In the name of sanity …
You may remember me talking about Christmas the other week and how we seem to start shopping in October. Well, I was driving home the other evening in the pouring rain, slowed down for a second, and saw it.
Duh, duh, duuuuuurrrr!
I know it’s blurry, but you can just about make it out through a rainy windscreen – the horror. Yes, it wasn’t even late November at the time and some idiot had their Christmas decorations up.
I don’t know why some folk bother to take them down in the first place, they seem to be back up again before you know. I mentioned sanity in the title to this piece but with Christmas, sanity goes out of the window. Why do folk go overboard, spend thousands they can’t afford, all for some superstitious nonsense? Let’s face it, Chico Marx was right.
A disturbing revelation.
The other week, I posted a piece about the dentist and to illustrate, used a still from the old Aquafresh advert with the smiling cartoon family. Well, thanks to my good friend, Mr Rich Wiltshir, I have been traumatised since by the image in my mind after an observation he made.
He said, “Am I the first to think the couple in your toothpaste add look like siblings?”
Arrrgghhh! I never thought of it before, but he’s right. The Aquafresh family are brother and sister and the cute Aquafresh child is a result of an incestuous relationship. Either that or Rich and I have far too much time on our hands.
It can’t be true. If they were inbred, they’d have bad teeth, not sparkling ones and they’d be on the Jeremy Kyle Show. As far as I can see, this family are off to Florida.
Bit of a Rolling ripoff …
I like the Rolling Stones. As I said the other week when commenting on a piece, I have some of their albums. However, I keep reading of fans complaining that their big 50th anniversary show in London was being ticketed at over £100 for the cheapest seats to nearly four times that for better ones.
An absolute ripoff. They should be ashamed. It’s not like they need the money. A decent tariff would have rewarded fans.
On another note, I see Bill Wyman has been drafted in to make a reunion appearance. I see everybody has conveniently forgotten he used to be a pedophile.
Yes, I know she was 18 when they married, but she states he’d been shagging her since she was 13. If it happened today, he’d subsequently be shagging a beefy skinhead called, Boris – in prison.
Strange things in a strange town.
Went to a great concert the other night in Wolverhampton by one of my favourites at the minute – Frank Turner. I took Matthew, my 13-year-old and it was on the way back to the car in Wolverhampton Town Centre, he pointed something out to me.
‘Look at that chair on its own.’
In Wolverhampton, seating is provided for shoppers. Most look like this …
However, the one my son pointed out was single and lonely, as is shown below.
I though it rather funny. But why install a single chair? The only thing I can think of is the politically correct brigade in Wolverhampton want to cater for all people so they have several solitary seats for those who have no mates.
Bureaucratic madness.
I read the other day that over 5000 under-aged offenders have received driving bans which have been imposed even though they are not legally old enough to drive. Five kids have had this ban even though they are only 11.
What the hell is the point of that? Yes, fine them and do everything the system allows within the range of common sense but why ban them from doing something they aren’t supposed to do anyway?
The circus comes to Stamford Bridge – again.
I see multimillionaire, Roman Abramovich wielded the axe again this week. Now when Roberto Di Matteo was sacked by West Bromwich Albion nearly two years ago, I thought it harsh. However, they were facing relegation and history shows the right decision was probably made, in hindsight. Still, Roberto went to Chelsea and became manager when the mad Russian sacked the last poor sod after half a season in charge. Robbie took the job, then went onto win the biggest prize in European football.
Not good enough for Abramovich. I mean, after a few games this season, Chelsea are only in 4th so Robbie had to go.
Bollocks. I feel for Chelsea fans … Actually, I don’t. They’ve had all this glory just because some billionaire wants to use them as his plaything. Still, what does Abramovic expect? A manager needs time. Far more than this twat gives them.
What a clown.
He has now installed former Liverpool manager, Rafa Benitez, in the hope he will lead Chelsea to the Premier League title. If past managers are anything to go by, Rafa shouldn’t worry about buying a house in SW6 just yet. Having a long stay in the Premier League? Rafa Benitez should expect a few weeks at a Premier Inn.
Don’t you know there’s a war on?
David Cameron has said that the battle for global prosperity is the same as the one we had when fighting Hitler.
Now there is a thing called Godwin’s Law. This is the idea that as soon as you bring Hitler and the Nazis into an argument, you immediately lose that argument.
Okay, not exactly the same but by using Hitler as a reference in this one, Cameron has proved one thing.
He is a pillock.
No – still not in the festive spirit.
And I won’t be for many weeks to come. I do celebrate Christmas, but as an atheist, I use it as a time to be nice to my family once a year. Other people take it to the extreme, as in the case of the November Christmas lights on that house at the top of this roast. Then you have all the stocking up in case the world ends because the shops shut for one day a year. And don’t get me started on cards. You have all the palaver of sending cards to people you see every day, but it doesn’t end there.
What was it I saw in the shop the other day? One with a greeting – Happy Christmas from the cat.
From the fucking cat????
Yes, sanity has more than gone out the window. It’s now stuck up the chimney with last year’s rotting remains of Father Christmas.
Cheers – and bah humbug!
Nick
Just a couple of responses this week:
1/ My lifestyle no longer demands that I spend the winter evenings driving along Sutton Road with the HUGE distraction of some tosser’s annual waste of electricity that spills light equivalent to half a dozen emergency vehicles synchronously blazing “look at me” at the side of the road.
2/ I apologise for my observation of Mr & Mrs Toothpaste, yet feel compelled to share my analysis of their Florida poster which suggests, to me at least, that they’re related to Tin Tin… what an adventure.
3/ Great spot Matthew, I have an idea about this… Notice that the trio of chairs each has an armrest. For those of sufficient biomass, these would present a significant discomfort as certain backsides (the one on Mr Cameron’s shoulders, for example) are far wider than the distance between them. My conclusion is that the mono-seat is for those whose arse and personality merit a solitary seating location…. Perhaps I’m wrong? I concede some hypocracy here, as my own arse would be a cartographical challenge to Vasco DeGama, such is it’s girth. Though I’d welcome the banter if anyone wishes to start a ‘you arse is bigger than mine’ competiton.
4/ Though I don’t do christmas (new year, birthdays and the like), I’m constantly amused at the ill-considered criticism of christians toward atheists who do raise a glass and otherwise indulge. Their oft-yelled jibe ‘if you don’t believe in god, why celebrate christmas?’ exposes their own ignorance regarding the ancient Winter Solstice* traditions. It also reveals they’re unaware of the double-standards of a cult which asserts ‘though shalt not steal,’ whilst pragiarising earlier mythologies notions of virgin births (from Horus of Egypt to Mithras and many others, including Buddah), resurrection (3 dark days around new moon), three wise men (Orion’s Belt?) and virtually all of the BS spouted by any of the 30,000 plus variants of christianity today.
5/ Yes, I do go on, sorry about that.
* Solstice is used for several place names in my own novel, ‘Drake’s Fulcrum’….. is this product placement?
What are you saying now … Is Tintin part of an incestuous family. Nooooooo! What has he been doing with that dog, too? I do also have a different theory about the solitary chairs … the planners in Wolverhampton are tossers.
Hi Nick,
The toothpaste ad reminds me of Casualty a few weeks ago where the couple had a kid with a rare disorder, then and they find out they are brother and sister, because their dad had a bit on the side many moons ago. I know, I’m getting desperate watching Casualty, but it came after the lottery draws one week and I’ve been watching it ever since. It’s interesting if you try ‘spot who used to be in The Bill’, years ago… They get a few from Corrie too, another one I can’t bleeding stand any more.
I went to the Manor today, 3 quid to park and I could have took a few photos of the hospital, but it was raining. Then into the rush hours traffic – tossers heading for the M6, to go home to their luxury detached boxes in Solihull. I do wish they would close the M6. The nurse said my arm might hurt when I got home. I thought she meant the one she put the injection into… I think when they took my blood they sucked it all back out again! 🙂
I feel old. I stopped watching Casualty ten years ago.
Funny enough, I used to have to travel from poor Walsall to go and do work for the people of Solihul. Ironic.
I’d better be getting cards from cats. Are dogs too selfish?
Christmas Officially starts for me this Sunday, when I’m booked in to sit and watch National Lampoons Christmas with my gf. That’s not so bad, but there’s a lonnnng way to go before Christmas and that could be the start of the slippery slope of Christmas films…
I bet there are ‘Christmas from the dog’ cards, I just didn’t see them.