Okay, let’s catch up a little with what’s been happening in the world.

These past few weeks, I’ve been going on about my own personal calamities so much I’ve neglected what’s currently happening in the news.

Apparently the other day, several billion people woke with the same horrific image in their heads.

Thankfully, Barack Obama won another term and the vision of Mitt Romney in the Whitehouse, was just a mass neurotic nightmare.

And talking of hysteria.

As I said last week, I’m pretty convinced as to some of the allegations concerning Jimmy Savile. However, each day in the paper, some new accusation is leveled against him. If you were to believe papers like The Sun and Daily Star, Jimmy Savile sexually abused every boy and girl under the age of sixteen in the UK for a thirty-year period. Yes, there is hard evidence but let the authorities sort it out – belatedly. All it seems now is these sleazy papers are digging for any sordid story they can with little fact behind them. It’s a pity they didn’t show such journalistic fervour when kids were getting abused all those years ago. The latest scummy headline can be seen here …

Savile was apparently suspected of being the Yorkshire Ripper. What next? I suppose he has Shergar buried alongside him, was also Hitler and Eva Braun’s love child and secretly lead a double life as Lord Lucan.

Come on, let’s just have the truth. Finally.

Cook a proper meal for once, Sir.

Zany TV chef, Heston Blumenthal admitted recently that he puts tampons in his mouth to cleanse his palate.

Could it simply be the case that Heston’s food tastes like body waste?

Whose having a pay-day?

When is our government going to step in and wipe out these legalised loan sharks who offer payday loans? You know the ones. 4,000%APR and up to your eyes in debt after borrowing £10 for a few days. I know each of us is responsible for managing our affairs but these crooks prey on the desperate. They will dish out cash to anybody who asks, regardless of ability to pay back.

Let’s take a look at one as I type.

Wonga …

There you have it. As I write this at 1431 on Saturday, I could have £400 in my bank within 20 minutes. However, one month from now I would be expected to pay the lot back and more with Wonga making £125.48 in 30 days for very little effort.

People – don’t do it. What happens if you cannot repay in time? Late fees, interest … You could end up owing thousands. Did you really need the money that much? Don’t put yourself into debt while making these greedy sharks even richer.

Wonga have now moved into the football market and are current sponsors of Newcastle United. The deal is worth £24million. Unfortunately, Newcastle have to repay £38million in thirty days time.

Only in Birmingham.

Birmingham City Council is having problems because their new £11million automated phone service does not understand Brummie (local accent for those of you who don’t know). The machines cannot recognise some words spoken in the dialect leaving thousands of callers frustrated. The irony is, the system speaks with a Newcastle Geordie accent. Huge own goal for Birmingham Council. But hang on, have you thought of it like this? Perhaps it isn’t the fact the machines cannot understand Brummie; maybe the callers cannot understand the Geordie accent and are therefore saying the wrong things in response.

Whatever happened to Tony Blair?

Saw this one tucked away in the far corner of a paper this week. Tony Blair (aka Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire) is trying to claim the Iraq economy is booming and military intervention got the country back on track.

Yes, you can hide behind that cheesy grin all you like. Iraq really looks like it’s back on track, what with its 100,000+ dead and the place blown to smithereens.

On yer bike!

My God, we know how to treat our heroes in the UK. Good old Bradley Wiggins – Tour de France winner and Olympic gold medalist. How do we repay him for bringing a bit of glory back to this beleaguered land? We go and run him over in a car.

Tattoo You.

No, I’m not talking about the Rolling Stones album of 1981 (In fact, the only Stones on vinyl I ever bought). The headline refers to HMV Music Stores and the news they have banned staff from having long hair and tattoos.

Come on, for years I thought having a tattoo was part of the job description in working for HMV. Now I’ve never been a great fan of body art. I leave that to guests on Jeremy Kyle.

Who … Me?

Yes, you. But as for those working in HMV – leave them alone. It’s what we expect when you walk in the shop. Let’s face it, it’s only rock and roll (and we like it).

Elm Disease?

A woman in Cardiff claims to have cured herself of Crohn’s disease by eating trees.

Yes, after chewing away at chippings, Marlene Barnes says she’s on the mend.

I’ve heard of alternative bullshitting medicine, but this is barking mad (sorry couldn’t resist). I feel like a sap now after that bad joke.

What does the future have in store?

So USA doesn’t have an idiot in charge of their country. I suppose the same could be said over here, even if I don’t agree with Tory policy. Still, it could be worse. What was that nightmare I had the other night, the one about our next PM?