100 years ago.

The results of their findings are that the Titanic disaster may have occurred due to the moon at the time, being closest to the earth than it had been for over 1,400 years, causing tides to rise and dislodge the ice.

So it’s the moon’s fault then? Funny, I thought it was because someone couldn’t spot a hundred-foot high iceberg in clear weather.

And another complete waste of research time …

If you thought working out the sinking of the Titanic was useless enough, listen to what Lehigh University, Pennsylvania have been spending their research grants on.

Apparently, building Star Wars’ Death Star, would have cost its makers £541,870 trillion and taken 833,000 years to complete.

Wow! I’m so glad I learned that nugget of information. Can you find out next, how many trees I need to chop down in order to re-build Noah’s Ark?

Terms and conditions may apply …

Birmingham’s twenty-year-old, National Indoor Arena (NIA), is undergoing a revamp.

I have to admit, it looks pretty good but the downside is, as with most things, it is now part of a sponsorship deal – this one with Barclaycard. Therefore, the NIA is now to be renamed, ‘NIA – A Barclaycard Unwind Experience.’

Hope the entertainment remains the same and you don’t have to pay 29.9% APR on any ticket you buy? Still, if I’m due to watch ‘Riverdance’ at the Hippodrome (Yeah … as if), maybe they’ll offer me a balance transfer of discounted tickets for the NIA if I see a concert I’d prefer to see instead?

Right. It’s a wrap

Thanks for stopping by once more, I’m off to see if there are any more conmen banging on my door. Hark! I can hear it now … Let’s look out the window.

Jehovah Witnesses. I think I’ll go and give ’em a flash.

Cheers.

 

Nick

The Sunday Roast (19 February 2012)

So we’ve had Valentine’s Day since the last roast.

Can’t say I’ve been a fan over the years because as I see it, every day should be Valentine’s Day and not just because Clinton’s Cards, tell us we should be spending more money. It’s a rip-off. I mean, you can get some great meal deals at restaurants these days yet come February 14, prices are hiked to fleece us.

Having said all of that, I was aware that I have been going out with Angiebabe for over seven months now and it was out first Valentine’s together. Also, I saw the wrapped presents that she’d bought for me. Therefore, Valentines Day – we did, swapping chocolate hearts, blue-nosed bears and love hearts, plus I had a beautiful card from her. After this, I was then surprised when she said she had one more special present to give, something to keep me company. Yes, for when she isn’t here, she knows I get lonely and has agreed to share me with another woman that she herself, chose.

Okay, not exactly what I was expecting but I will remain true and faithful to Angiebabe. I shall be good and try not to puncture my new friend. Let’s face it, I’d hate her to go down on me.

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

Don’t know about this Sunday, but last week wasn’t good for the poor soul wearing the wolf costume at the Wolves verses West Bromwich Albion game that day.

Yes, I know he looks full of spirit and hope BEFORE the game, but take a look now … after the fifth goal went in during a 1-5 mauling on their own turf.

You have to feel some sorry for him. Imagine witnessing a humiliating drubbing from your bitterest of rivals … and then having to walk all the way home – in your wolf costume.

Lost in translation.

Apparently, Brummie Debie Roysten had a bout of the flu, then ended up speaking in a French accent as a result. Is she taking the piste?

Nobs of the week.

This would be anybody involved in the case surrounding the failed inheritance of Caroline Barrett. The 28-year-old, lost out on over £200,000 when a High Court agreed with certain members of her family that deceased gran, Bridget Murray, had not wanted Caroline to get a share. The reason for this (wait for it); Mrs Murray, a supposedly devout Catholic, didn’t approve of her granddaughter living in sin for 18 months before she wed, so stated she was not to get a penny.

Yes I know, it was her money to do as she wanted but it doesn’t sound very Christian to me. Hope the rest of the bitter and twisted family are happy now with their 30 pieces of silver, having cast out one of their own.

Every day I hear something new about religion, the less I want to do with it.

And talking of churches …

Okay, the church has done nothing wrong this time, it’s simply an old sign from my local council that never fails to amuse. On the top of Church Hill in Walsall, you will see a sign, pointing the direction to the town’s attractions. Most go one way, but look at the arm pointing to the right that states where to find St Matthew’s Church.

Now take a look at the bigger picture and the sign six foot away and huge building about another twenty beyond that.

Erm, do you not think the huge limestone building in the background with a 170ft spire is a bit of a bloody giveaway that there is indeed a church there?

It was always going to happen.

Last year, Rupert Murdoch’s newspaper, the News of the World, was exposed as having hacked phones. We all know it’s just the tip of the iceberg and that they’re all probably doing it but nevertheless, supremo Murdoch sacrificed his golden lamb and called a halt to the paper’s 168 year history.

Now that was all very well and good, if it was always going to stay that way but as everybody predicted, similarly sleazy paper, the Sun, is soon going to be published on a Sunday. Now as this rag was the weekly sister paper to the News of the World and part of Murdoch’s empire, can anybody see what difference we have apart from a name?

Now we have his trash and gutter-press again, seven days a week to stir up hysteria and hatred like the headline below.

That was the banner on Friday 17, reporting of the arrest of a 26-year-old, accused of the senseless killing of a teenage girl. Yes, she may have been a Goth but whatever the killer’s fashion-sense happens to be, she is simply a killer.

As a result of this idiotic sensationalism, are we going to have some brain-dead morons targeting those who live in a Gothic way, just because some paper brands that particular lifestyle as being weird?

There are some decent people out there after all.

I’m not sure I’d want to brag about this one though, because when Ian Roberts and Pam Curtis found over £21,000 in a bag inside a wicker basket on their doorstep, the police were fairly certain it was as a result of a bungled drug deal. As nobody has come forward to claim the cash, the couple have quite rightly, been able to keep the money as their own. They have since gone public, saying they plan to donate the cash to a regeneration project for a local park. Good for them.

However, if it was me, I’d still be wary of having my smiling face in pictures, gleaming about good fortune when there’s maybe a really pissed-off drug dealer with a gun out there who’s upset that he no longer has his money.

Right … my bath’s ready.

I’m off for a soak with the other woman.

Cheers.

Nick

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