Tag Archive: Iain Duncan Smith

Still harping on about Christmas.

I do hate it. Just for once it would be nice to do something I want instead of having to please other people.

December 23 - Bah Humbug!

Ahh, Christmas. A time when we should all worship our loving God. The same God who slaughters over 2 million of his subjects in the Bible. With friends like him …?

Take the nativity. Jesus is born and God sends a star to guide three wise men to bear gifts. Unfortunately, the star isn’t accurate and the men end up going to King Herod by mistake. So, having been sent the wrong way by God, the wise men blurt out the secret to Herod, thus instigating the massacre of the innocents. Hmm … Doesn’t sound very wise to me.

Dec 29 - Monty Python Wise Men

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Because of God’s misdirection, dozens of newborn subjects, waiting to be brainwashed into loving God, are murdered.

There is a moral to this story. If ever in life you are lost and in need of direction, don’t trust God, buy a Sat-Nav instead.

Merry Christmas.

And talking of Christmas presents …

Earlier this year I did a piece about a two inch Hex/Allen key which came posted to me in a twelve inch box full of polystyrene shapes to protect the metal object. Well, one of David’s Christmas presents nearly matched that for over zealous packing.

Dec 29 - Big Box for Small Item © Antony N Britt

There it is, a massive three-foot box to send a twelve inch toy train. And no bubble wrap … tut tut. It’s a good job my recycle collection came two days after Christmas.

And while I was shopping for the kids toys …

I’m glad my daughter isn’t into those bland karaoke singers from One Dimension (I mean … One Direction). If she was, she may have wanted me to buy her the replica dolls instead of the Gothic Dead Dolls she normally likes (Yes, I have children with strange tastes). However, while I was shopping for Clawdeen Wolf, Venus Flytrap and Viperine Gorgon, I came across the previously mentioned boy-band dolls.

Dec 29 - One Direction Doll in Shop

Ahh … I’m kind of guessing Liam is the minger of the band who nobody wants. I almost feel sorry for him.

And the picture of the week.

When I used to post on Myspace, I only offered one photograph a week at first. It would always be something I came across while out and about. This one I’m sticking on now reminds me of the ludicrous things I used to see.

As I was climbing the staircase to make my way to a coffee shop, I noticed elsewhere in the building there was a CD and Record fair taking place. However, half way up the stairs, after kicking some puppet frog out of the way, I noticed a directional sign for the CD event.

Dec 29 - Upside Down Sign © Antony N Britt

I’m guessing they hadn’t a sign which catered for the stairs turning to the right so therefore had to put this one upside down.

Only in Walsall.

A short observation.

Also in my Myspace roasts, I would have a piece titled, Knob of the Week. Okay, this knob was a couple of weeks ago but I haven’t posted in that time so I really should give one final award and hand it to Lord Hanningfield.

Dec 29 - Lord Hanningfield

Hanningfield has been in the news over the revelation he claimed £300 allowance for spending 45 minutes in the House of Lords one day.

Yet another example of the over privileged having positions of power in this country. In an interview, the Tory Twit stated he didn’t know what the fuss was about. He called it, “A storm in a teacup.”

Spending under an hour to earn £300, I’m surprised he had time for a cup of tea.

And a Happy New Year.

2013 has been the most difficult year of my life, and it had a knock on effect in my writing. As for the Sunday Roast, I hope throughout, people haven’t been offended by what I say. It really is, tongue-in-cheek.

I don’t actually dislike One Direction. I wouldn’t know their songs if they were blasting my eardrums. I don’t even hate Russel Brand, Sharon Osbourne or any of the other celebrities I’ve lampooned. Even the royals, I’m ambivalent about. So I’m truly okay with all I have a go at and none of the insults are meant. Well, apart from those directed at Iain Duncan Smith. He’s a complete cunt.

Dec 29 - Iain Duncan Smith

Farewell from the Sunday Roast.



I’m back …

April 13 - Roast Beef Dinner

It’s been a few weeks, but most of you know the reasons why so I won’t go into them. Now, first and foremost, the Sunday Roast is on a diet. 500 words and I stop. Well, 500 or thereabouts. Okay, 500 and however many I feel like writing after.

So what’s been happening?

I see there appears to be a bit of a ding-dong over a certain record hitting the charts.

April 13 - Ding Dong the Witch is Dead Thatcher

Yes, that grainy photo is taken from the Wizard of Oz and Ding Dong the Witch is Dead, hit number 2 in the charts this week due to the death of Margaret Thatcher.

I wasn’t going to say anything, however, I keep reading articles which tell us to have respect for her. Why? She didn’t have respect for the people whose lives she ruined. Those who faced years of hardship under her rule (me included) and those who lost their livelihood like the workers in the coal industry, the steel industry, and that’s just for starters. Also, I keep hearing talk about our benefit culture by cretins such as Iain Duncan Smith. The thing is, bloody Thatcher is the reason we have this benefit culture. She created a generation brought up on benefits in the 80s. All of those born into this lifestyle are now in their thirties with kids of their own, living in the same system. Thatcher once said, “There is no such thing as society.” Well, she certainly created one society, that’s for sure.

Having said that, Thatcher did give us one thing to look back on with joy. Her caricature Spitting Image puppet.

April 13 - Margaret Thatcher Spitting Image

I can recall it to this day. Thatcher is sitting around the dining table with her cabinet and is asked what she would like for dinner.

‘I’d like steak, raw,’ says Thatcher.

The waitress asks, ‘What about the vegetables?’

Thatcher replies, ‘They’ll have the same as me.’


I don’t care. To me, she was a tyrant but there have been calls by some to erect a statue to her in Trafalgar Square. Why not? Something for the pigeons to shit on.

Still, condolences to her family, but I’m not grieving, or being a hypocrite.

And talking of Trafalgar …

Last year, I spoke of one of those part-work magazines where you had to collect over one hundred issues to build the ship, Sovereign of the Seas. I read about a similar one, this week. For 120 issues, people have paid over £700 on a replica of HMS Victory, which was Nelson’s ship at Trafalgar.

April 13 - De Agostini HMS Victory

The collection has now come to an expensive end. However, it seems there is an error and the ship has a part missing. Hysterical. I don’t recall ever reading that HMS Victory sailed into Trafalgar with a bloody gaping hole in the side. You have to laugh. All that money spent over two years, and it’s wrong.

Recycle, recycle, recycle.

I did a double-take this week on seeing the headline that body parts are being recycled.


However, on closer examination, it appears it is only the metal pins, plates and screws, etc, which are being talked about.

Come on, that’s not exactly body parts, but imagine if we were recycled. What would you like to see people recycled as?

Feb 3 - Iain Duncan Smith

Yes, Iain Duncan Smith as a chair in a jobcentre. Then perhaps he could be of some use to the unemployed.

That’s all folks …

April 13 - That's all folks. Porky Pig

See, new job and all that, told you it would be short.

What do you mean, ‘Thank God?’



Ode to my valentine …

I felt as if a weight had been lifted off me on Thursday as this was the first Valentine’s Day since 1986 where I didn’t have to buy one. I’d like to say I didn’t receive anything, either, but the cute bear which greeted me on my doorstep will testify, otherwise.

Feb 17 - Cute Bear © Antony N Britt

There he is, warm now after shivering whilst being left in a freezing porch all night. It wouldn’t be too bad and I’d be mildly curious were it not for the fact my cleaning appeared to have been done while I was out and a note left with tips as to which items of clothing somebody thought I should no longer wear and perhaps donate to charity.

Okay, I may have made that last bit up and you will be wondering if Nick, here, has gone soft by speaking nicely about Valentine’s Day. You know, what with his views on Christmas (Bah Humbug!) and other moans. Perhaps, you are thinking, he’s a softy when it comes to matters of the heart?

Well you’d be wrong!

Valentine’s Day. Pah! Load of marketing nonsense by the retailers yet again to get us to part with money we haven’t got. February 14! Why the hell can’t every day be special if you are with somebody you love? I’m just thankful I’ve had a year off. Restaurants double their prices, chocolates are two for the price of three and shareholders in Ann Summer’s shops receive massive dividends.

Still, there are nice gifts to be had … all for the ladies, of course. Cuddly toys, sexy lingerie, perfume, jewellery, the list goes on. You go into an Ann Summer’s shop and what is on offer for men to slip seductively into?

Feb 17 - Novelty Elephant Thong

Before you ask … no, I didn’t model it.

Now some men don’t even like venturing into these shops. Never bothered me in the past, although it did usually get a little awkward when you cannot switch off one or ten vibrators which are hopping around on the shelves because you started messing with them whilst bored when your girlfriend was in the changing room trying on a nice matching two-piece set. Yes … it happened.

And even if the standard range of gifts doesn’t take your fancy, you can always dice with death and buy your loved one a deep fat fryer. In fact, all sorts of kitchen implements may suffice though I’d stay away from the knife sets.

Bath stuff … yes, that too. The girls love it. But what, apart from safari themed g-strings and the obligatory bottle of Blue Stratos, is there for men to receive?

Know what I was once given, as an example of what there is out there for us guys on Valentine’s Day?

Feb 17 - Nasal Hair Remover

A bloody nasal hair remover!

And on the Direct Gov job site this week …

7.5t driver req

Yes, Mr Tyre Ltd, is advertising for a seven and a half ton driver. Let’s hope the suspension on his vehicle will take the strain.

Prank of the Week.

This happened on an American TV network when hackers hijacked the system and broadcast a phony news report about Zombies attacking the neighborhood.

Feb 17 - Dawn of the Dead

Yes, remember that one? It was Dawn of the Dead where decaying corpses spent their days shopping for fashion accessories in the mall. And some people actually believed this was happening for real as a result of the fake broadcast and thus, called the cops.

Ridiculous, as is the prospect of brain-dead folk wandering around a shopping centre.

Having said that, I haven’t been to Westfield Merry Hill, lately.

What is Idiot Duncan Smith going on about now?

Our Welfare and Pensions Secretary was aggrieved this week when a young woman, Cait Reilly, won a landmark case which likened her working for free in Poundland, to that of being a slave. What? The audacity. Fancy her wanting money.

I agree, in principle to doing work for benefits but Poundland is a private company and they’re getting something for nothing. It wouldn’t be so bad if there was useful training and a decent job at the end of it … but Poundland!

Iain Duncan Smith says the slavery jibe was a slur and an insult to people living in oppression. Yes, that would be us under you, Iain, and the rest of your in it for themselves, Tory leeches. Insulting? What I find insulting is a millionaire politician telling people on £71 a week jobseekers allowance that they have enough to live on and they should stop moaning.

Ring any bells, Iain?

Feb 17 - Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith – The day he went to see how poor people live.

And similarly …

Bungling bank, RBS are to give their greedy fat cat chief another bonus.

Feb 17 - Stephen Hester

Yes, there’s Stephen Hester, waiting for his tin of Whiskers Supermeat.

Last year, public pressure forced Stephen to decline his near £1million bonus through gritted teeth. Well, he’s at it again. This time it’s only a paltry £780,000.

The bankers, they really don’t understand it. Nothing more than crooks, the lot of them. Muggers and looters, only this lot hide behind spreadsheets and a suit.

So Hester reckons he deserves his bonus while lesser paid staff at the bank have their money cut to pay for the Libor fine imposed as a result of high-ups in the bank rigging the lending rate.

Nationalise the banks and let them do what they are meant to do – provide a service for the people, not make the rich, richer.

Not such a Dappy chappy, now?

Dappy, the {C}Rap singer of alleged pop group, N-Dubz, walked free from court this week despite being found guilty of a serious assault. Funnily, his two (non-famous) co-defendants were jailed for over a year each after they did the pop ponce’s bidding by beating up some people at a petrol station.

So two unknowns are sent down while the famous one is let off with a slap on the wrist. Amazing what being a star does for you in terms of getting away with things. No doubt it will be the chat shows next, filled with his ugly mug on how he is so misunderstood.

Aww … Bless.

Feb 17 - Dappy

Dappy. Calling him a music star is simply a contradiction in terms.

I was just thinking …

I mentioned it in jest earlier on, but can you even get Blue Stratos these days, or am I showing my age?



Happy Birthday to this site

Feb 3 - Badge

I didn’t realise the website was a year old until writing this roast.

My God, that’s one whole year of opinionated crap, Titanic film jokes and people with bad teeth from the Jeremy Kyle show.

I do have to say though, all the best to Jeremy in his battle against cancer. Let’s face it, without that show I’d have had far fewer visitors in the past year. Still, I am sticking to my New Year promise of no more poking fun at the dentally challenged from the show. However, even into February, it still remains the number one search engine term used to bring traffic to me.

Jeremy Kyle, Jeremy Kyle teeth, Jeremy Kyle bad teeth and even … Ugly people with teeth on Jeremy Kyle.


Get better soon, Jezza … as they say in the Black Country.

And talking of the Black Country …

Yes, that is where I come from. A right old run-down area in the Midlands which is called the Black Country because of the coal seam most of the land lies upon.

I know over the past year, I have taken several (modest estimation here) swipes at my local town, Walsall for being depressed and going to pot. Well, this has taken years of hard work by local businesses and the council to achieve and I was treated on Friday to a taste of what Walsall has been aspiring to in all this time – neighbouring West Bromwich.

Once a nice little shopping centre, for years West Bromwich has been nothing more than tatty pound-shops, tacky market stalls and empty premises. It is, basically – a hole.

Well, undeterred, Walsall saw West Bromwich as a shining light and have tried, with much success, to emulate it.

As I say, on Friday, I had the delight of going to West Bromwich and found nothing had changed since my last visit. You still feel as if you need to wash your hands on the way out and I did wonder if my car would be there when I returned to it. It was, thankfully, intact. I saw it in the distance as I listened to the piped music in the car park. Then I stopped. Puzzled. Music in the bloody car park … why?

Feb 3 - Music in Car Park

Apologies for the picture, I have a rubbish camera on my phone.

Anyway, I approached my car and saw the speaker. It was blasting Karma Chameleon, distorted at full volume above the bonnet my Ford Focus. Can anybody offer an explanation? I don’t go to West Bromwich very much for a number of reasons but certainly not to listen to music in a filthy car park. I’m much too concerned with getting back to my vehicle before I get mugged.

Still, even though I had to spend two hours there, at 80p to park, it was good value … and at least my car was kept entertained by the music. Stopped it from getting bored.

And still in the suburb of West Bromwich …

West Bromwich Albion is actually the team I support. All my life I’ve had to suffer ridicule and abuse because basically, we’ve been shit. But no more. For the past couple of years, not a bad little team has been assembled at the Hawthorns and for the first time in over 30 years, they can lay claim to be the top team in the region.

With this in mind, you’d think players would be clamouring to be at the club. Not so, Peter Odemwinge.

The want-away striker hoped to further his career by engineering a deadline-day move to … er, bottom of the table, Queens Park Rangers. He says it was ambition and nothing to do with the huge salary on offer. Anyway, refused permission by his club, he took it upon himself to drive down to London and force his way through the door. He was, quite rightly, refused.

Cue the eggs, see the target.

Feb 3 - Peter Odemwinge with Egg on his face

Peter Odemwinge with egg on his face.

Therefore, poor old Peter had to drive back home with his tail between his legs, knowing he has to face his team mates … and the fans, who all know he has stuck two-fingers up at a club who took him in and turned his career around. Good on West Brom for not bowing to him and any other overpaid Charlie.

As for Queens Park Rangers … That name should have an apostrophe in it. Queen’s. It was named after Queen’s Park, not a collective group of queens who happened to have a picnic in the park one day.

The latest thing for Twits to play with.

Mobile phone app, Vine, lets you share six-second video clips on Twitter, apparently.

Feb 3 - Twitter Vine

Six seconds! I wonder if it’s going to be like You Tube? Six seconds of crap video after having to watch a thirty second advertisement.

And the worry by watchdogs is that it will be simply used to spread porn and people will be posting clips of themselves having sex.

Come on … six seconds! Who in this country really only lasts six seconds having sex, apart from those living in … (Last piece edited out when I realised I know somebody who lives there).

You have just been Captcha’d.

As I have been saying, it is the first anniversary of starting on WordPress. I think I made the right choice in defecting from the now useless, Myspace, but do you want to know the real reason I chose WordPress, and not Blogger?

This …

Dec 16 Captcha2

Yes, those bloody irritating Captcha requests.

Don’t you just find them tedious? You can imagine the smarmy voice. ‘Please prove to us you’re not a robot.’

Arrrgghhh! Fuck off! I mean, what the hell is the one above supposed to be? Eatywipt3 or something. What the bloody hell is an eatywipt? They’re just making it up.

Then there’s this one:

Dec 16 Captcha

What? For f….’s sake! So now you people who use Blogger and read me, know why it is I don’t often reciprocate and comment back. I’d love to but I can’t bloody do so without a degree in Mensa and a liking for doing the cryptic crossword. I mean, what do you think that second one is? Sort of, er … Drainpipe, wall of housey ntcyone. It makes no blooming sense.

There, rant over. Mind you, I suppose I could introduce it myself. How about this one to type in before making a comment?

                      Feb 3 - Iain Duncan Smith                Feb 3 - Is a Cock

Yes, childish, I know. But wouldn’t it be funny to get everybody to type that Iain Duncan Smith is one?



Dirty Deeds at the Council House.

I’m talking as though this is exclusive to my own town of Walsall, but I guess we are probably not alone.

Jan 13 - Walsall Council

Like many places, Walsall is facing hard times. High levels of unemployment, cuts to council services and most of the shops are shut because it’s too expensive to park in the town. Plus, nobody has any money. Nobody except our ruling councillors, that is.

The greedy sods, elected by the people of Walsall, this week stuck two fingers up to the residents by voting themselves a whopping big pay-rise. This is at the same time that hardworking council staff face their own cutbacks, many of whom have had wage reductions.

Sheriff of Nottingham Walsall, leader Mike Bird gets an increase of £4,500 a year while Sir Guy of Gisborn (deputy Adrian Andrew), gets an astounding £9k rise. Talk about robbing from the poor.

Despite widespread criticism, the ruling Conservative (in it for themselves) party proposed this outrageous motion. It was widely condemned by other groups and had the opposing Labour party not abstained from the vote, it would not have been passed.

Good going, Labour. When elected, you are given a vote in council and you should be duty-bound to use it. Not these useless bunch of cretins. Basically, Labour played their faces, pretended to say they were against the motion, but did not vote against it. They abstained. Now, they too will benefit from the rise. Nice for them. Well done. Two main parties in Walsall. One failed the people due to their own greed, the other failed by doing nothing about it. Which is worse?

And on the big stage …

There’s a big fuss about benefit reform at the minute. Yes, the system does need an overhaul but seeing the likes of Iain Duncan Smith with his holier than thou attitude, makes my skin crawl.

Iain Duncan Smith, a man so bad at his job when leader of the Conservative party a few years back, his own MPs got shot of him. Now he’s there again in a position of power, sending sick people back to work while telling us the poor can survive on £70-per-week. This is the parasite who spent £39 on a breakfast … then claimed it all back in expenses.

June 24 Iain Duncan Smith

Hope he chokes on his hash brown, next time.

Is this really the best headline a national newspaper could find?

There must really have been nothing going on in the news that day.

Jealous lover, Rob Davey shaved his girlfriend’s prized shih-tzu when he thought she’d been lying to him. He has now, rightly been fined heavily and had his punishment. But this … a major headline?

Okay, I know it’s really not funny, but I can’t help laughing at it. Come on, it’s not like the thing was injured. It’s a bloody dog. And why the hell did the paper black the dog’s eyes out; was it to protect its identity? I think you’d know if you saw it shivering in the street while trying to pee up a lamppost.

Still, I must show some sympathy. Imagine having your canine rights infringed like that. What a bad owner. A right little shi-tzu.

Heroes to Zeros …

Now that I’ve got the political tosspots and stupidity out the way, let’s have some music talk.

When I speak of heroes, one of my greatest has to be David Bowie. From my teenage years, I had the lot. Every new release, then collecting the back catalogue, all of them on vinyl. Heck, I even had the Deram stuff complete with the Laughing Gnome.

So it was with great trepidation that I clicked You Tube to listen to Where Are We Now, his first release in ten years. Well, my fears were not unfounded. David, you’ve done bugger all decent since 1983 (bar a couple of tracks here and there), and this is no different. It’s dire.

Jan 13 - David Bowie, Where Are We Now

Now I know the bandwagon are going to be wetting themselves but the guy is fallible, and has been during all the time I speak of. Yeah, I know it’s good to have new stuff. I often criticise those living in the past but in this case, I think I’ll stick to Aladdin Sane and a bit of Cracked Actor.

And another hero … but this one going out with a bang.

I was really saddened to hear about Wilko Johnson and the fact he’s been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. I can listen to those early Dr Feelgood tracks and still want to lose myself in the intoxication of jumping around the room. I finally saw him and his band a couple of years ago and it was some experience. Wilko has opted not to have any treatment but while he is still able, plans to do a farewell tour this year.

Jan 13 - Wilko Johnson

Don’t know if I could go. Bit emotional and I’m sure there are fans far more devoted than me who deserve the tickets to see him play. But … what an performer.

And scraping the bottom of the barrel of music …

A few weeks ago I reported that One Direction karaoke singer, Harry Styles, was dating the beautiful Taylor Swift. Well, it now seems old Harry has blown it and he and Taylor have split up.

What a plonker. I mean, who would want to blow Taylor Swift?

Jan 13 - Taylor Swift

Don’t answer that.

Farewell for this week …

I’m off to register myself as standing to be a local councilor. Don’t want the job but at least this time next year, I can award myself a massive pay rise after doing bugger all to deserve one.




Only one place to begin this week …

And that’s in the Sanctuary of the Mercy Church in Zaragosa, Spain.

Yes, childish, I know, but I can’t stop giggling at the fresco ruined by the 80-year-old woman who thought she was helping by attempting to touch up the image of Christ which has been on the wall of the church over 120 years.

Poor old Christ, he once looked like this …

But damp attacking the plaster, rendered him like this …

Enter Cecilia Giménez and her box of acrylic paints. She thought she’d save the church the bother of forking out to restore it by doing the job herself. However, things got a little out of hand and Christ now looks like this …

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It’s probably a truer interpretation of Christ than the usual inaccurate westernised image we see everywhere. What do you reckon, post modernist or impressionism?

I’m certain the Sanctuary of the Mercy Church will survive this one. I’m not so sure about Cecilia Giménez, though. With all the furore over this, she looks like she needs a little sanctuary, herself but there doesn’t seem to be much mercy shown by this church. Poor Cecilia, she’s now having to run the gauntlet of hate and she was only trying to help. She’s in her 80s. Leave the woman alone before she has a heart attack.

Is Richard III buried under a car park in Leicester?

Do we bloody well care? What the hell is the point of this? It’s taken over 500 years for scholars to come up with the theory that he was taken to a Friary where the Greyfriars Car Park now stands. So what if he was buried there. You going to dig the whole lot up just to prove a point? It ain’t going to bring him back to life so if you want to find out if he really did kill the princes in the tower, you’re not going to find out this way.

Leave him be. It’s bad enough trying to find a parking space in Leicester without ruining a perfectly good car park just to do a bit of grave robbing.

That’s right, Richard. You stay hidden in a car park, or some 80-year-old woman will come along and paint a hump on your back.

Meanwhile, talking of Cecilia Giménez …

Our little old dear escapes the limelight in Zaragosa by taking a trip to Norway and visiting the National Gallery, there.

Shall I scream or will you?

So … what’s the Royal Knob been up to this week?

Now from previous posts, you may have gathered I am not a huge royalist but all this fuss about Harry being photographed unclothed is pathetic.

I mean … Do we really care? And if we do, then there must be little else in our sad lives if this is of public interest.

So Harry is naked. We all are at some point of the day. Also, he was romping with some lass. Big deal.

Sleazy paper, The Sun, decided it was their duty to splash the pic on the front cover the other day. That was after posting a fake version in their previous edition.

There you go. The two side by side. Obviously a mock-up wasn’t enough so they had to come all moral obligation on us. And just to avoid any legal comeback, they explain in very big letters, that people have already seen it on the internet, anyway.

The Sun, News International and all you other Murdoch slimeballs … go and crawl under a stone.

And on the next stage of Cecilia’s road trip …

She takes a trip to The Hauge and the Mauritshuisg Gallery.

Girl with the Very Tacky Earring?

Pot Kettle Black – Iain Duncan Smith

Tory twit – Iain Duncan Smith, this week spouted more of his bullshit when he claimed the BBC were biased against the Conservative party. He says the corporation portrays the news in a gloomy way and it makes his party look bad when all they are trying to do, is make the country better.

No. The BBC don’t make the Conservatives look bad, the politicians make a good job of doing that themselves.

Iain Duncan Smith goes on to say the BBC economics editor had peed over the Tories.

Hmmm … Makes a change from the Tories peeing over the rest of the country.

Shit … Cecilia’s reached Paris now.

Oh No. Poor Mona. Leonardo will be livid.

Can’t see the App-eal, myself.

Two new apps (see … look how with it I am in terms of technology) are being launched soon.

The first will tell your sat-nav, when exactly traffic lights are about to change so you can adjust your speed accordingly. The selling point is, you will never be held up by traffic lights again.

WTF? Yes you will. Whatever speed you go, you’re still not going to get across those lights any quicker, so what’s the point? Also, if you reduce to 5mph and drive like Miss Daisy, I give it two minutes before some plonker doesn’t realise you’re going that slow and rams into the back of you. Ridiculous.

The second device is a text speak translator. Now some might think this a GR8 but I don’t. Instead of a device to get you to understand what it is teenagers are talking about, how about one that lets you understand teenagers – in general.

OMG! OMG! Cecilia’s in New York.

Surely she wouldn’t … Not Starry Night?

Noooooooo! She’s given it cloud cover.

Cecelia. Go back to Zaragosa. All is forgiven. They want you to have another go at Jesus.




So, here’s what’s been happening, then.

Last week we had holiday tales. The week before, a filler roast as I was actually on the holiday and before that, a right royal rant. It’s therefore been ages since I had a good old swipe at the news and even longer since I mentioned the film Titanic and the fact they could both fit on the plank.

Yep, that’s the one, but no more, even if it is still what most of you are googling for. I’m not going to mention anybody off the Jeremy Kyle Show who has bad teeth, either.

No you don’t but before I go on, I would like to make one comment about the Jubilee from a few weeks back.

Apparently, on the official day of the Jubilee, there was a 60-gun salute fired from Horse Guard Parade.

Sixty guns … Sixty! And not one of the buggers hit.

Football’s crossed a fine line, it seems.

Ever since England were denied a perfectly good over-the-line goal at the last World Cup, the FA have been advocating the introduction of goal-line technology in matches. However, FIFA major prat – Sepp Blatter, has kept rejecting this idea until now. That would be when a bad decision appeared to benefit England during their Euro 2012 game against host nation, Ukraine.

So what’s all the fuss about? Yes, it crossed the line, but you have to account for human error. I mean, an assistant referee standing a couple of feet away. Surely he’s not expected to notice this?

It’s the same as in the build-up. The debate should never have reached the goal-line as the original ball was offside.

The man running the line didn’t notice that, either.

Not only that, there were other, more blatant incidents in the game that went unnoticed too.

Okay. My initial first reaction said that it was over the line but the UEFA and FIFA chiefs have said no to change until now. Therefore, goal-line technology, or some blind bat who should have gone to Specsavers? Should we, in England say, I told you so?

Perhaps 8 out of 10 celebrities are already doing it?

So, comedian Jimmy Carr got caught out shifting his cash in a tax avoidance scheme. Most would, if they knew they could get away with it. Bono has done it for ages while preaching to the masses how we should use our money to care for the poor nations. Anyway, why lambast some hapless mug like Carr? I mean, there are worse criminals out there every day robbing innocent folk and storing their ill-gotten gains in a display of greed in a manner that is unparallelled. What do we call them again? Oh what is it: Looters, thieves, crooks, robbers? Oh no – now I remember. Bankers.

A punishment worse than death.

Democracy campaigner, Aung San Suu Kyi has told how listening to DJ Dave Lee Travis on the BBC World Service during her imprisonment, kept her spirits high. Is she mad? Kept in prison is one thing, but forced to listen to Dave Lee Travis … that’s torture.

Poor old Cheryl.

Aww … Cheryl Cole says her latest song is about a bully junkie she once dated who left her humiliated and depressed. People forget that Cole, herself, was once a violent thug who beat up toilet attendants.

Hmmm … Maybe not such a saint. Glass houses and all that?

In the air tonight?

Apparently, rock legend Phil Collins has ruled out a comeback. The 61-year-old, quit music some time ago after 40 years of bashing the drums left him with nerve damage and hearing problems.

He thinks he had it bad. How about the millions listening to the radio being forced-fed Phil Collins songs; what about our ears?

Talking of music to insult the eardrums …

Generic boy-band, One Direction apparently went fishing off the coast of California and caught a shark. Pity. Can’t a shark go and catch hold of One Direction?

Boys. You do realise you look ridiculous in those outfits?

One Direction. Proof you can promote bilge and get away with it.

Holding a torch?

Okay, do I abandon my principles and watch the Olympic Torch go through the town next Saturday? One – I’m not remotely interested in the Olympics. Two – I’m very anti Olympics as many good charitable projects lost their funding and had to fold due to money being diverted to this white elephant. However, it is said to be a once in a lifetime experience, so should I go?

Answers please …

I rest my case.

So wise woman of the west, Katie Price was quoted this week as agreeing with serial nob, Iain Duncan Smith. Katie says, “We need more IDS style common sense to lift Britain out of the benefits abyss.”

Well Katie, the thing is, not everybody can make a living by simply getting their tits out, selling their lurid stories and then finally getting somebody else to write books that you then pass off as your own.

However, Katie says Iain Duncan Smith is right so who are we to argue. This would be the same Iain Duncan Smith who the day after huge crippling cuts were heaped upon the nation, told us that there were plenty of jobs to go for and we should all get on a bus to find work. Yes, Iain, that would be the plenty of jobs available after your party slashed budgets meaning that up to half a million loyal public sector workers lost their jobs with most facing years of poverty. Still, you must know what you’re talking about, sitting in a mansion with your estimated £1million fortune.

It is also the same Iain Duncan Smith who likes to have a go at the disabled, saying they don’t really do much work, just make cups of coffee and talk.

Iain Duncan Smith and common sense. The two are incompatible. The same as Katie Price and talent.

Katie Price. Her intellectuality and finger on the pulse of the nation is evident for all to see.

Thank God the Jubilee is over.

I did feel a slight bit of sympathy for the Duke of Hazard, Prince Phillip, though. He had to miss a lot of it as he was taken to hospital with a bladder infection. That’s what comes of spending a lifetime taking the piss.



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