So, here’s what’s been happening, then.

Last week we had holiday tales. The week before, a filler roast as I was actually on the holiday and before that, a right royal rant. It’s therefore been ages since I had a good old swipe at the news and even longer since I mentioned the film Titanic and the fact they could both fit on the plank.

Yep, that’s the one, but no more, even if it is still what most of you are googling for. I’m not going to mention anybody off the Jeremy Kyle Show who has bad teeth, either.

No you don’t but before I go on, I would like to make one comment about the Jubilee from a few weeks back.

Apparently, on the official day of the Jubilee, there was a 60-gun salute fired from Horse Guard Parade.

Sixty guns … Sixty! And not one of the buggers hit.

Football’s crossed a fine line, it seems.

Ever since England were denied a perfectly good over-the-line goal at the last World Cup, the FA have been advocating the introduction of goal-line technology in matches. However, FIFA major prat – Sepp Blatter, has kept rejecting this idea until now. That would be when a bad decision appeared to benefit England during their Euro 2012 game against host nation, Ukraine.

So what’s all the fuss about? Yes, it crossed the line, but you have to account for human error. I mean, an assistant referee standing a couple of feet away. Surely he’s not expected to notice this?

It’s the same as in the build-up. The debate should never have reached the goal-line as the original ball was offside.

The man running the line didn’t notice that, either.

Not only that, there were other, more blatant incidents in the game that went unnoticed too.

Okay. My initial first reaction said that it was over the line but the UEFA and FIFA chiefs have said no to change until now. Therefore, goal-line technology, or some blind bat who should have gone to Specsavers? Should we, in England say, I told you so?

Perhaps 8 out of 10 celebrities are already doing it?

So, comedian Jimmy Carr got caught out shifting his cash in a tax avoidance scheme. Most would, if they knew they could get away with it. Bono has done it for ages while preaching to the masses how we should use our money to care for the poor nations. Anyway, why lambast some hapless mug like Carr? I mean, there are worse criminals out there every day robbing innocent folk and storing their ill-gotten gains in a display of greed in a manner that is unparallelled. What do we call them again? Oh what is it: Looters, thieves, crooks, robbers? Oh no – now I remember. Bankers.

A punishment worse than death.

Democracy campaigner, Aung San Suu Kyi has told how listening to DJ Dave Lee Travis on the BBC World Service during her imprisonment, kept her spirits high. Is she mad? Kept in prison is one thing, but forced to listen to Dave Lee Travis … that’s torture.

Poor old Cheryl.

Aww … Cheryl Cole says her latest song is about a bully junkie she once dated who left her humiliated and depressed. People forget that Cole, herself, was once a violent thug who beat up toilet attendants.

Hmmm … Maybe not such a saint. Glass houses and all that?

In the air tonight?

Apparently, rock legend Phil Collins has ruled out a comeback. The 61-year-old, quit music some time ago after 40 years of bashing the drums left him with nerve damage and hearing problems.

He thinks he had it bad. How about the millions listening to the radio being forced-fed Phil Collins songs; what about our ears?

Talking of music to insult the eardrums …

Generic boy-band, One Direction apparently went fishing off the coast of California and caught a shark. Pity. Can’t a shark go and catch hold of One Direction?

Boys. You do realise you look ridiculous in those outfits?

One Direction. Proof you can promote bilge and get away with it.

Holding a torch?

Okay, do I abandon my principles and watch the Olympic Torch go through the town next Saturday? One – I’m not remotely interested in the Olympics. Two – I’m very anti Olympics as many good charitable projects lost their funding and had to fold due to money being diverted to this white elephant. However, it is said to be a once in a lifetime experience, so should I go?

Answers please …

I rest my case.

So wise woman of the west, Katie Price was quoted this week as agreeing with serial nob, Iain Duncan Smith. Katie says, “We need more IDS style common sense to lift Britain out of the benefits abyss.”

Well Katie, the thing is, not everybody can make a living by simply getting their tits out, selling their lurid stories and then finally getting somebody else to write books that you then pass off as your own.

However, Katie says Iain Duncan Smith is right so who are we to argue. This would be the same Iain Duncan Smith who the day after huge crippling cuts were heaped upon the nation, told us that there were plenty of jobs to go for and we should all get on a bus to find work. Yes, Iain, that would be the plenty of jobs available after your party slashed budgets meaning that up to half a million loyal public sector workers lost their jobs with most facing years of poverty. Still, you must know what you’re talking about, sitting in a mansion with your estimated £1million fortune.

It is also the same Iain Duncan Smith who likes to have a go at the disabled, saying they don’t really do much work, just make cups of coffee and talk.

Iain Duncan Smith and common sense. The two are incompatible. The same as Katie Price and talent.

Katie Price. Her intellectuality and finger on the pulse of the nation is evident for all to see.

Thank God the Jubilee is over.

I did feel a slight bit of sympathy for the Duke of Hazard, Prince Phillip, though. He had to miss a lot of it as he was taken to hospital with a bladder infection. That’s what comes of spending a lifetime taking the piss.

Cheers.

Nick

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