Archive for March, 2012


My only previous experience of a one person show was not a good one. However, when I heard of ‘Holmes Alone’ at the Bookmark Bloxwich Theatre, I thought I’d give solo performers a second chance. You see, a Sherlock Holmes production from the enticingly named ‘Don’t go into the Cellar,’ theatre company? With my love of the dark, I simply couldn’t resist.

Set around the brink of the Great War and with Holmes seemingly enjoying life on the South Coast, ‘Holmes Alone’ sees our sleuth come out of retirement when best friend, Dr Watson is kidnapped. With Watson held to ransom, Holmes must deliver the famed Mazarin Stone to those evil foreign powers, intent on wreaking unspeakable destruction on us all.

Don’t go into the Cellar, produce original Victorian ghost, horror and in this case, mystery drama with actor, Jonathan Goodwin, excellent in all the roles he undertook last Saturday night.

It must take great versatility to perform so many different parts in the space of one hour and Goodwin more than achieved this. In fact, whether it be the eccentric Mr Armstrong, Count Negretto Sylvius or the great detective himself, our solitary thespian replaced each character with the next, morphing seamlessly from one to another with the audience barely noticing we were watching the same man on stage.

Monsters, mutant jellyfish and magnificent sword fights fights on an airship were to be seen. Not visually perhaps, but easily implanted into the mind by the talented Goodwin.

The hour flew by as swiftly as the airship I knew Holmes to be on. Curious, I wondered what could be in store when after a short interval, we were treated to a question and answer session following the main performance. Goodwin’s knowledge of the works of Conan Doyle deserves admiration too as he recollected events from stories in response to any question fired at him.

I think I’d go as far to say that on Saturday last, I wasn’t just watching a drama being performed on stage, I actually came out thinking I’d been in an audience with Sherlock Holmes, himself.

Don’t go into the Cellar, return to the very pleasant, Bookmark Bloxwich Theatre in October with ‘Jekyll the Ripper.’ I recommend you take a look. I certainly will.

There be devilment in my vehicle.

I’ve spent this week getting to know the controls and functions of my new car. On collecting it from the showroom, the sales-person explained much but also upset me when she mentioned, ‘Oh, and you do realise you have bluetooth?’

I looked at her, puzzled. ‘No I don’t,’ I said, ‘I’ll have you know, I floss every day.’

She laughed. ‘No, your car comes with bluetooth technology. It’s like a wireless service that you can route devices through and incorporate them into the systems in your car.’

And she’s only blooming well right. I had a play this week and not only can a press of a button bring up my phone contacts onto the car dashboard, if I switch functions, it will pick up what’s on my MP3 player and start playing my favourite music too.

Now don’t ask me how the hell it works. I’m erring on the side of witchcraft at the minute though bearing in mind the accusations on that front aimed at Gothic Girl from the chip shop, I’d welcome a technological explanation any day.

In it together … Are we?

This week, George Osborne delivered his financial budget to the people who voted this lot of “in it for themselves,” service wreckers, into power. Not content with pushing for health reforms that nobody wants, the government have now clobbered just about every soft target they could with this budget.

Pensioners, middle class families – all shafted, but the government’s millionaire chums? They have their 50p rate of tax, cut. Osborne said the previous tax gained from this, never made much difference. Well, not much is better than nothing and he does seem to be helping the ‘well-off’ again. Now, let’s think back to George’s speech of a year or so ago. “All in it together?” Really?

Over in compost corner …

Angiebabe has some seeds and pots so she can grow these little plants. To complete the assignment, I went and got her a bag of compost. However, on purchasing it I did a double-take. You see, I was rather confused by the label.

There we go. Multi-purpose compost, with added, John Innes.

Okay, who is John Innes and what has he done to deserve being made into compost? I remember as a kid, there was a Tom Baker, Doctor Who story where the villain put his enemies into the waste to get rid of them. It also helped his plants grow.

Is this the way ahead, putting unwanted elements into garden produce? It could save the government millions each year if it was. Just think: Murderers, rapists, thieves, bankers, even guests on the Jeremy Kyle show – all of them could be disposed of this way. We would be rid of them and not only that, our radishes might have a bumper crop this year.

Like mother, like daughter.

Awful mother and daughter duo, Kim Ohoro and Katie Scott, were both given anti social behaviour orders recently for terrorising their neighbourhood. It’s nice when family traditions continue.

There they are, sharing the same delightful unwashed looks, matching greasy hair and miserable expressions with added facial studs, or is it just acne?

Bad medicine.

Had to take a little trip to the doctor the other day and came out feeling worse than when I went in. Not the usual reason – catching everybody else’s germs. I left in serious trauma after an hour in the waiting room being forced and having to listen to Heart Radio.

It’s not size that matters.

40-year-old carer, Reighner Deleighnie was in the news this week after opening up about her relationship with a 3ft statue of Adonis. Reighner has given up on real men and craves the marble touch of the statue she has renamed, Hans.

There could be something to be said for it. You see, Hans is never going to argue or answer her back. One major pitfall though; Hans isn’t the most well endowed and she can cover his manhood with her little finger. She’ll have to watch and be careful with the duster too. I’d hate for her to get careless, knock him crashing to the floor and have the relationship end in pieces.

Flying the flag.

Nice looking kit designed by Stella McCartney for the Olympics, but did Stella have to turn up to the photo shoot, still wearing her pajamas?

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

Make the most of your android phones, the fancy game consoles and high performance cars. Come December 21 this year, they will be as useless as Nick Clegg in a loyalty contest. You see, December 21 is the date the world is supposed to end. The main reason for this belief is that it is also the date that the Mayan calender finishes.

Created thousands of years ago, it apparently does stop on this date. So we are doomed, or could it be the Mayans simply ran out of paper?

Have a nice week.

I’m going to make use of my bluetooth apparatus in my car, before the world explodes.

Cheers.

Nick

A good place to tout for business.

If you’ve been a follower of my blogs and twitter feeds before, you may have noticed my liking for having a go at the local (Walsall) council and also in the past, Sandwell, where I used to work. It’s not all negative, I’ll have you know. I’m quite open to dish out praise; just let them do something worthy of it.

Anyway, I bring this up because I had a war of words with a council department on Twitter this week over the regeneration of Walsall Town Centre, which is in fact, dead on its feet. As a result of this argument, I browsed through Walsall Town Centre department’s Twit pic’s (I know … apt or what?) and saw one they are using to promote the town.

So. You decide. What exactly are they trying to attract – prostitution? I think the idea is to display their layout for planned improvement. However, all it seems to be is showing people where there’s a damn good place to pick up hookers.

Those who really matter?

I followed a link this week and found myself, unfortunately, directed to the website of The Tatler magazine and in particular, its famous list.

Apart from the obvious question – namely, ‘Why am I not on there?’ I have to take issue with its subheading: “The People who really matter.”

Really??? I suppose I can’t speak for everybody, but this lot certainly don’t matter to me.

Out of the top 50, I’ve only heard of 18 and six of them are members of the Royal family. It says a lot that the most important person this week is a horse – the one that won the Gold Cup.

There he is and surprisingly, we haven’t had a horse at number one since Camilla. Still, nothing like the UK for placing importance where it’s due. Poor old Prime Minister, David Cameron, comes in at a lowly number 36, underneath his own wife (… I’m not saying it). He is also beaten by Jilly Cooper, Tinie Tempah and comedienne, Sue Perkins.

Sue Perkins??? Tatler describes her as very funny and often seen on ‘Just a minute.’ Just a minute? I think the only thing I’ve ever seen her on are celebrity versions of reality TV shows, therefore making her yet another of those folk who are only celebrities because they get their faces onto such celebrity shows.

The 32 I’ve never heard of include adventurers, fashion groupies, billionaires and their wives, Prince William’s private secretary and a Vogue blogger.

Blogger? There’s hope for me yet then.

A surprise inclusion at 5, is Arthur Wellesley. Name seem familiar? Yes, he shares the same moniker as his ancestor, the Duke of Wellington who thrashed Napoleon at Waterloo. Can’t see what this one’s done to eclipse the more famous Arthur, but Tatler says the current is married to a make-up artist. Standards dropping, I see.

I save the best till last. Standing at a very respectable 15 is Bella Somerset, daughter of Bunty and Tracey Worcester (Come on … you must know them). Bella is described as beautiful, studying at Newcastle University and famous for using obscene language on Facebook, calling everybody a slut. Now if calling people sluts on Facebook is worthy of being on the list, you’re going to have to include everybody in tracksuit and baseball cap who watch Jeremy Kyle.

I did a Google search to find a picture of Bella, but the only one I could see was the one printed in The Tatler. So … important indeed. Oh well, it’s good to know The Tatler have their fingers on the pulse, keeping us informed of the goings on in the lives of really important matters. Are we sure the magazine is not simply The Sun under another name?

Still aggrieved I’m not in it though. Mind you, it does only go up to 500.

There. Happy now.

It’s a hard life at times.

Poor old pop queen, Madonna has been giving interviews recently about the stresses and hardships of being a working parent. I know, it’s bloomin’ difficult. I bet she has such a choice deciding which of the paid staff is going to feed the kids each day.

Nob of the week.

Apprentice supremo, Alan Sugar – the man who proves having millions doesn’t make one happy, carefree and life and soul of the party, was at it again this week with his pompous twaddle.

Apparently, us parents are to blame for the benefit culture. Funny, I thought it was because there weren’t any jobs. He says kids should go to work at 13 and that if they want a PS3, parents should tell them to go to the supermarket, get a job and stack shelves until they have enough money to buy one.

Not a bad idea, Alan – making the kids earn their money. However, you forget one thing. It’s difficult enough to get a job in a supermarket at 30-years of age, let alone 13.

Don’t take it out on today’s kids, Alan, just because your mum and dad never bought you a Johnny Seven One Man Army Gun.

And in this week’s fish and chip paper …

Ha! Thought I was going to have a go at Gothic Girl at the chip shop again, didn’t you? No, I have left Tuesday/Wednesday Adams alone this week, so she’s happy.

Instead, I had a Full English Breakfast the other day. Not even the thought of a visit to the chip shop – what could be nicer?

I did get a bit of stick off Angiebabe over the amount of breakfast items on my plate though. However, when I counted, I had nine pieces to her eight, so we were really close. Not only that, the self-styled ketchup queen had so many sachets of sauce to put on hers, they almost counted as an item themselves.

Still, we settled down to a lovely, relaxing, delicious breakfast. Unfortunately, we chose to sit at a table next to two women who I never want to nibble a mushroom near again. Talk about being force-fed a horrible conversation.

First of all, as I tucked into my bacon, was the tale of the poor cat. Tiddles, it seems, had to be castrated and there was blood all over the floor when it didn’t heal properly. This made Angiebabe really appreciate her sausage, complete with one whole sachet of ketchup. Next we had the tale of getting yellowy pus out of the dog’s ear. I don’t think I’ll have a fried egg again for years now. Finally, the conversation turned to dead skin and foot infections.

Bluurrrggghhh! Perhaps that coffee bar should come with a warning.

So, after a … different sort breakfast of beans on toes, do you reckon I should play safe and give Gothic Girl another chance? At least she only poisoned me.

Have a nice day.

Hope you all have a lovely Sunday, particularly any place where it’s Mother’s Day. I’m off to take a present to mine just now, then I’m off to plan more subversion against my local council.

Cheers.

 

Nick

When Blur were honoured as lifetime achievers for their twenty-one years in pop at the recent Brit Awards, I had to suppress ironic amusement. I blogged at the time, asking how seven studio albums constituted greatness with notably, no releases since 2003.

In contrast, the Stranglers are now on their third studio outing since that date with latest offering, Giants, number seventeen in a long list of classic albums.

Nearing 40 years in the industry, the Stranglers have toured, played live in every one of those years to my knowledge. I saw my twelfth concert by the band at the O2 Academy in Birmingham on Saturday and like the previous eleven, no two Stranglers concerts are the same.

It would be easy, simply to roll out the standard, well-known hits but the Stranglers have never been ones for taking that route. Grip, Five Minutes and Always the Sun – all absent and did I miss them? Not one bit. Instead I got four new tracks off Giants and my first ever live experience of Sometimes, Rise of the Robots and Shut up.

From the moment the lights dim and you hear the opening chords of Waltz in Black, the hairs on the back of the neck stand on end because you know the the band are coming on. Two minutes later, the place erupts in a blazing inferno as the guys launch into Burning Up Time. The previously mentioned, Sometimes is next, followed by hit after hit; songs maybe not fashionable with the mainstream music press but to a Stranglers fan, each would top their charts.

Highlights for me were belting renditions of Relentless and The Raven, the latter of which was accompanied by a stuffed replica thrown onto the stage. The bird was promptly removed by a stagehand though not before the poor creature lost half its limbs when it fell apart. Also, strangely flung on, were what appeared to be items of underwear and a female roadie who went to retrieve a pair, took one look, grimaced and kicked them back in the audience. Obviously worn. Strange folk, these Stranglers fans at times.

The band are all in fine form, displaying that they still enjoy what they do. Jean Jacques Burnel and Baz Warne share the vocals equally and I forget the time when there was ever any other line up. Always a magic moment, No More Heroes rings out and I worry that the day will come when my heroes will become no more. Dave Greenfield, whose keyboards have hypnotised me for thirty five years is in his sixties as is Burnel. The fantastic Jet Black is seventy three, for crying out loud and as I type this, I read with horror that he has been rushed to hospital and had to miss the Oxford gig last night. Get well soon fella, you are, as always, awesome.

So what constitutes a lifetime’s achievement in music? If the Brit Awards are anything to go by, little over 100 tracks on seven albums during a twelve-year period. The Stranglers, never had, or likely will, receive the credit they deserve though with seventeen studio albums and a similar amount of live ones to listen to, I could play them non-stop for days. They may never be acknowledged in a way that their lifetimes achievements are recognised by the masses, but they have given more joy to last this particular fan – a lifetime. And that’s some achievement.

Nick

No clairvoyants at this door, thank you

I’ve spoken at length about my falling out with Myspace and the various reasons my roasts, er … lapsed. One I used towards the end of my days on the site was that since I finished work to be a full-time carer, I wasn’t getting out enough to witness life’s stupid occurrences. Okay, it was a poor excuse but it’s mine and I’m sticking to it.

However, I needn’t have worried. You see now, the weird and the wonderful come to me instead. Despite having a sign above my door saying, “No canvassers, callers or junk mail,” I had a little white card left the other day by Mr Sillah.

Mr Sillah, as you can see, is the answer to all problems. Great. Can he find a cure for David’s autism?

Mr Sillah also claims to be able to help anybody overcome shyness and make people attractive to members of the opposite sex.

Go on then – Have a try with this one.

It’s frightening that some people may be taken in by this on the basis of a slip of paper which bears no credentials for what it claims. However, if you are the sort of person to be taken in by Mr Sillah, drop me an email as I have a very large palace just off Constitution Hill in London that I want to sell for a ridiculous knock-down price.

Come off it, Mr Sillah. If you really were that good a clairvoyant, you’d have known I wasn’t interested before you put your card through my door.

Meanwhile, back at the chip shop

I don’t believe it. Gothic Girl – is trying to poison me.

You may recall the ongoing saga of a chip shop I really like and its downside, namely the bride of Frankenstein who serves behind the counter.

I have the feeling I may have been rumbled for writing about her because not only was Gothic Girl indifferent to me the other day, my Cod tasted … funny. Chips – fine. Well they’d have to be as they cook them in a job-lot but fish …? They do that on request as yes, the bloody shop never have any ready and this week, my particular fish didn’t have so much of a cod taste, more like … hair perm solution.

Oh my God, that’s it, she’s found out hasn’t she. She’s read my Sunday Roast in-between practicing necrophilia and has now laced my battered cod with hair chemicals.

Okay, I survived, but my intestines are a little more curly than they used to be.

Virgin on the ridiculous

You want to know what advert really irritates me at the minute? That stupid one with Usain Bolt advertising Virgin Media.

“Hi, I’m Richard Branson,’ he says, before rolling off the delights of the extra fast broadband. Yes, it would be great if Virgin didn’t have a fault every week, resulting in me losing my connection.

But back to that stupid ad. How the hell is an athlete in a fake beard supposed to entice people to sign up for broadband? I’m with Virgin and am more likely to ditch them after being force-fed this tripe.

Listen – You are not Richard Branson, you are Usain Bolt with a stupid grey beard.

Nob of the week

While I have every sympathy with Bee Gee, Robin Gibb for his recent fight against cancer, trying to blame his health problems on bad karma and payback for all the success he’s had, is a bit insensitive.

So you reckon you get famous, earn multi-millions and as a result, think life levels out for what you’ve gained? Okay, how about those who live a good, honest life, help others and are still blighted by the disease; what the heck are they receiving retribution for, you pillock?

Robin, I wish you well with recovery and hope you continue stayin’ alive, but try to be a bit less of a prat.

Meanwhile, back in Wolverhampton

A few roasts back, I told the sorry tale of Wolverhampton Wanderers and their current footballing troubles after losing 1-5 to bitter rivals, West Bromwich Albion. Subsequently, they sacked their manager and replaced him with his deputy, hoping for an improvement.

Well, after last week’s 0-5 drubbing at the hands of Fulham, supporters are now turning on chief executive Jez Moxey for creating the mess in the first place. A protest took place before their latest defeat yesterday where fans displayed banners calling for the resignation of Mr Moxey.

Protest not going too well then?

All in the name of research

Apparently, Texas State University have been conducting research into the sinking of the Titanic. Yes, in an age of global warming and carbon footprints, scientists are busy working out how a ship sank 100 years ago.

The results of their findings are that the Titanic disaster may have occurred due to the moon at the time, being closest to the earth than it had been for over 1,400 years, causing tides to rise and dislodge the ice.

So it’s the moon’s fault then? Funny, I thought it was because someone couldn’t spot a hundred-foot high iceberg in clear weather.

And another complete waste of research time …

If you thought working out the sinking of the Titanic was useless enough, listen to what Lehigh University, Pennsylvania have been spending their research grants on.

Apparently, building Star Wars’ Death Star, would have cost its makers £541,870 trillion and taken 833,000 years to complete.

Wow! I’m so glad I learned that nugget of information. Can you find out next, how many trees I need to chop down in order to re-build Noah’s Ark?

Terms and conditions may apply …

Birmingham’s twenty-year-old, National Indoor Arena (NIA), is undergoing a revamp.

I have to admit, it looks pretty good but the downside is, as with most things, it is now part of a sponsorship deal – this one with Barclaycard. Therefore, the NIA is now to be renamed, ‘NIA – A Barclaycard Unwind Experience.’

Hope the entertainment remains the same and you don’t have to pay 29.9% APR on any ticket you buy? Still, if I’m due to watch ‘Riverdance’ at the Hippodrome (Yeah … as if), maybe they’ll offer me a balance transfer of discounted tickets for the NIA if I see a concert I’d prefer to see instead?

Right. It’s a wrap

Thanks for stopping by once more, I’m off to see if there are any more conmen banging on my door. Hark! I can hear it now … Let’s look out the window.

Jehovah Witnesses. I think I’ll go and give ’em a flash.

Cheers.

 

Nick

A busy old week

I cannot believe how much work on the book I’ve achieved this week. The target is to finish the first draft by the end of the month, then let it stew until it’s time to edit with fresh eyes. Once done, I will have two novels, both totally unwanted by agents or publishers.

Angiebabe stayed at my house for over a week but went home on Thursday. She said, “At least you’ll be able to get more writing done.”

That’s not exactly true. While she has been here with me, I’ve done 10,000 words. She’s golden. Doesn’t interrupt me when I’m writing which is a great incentive to do more. You see … it’s the only way to shut her up.

Ouch! How did that pair of shoes hit me from fifteen miles away?

Chip Shop update …

Okay, I’m still confined to a promise not to have a go at Gothic Girl, but I am worried as she looked very … well, orange if I’m to be honest, judging by her appearance while serving me this week’s fish and chip meal.

I think she overdid it with the skin toner. Either that or she’d had a bath in the batter mix.

A great guy, who definitely left his mark.

I always say that when people depart this world, as long as somebody remembers them and all the wonderful things they’ve said, then they are never really dead.

I came across Bob on Myspace a few years back. He was from the States and always commented on my posts, including my ‘Living with David’s,’ where he’d say, “You done good, Son.” I’d subscribed to his writing as soon as I’d found this fascinating and entertaining character. He was blunt, to the point and didn’t suffer fools gladly, but he had one heck of a heart with a tale to tell. When I was going through a real bad patch, Bob wrote, “Nick, I got to be honest, if we were sharing a drink and you started going on like this, I’d get up and leave.” He had a point, and after a cyber-kick in the butt from Bob, I snapped out of my depression.

After desolation hit Myspace and everybody gave up on the site, I lost touch with Bob and only found out the other week he’d passed away. I visited his old Myspace site and fortunately, have been able to read some of his wonderful blogs again, one of which, I have no hesitation in reproducing here.

I MIGHT START GOING TO CHURCH AGAIN – by Bob
I mainly don’t go to church because it is the same damn thing every Sunday. You sit there, sing a few songs, and get your ass chewed out about all the sinning you are doing. While I’m pretty much against over-sinning, I believe a moderate amount of it is good for a body and makes life slide along smooth and easy.
But I drove by a church over there on Barton Chapel Road a couple of hours ago that might appeal to me; they had them a fairly decent free-for-all going on right there in the parking lot. Thirty or forty men and women, whamming the dog crap out of each other, chasing one another around cars and breaking the Golden Rule all to hell.
I’m thinking I may go see the preacher over there. If he can promise me a riot with each sermon I have to sit through, I’ll sign up.
PEACE ON YOU ALL.

When I visited his Myspace site, I discovered that he, like me, had abandoned it long ago. His last status update said, “Ain’t been here in a while. Like going back to a favorite whorehouse and finding a tofu store where it used to be.”

That was … simply – Bob. You done good, Fella!

And another sad loss …

Farewell Davey Jones, singer with the Monkees and the reason David Bowie is called – Bowie. Some nice tributes but nil points to the one I saw on the late night, ‘Sky News look at the next day’s papers.’ They showed a clip of ‘I’m a believer.’ One Monkees song that Jones ‘didn’t’ sing lead vocals on. Shame on you Sky, couldn’t you even try to get it right?

Nob of the week.

John Demmerling, head of Woodlands Primary School in Telford, took a week off work in school term-time to go on holiday with his children. This is despite his own school policy being that if a parent takes their kids out of school, they get hit with a £100 fine.

Now there are always two sides to any story and it transpires, Mr Demmerling worked many extra hours over the Christmas holiday period as the school was in the middle of moving to a new premises. It had been agreed with the school’s governors, that anybody doing the extra work, would have to be allowed time off within the new term, in lieu of hours already done.

Not a problem, if it was kept low key but it’s a huge own goal, don’t you think, to take your own kids out of their education and apply double standards while still trying to enforce your own. Yes, have a week off, but stay at home and save your skiing holiday for when everybody else is off and not going to complain.

Dunce of the week, Mr Demmerling? Go and stand in the corner.

I’m feeling short-changed.

I had a serious lack of judgement and taste yesterday when I purchased a copy of the Sun newspaper. Yes, the rag I’ve lambasted for the past couple of weeks, somehow found it’s way into my shopping bag. All well and good, I suppose, but when I got home, I found half of it was missing. Pages 25-48, appear to have been lifted by somebody else prior to my purchase which makes me beg the question, why?

Insert expression of shocked and stunned – here.

Okay, I’m not too worried as the Sun is hardly at the heart of journalistic excellence and without those missing pages to read, I’ll simply have to get on and write some more of my novel. It does slightly bother me that I paid 50p for half a paper though. I mean, how can I sleep tonight without knowing who Katie Price is shagging or if some reality TV nobody is facing a big fat gypsy tax bill?

Oh my, I’d best shut up. Otherwise I’ll have the sarcasm police after me.

Cheers.

Nick