Antony N Britt – Author

Ode to my valentine …

I felt as if a weight had been lifted off me on Thursday as this was the first Valentine’s Day since 1986 where I didn’t have to buy one. I’d like to say I didn’t receive anything, either, but the cute bear which greeted me on my doorstep will testify, otherwise.

There he is, warm now after shivering whilst being left in a freezing porch all night. It wouldn’t be too bad and I’d be mildly curious were it not for the fact my cleaning appeared to have been done while I was out and a note left with tips as to which items of clothing somebody thought I should no longer wear and perhaps donate to charity.

Okay, I may have made that last bit up and you will be wondering if Nick, here, has gone soft by speaking nicely about Valentine’s Day. You know, what with his views on Christmas (Bah Humbug!) and other moans. Perhaps, you are thinking, he’s a softy when it comes to matters of the heart?

Well you’d be wrong!

Valentine’s Day. Pah! Load of marketing nonsense by the retailers yet again to get us to part with money we haven’t got. February 14! Why the hell can’t every day be special if you are with somebody you love? I’m just thankful I’ve had a year off. Restaurants double their prices, chocolates are two for the price of three and shareholders in Ann Summer’s shops receive massive dividends.

Still, there are nice gifts to be had … all for the ladies, of course. Cuddly toys, sexy lingerie, perfume, jewellery, the list goes on. You go into an Ann Summer’s shop and what is on offer for men to slip seductively into?

Before you ask … no, I didn’t model it.

Now some men don’t even like venturing into these shops. Never bothered me in the past, although it did usually get a little awkward when you cannot switch off one or ten vibrators which are hopping around on the shelves because you started messing with them whilst bored when your girlfriend was in the changing room trying on a nice matching two-piece set. Yes … it happened.

And even if the standard range of gifts doesn’t take your fancy, you can always dice with death and buy your loved one a deep fat fryer. In fact, all sorts of kitchen implements may suffice though I’d stay away from the knife sets.

Bath stuff … yes, that too. The girls love it. But what, apart from safari themed g-strings and the obligatory bottle of Blue Stratos, is there for men to receive?

Know what I was once given, as an example of what there is out there for us guys on Valentine’s Day?

A bloody nasal hair remover!

And on the Direct Gov job site this week …

Yes, Mr Tyre Ltd, is advertising for a seven and a half ton driver. Let’s hope the suspension on his vehicle will take the strain.

Prank of the Week.

This happened on an American TV network when hackers hijacked the system and broadcast a phony news report about Zombies attacking the neighborhood.

Yes, remember that one? It was Dawn of the Dead where decaying corpses spent their days shopping for fashion accessories in the mall. And some people actually believed this was happening for real as a result of the fake broadcast and thus, called the cops.

Ridiculous, as is the prospect of brain-dead folk wandering around a shopping centre.

Having said that, I haven’t been to Westfield Merry Hill, lately.

What is Idiot Duncan Smith going on about now?

Our Welfare and Pensions Secretary was aggrieved this week when a young woman, Cait Reilly, won a landmark case which likened her working for free in Poundland, to that of being a slave. What? The audacity. Fancy her wanting money.

I agree, in principle to doing work for benefits but Poundland is a private company and they’re getting something for nothing. It wouldn’t be so bad if there was useful training and a decent job at the end of it … but Poundland!

Iain Duncan Smith says the slavery jibe was a slur and an insult to people living in oppression. Yes, that would be us under you, Iain, and the rest of your in it for themselves, Tory leeches. Insulting? What I find insulting is a millionaire politician telling people on £71 a week jobseekers allowance that they have enough to live on and they should stop moaning.

Ring any bells, Iain?

Iain Duncan Smith – The day he went to see how poor people live.

And similarly …

Bungling bank, RBS are to give their greedy fat cat chief another bonus.

Yes, there’s Stephen Hester, waiting for his tin of Whiskers Supermeat.

Last year, public pressure forced Stephen to decline his near £1million bonus through gritted teeth. Well, he’s at it again. This time it’s only a paltry £780,000.

The bankers, they really don’t understand it. Nothing more than crooks, the lot of them. Muggers and looters, only this lot hide behind spreadsheets and a suit.

So Hester reckons he deserves his bonus while lesser paid staff at the bank have their money cut to pay for the Libor fine imposed as a result of high-ups in the bank rigging the lending rate.

Nationalise the banks and let them do what they are meant to do – provide a service for the people, not make the rich, richer.

Not such a Dappy chappy, now?

Dappy, the {C}Rap singer of alleged pop group, N-Dubz, walked free from court this week despite being found guilty of a serious assault. Funnily, his two (non-famous) co-defendants were jailed for over a year each after they did the pop ponce’s bidding by beating up some people at a petrol station.

So two unknowns are sent down while the famous one is let off with a slap on the wrist. Amazing what being a star does for you in terms of getting away with things. No doubt it will be the chat shows next, filled with his ugly mug on how he is so misunderstood.

Aww … Bless.

Dappy. Calling him a music star is simply a contradiction in terms.

I was just thinking …

I mentioned it in jest earlier on, but can you even get Blue Stratos these days, or am I showing my age?

Cheers.

Nick