Antony N Britt – Author

Do you get plagued by spam?

I remember when the word was associated with foul tasting tinned meat and a sketch by Monty Python. Now, every time I turn on the computer, I am flooded with loads of unwanted junk.

And it’s not just the emails, either. I can get rid of them with my filters. However, every time I look at Facebook, I see adverts which are spam, but in web-designed form.

And some of them are strange, I have to admit.

Take this one, for instance.

Lemsip, the citrus flavoured paracetamol drink has it’s own Facebook page.

Lemsip – Why the hell would anybody want to like Lemsip? Apparently, 162,240 people do and a further 6,709 are talking about it.

I mean, to take Lemsip, you have to have a stinking cold and raging temperature. Is that what all these people want?

Madness. Some peculiar folk about.

And it’s not just on Facebook.

My son sent me the link for the next oddity. He was looking at some of the weird things people sell on Ebay and came across this little gem for sale at a starting bid of £0.99.

The mystery card trick number guessing game. I’m kind of guessing as to why anybody would want to bid for it. I’ve seen them before and this is out of a cheap Christmas Cracker. Not only that, it apparently comes as a job lot.

What … you mean you may want to buy more of them? Still, it does come unused and in its original packaging. Now I wonder why …?

But back to those Facebook Ads …

Zombies are everywhere … apparently. And you can buy this gun to blast them to pieces.

Not so stupid as it sounds. I went shopping in Walsall Town Centre the other day, mainly in pound shops looking for a 2013 diary. To a person, nearly every being I came within half a metre of, wasn’t looking where they were going. They all seem to stare into the air in a complete daze. It was like being on the set of Shaun of the Dead.

And there are even ads when you try to log into Facebook.

Fancy a beardo … WTF?

I thought it was a spoof. A joke, but no. Look on Amazon or any shopping site and you’ll see these peculiar hats for sale. A beardo. But what I want to know is … who in the name of sanity would want to wear something as ridiculous looking as that? Yes, it will keep your face warm, so will a fucking beard, so grow one.

Also, does each beardo come with displayed fashion accessory of artificial baby?

And then there be Apps …

Once you have logged into Facebook, after purchasing your beardo, one of the first things you are bombarded with are requests which require you to install these apps. Now I don’t trust them. I reckon there are some really dodgy ones. Plus don’t anybody send me more of these My Calender requests. I don’t care. I don’t want to know.

One I did try and gave up in boredom halfway through after sampling, was the influential albums app.

Yes, that’s the one. Actually, I do have two of the five shown. Guess which. But as I say, I was about forty into ticking the ones I’d got out of the top 100 and stopped. Why would it matter? It doesn’t. I don’t care what albums are influential to other people, I only care about the ones I like. Yes, I have over a 1000 (though I have culled many to the loft), and out of the top 100 of my favourites, fifty will be spread between half a dozen artists. So why should I like what others think are influential? They certainly haven’t influenced me.

And another ad …

Yes, learn how to be a successful property developer by listening to soccer star, Robbie Fowler’s investment techniques.

Well, earning £100k a week for kicking a ball about gives you a slight edge in the investment market, don’t you think. Not so easy for the rest of us, Robbie.

And finally, we get the dating site.

Not looking to join one. I’m still in relationship rehab. However, I accidentally clicked a link on the Facebook site and came across this.

What the hell is Gary Lineker doing using a dating site? Come on … it’s him … it really is. Got to be.

Cheers.

Nick