Antony N Britt – Author

Ship Ahoy!

I caught an advert on TV the other day. It’s actually strange for me to do this as having Sky+, I generally zip through and miss them. Anyway, this advert was for one of those part-works magazines and the latest on offer is to make a replica model of the 17th century vessel, Sovereign of the Seas.

Doesn’t it look grand. Now I have been conned by these part-works before and glad I’m not remotely interested in warships. You see, to build the Sovereign of the Seas, it will apparently take you 135 issues to do so (a part comes with each edition) at a cost of £804.65. The thing is, you also have to build it yourself. Jesus, if you’re like me and have a history of glueing your fingers together making Airfix planes as a kid, you’d be pretty miffed to spend nearly a grand only to have a model ship that looked as if it would sink no sooner than launched.

There really should be better control over these magazine companies. Also, even if you are competent, it will still take nearly three years to build which is actually longer than the time taken to construct the real thing back in the days of King Charles I.

And talking of taking ages …

I told the tale, a few weeks back, about my task of clearing the loft. One of the things I came across while I was up there was a battered box containing my old game of Risk.

Yes, there it is. You recall Risk, don’t you? Risk is the military strategy game which was much fun to play. The thing is, you could never actually finish a game. It took ages. I recall playing well into the early hours and then having to note down all the troops and continents they were deployed on in order to start again next day.

You could be years playing bloody Risk. In fact, real wars have started and finished in a shorter space of time than it takes to play a game of Risk. And that set me thinking. What other games were impossible and took forever to play? I know there’s Ker-Plunk, but that was only half an hour to set up for two minutes play. I’m talking Risk-Factor, here. Games you never finished. The one which springs to my mind is a game I never owned, thank heavens. Escape from Colditz.

A friend of mine as a kid, had this one and no bugger ever managed to escape. It was impossible. More people escaped from the real Colditz Castle during the war than completed this daft game.

So there’s the challenge. Give me your brain numbing, crazy games which were so complicated, you needed to crack the enigma code to work them out.

Not so holy an order …

A Taoist Monk was in court this week, charged with cultivating a cannabis farm. Michael Martin says only by smoking weed, can he be fulfilled spiritually. Yeah … Some might call it being dope-head.

Still, he’s a failed monk. Probably been trying to kick the habit for years.

Look, if I hadn’t have said it, someone else, would.

Trying to be too spicy?

Pop group, Girls Aloud are planning something special to mark their 10th anniversary.

Really … Have we had ten years of that drivel?

Singer, Sarah Harding was inspired by the Spice Girls reunion at the Olympic closing ceremony where the old spice crew sang while jumping on a load of taxis.

Sarah says Girls Aloud want to do something similar. Their effort will be called jumping on the bandwagon.

Taking time to decide.

In 1944, the Paterson Evening News said it would award $500 to the first local soldier to set foot on German soil during the Allied landing.

Well, after nearly 70 years deliberation, they decided to award it to 87-year-old Seymour Atkins. However, this was only after the only other candidate, Sidney Bressler, died last year.

Crikey, talk about process of elimination.

Time on their hands?

Latest waste of money by those parasitic leeches at Buck Palace is the job advertised for an official timekeeper. The Queen is looking to appoint somebody on a salary of £30k to look after more than 1000 royal watches and clocks.

1000. How many clocks does one person bloody need?

Southern Fried Mars Bar.

Confectioner – Mars have moaned about chip shops in the UK, deep frying their Mars Bars.

Now I have to agree, nothing sounds more disgusting but hang on … why are they being so sanctimonious? Mars say this practise “Goes against their commitment to promoting a healthy lifestyle.”

What healthy lifestyle is this? Is it the one where you stuff 280 calories down your gob and digest the caramel, syrup, cocoa butter and all the other crap in the thick, thick chocolate of Mars?

A little near to the deadline in finishing this week’s roast.

Had to get up really early today. Needed to mow the lawn, now I’m trying to finish this roast. Talk about last minute. In the bath in a minute, then going to meet up with a few friends and try to finish the game of Risk we’ve been playing since 1975.

Cheers.

Nick