Antony N Britt – Author

Well … I’m back.

What do you mean, you didn’t realise I’d been away?

Ha! … For your information, this past week I was on holiday with the kids at Trecco Bay.

As some may know, it has been a horrendous year and I think we all needed this break. A bit of sunshine, fun and relaxation. I mean, it’s only me, nothing could go wrong … surely?

Is there still a war on?

Strange place, South Wales. I love the area we go to. Porthcawl is nice. Lovely beaches and you’re not far from Cardiff and some beautiful castles, elsewhere. However, you do need to use your sat-nav at times. You see, signposts are all very well to get around but South Wales seem to think there is a war on as they’ve removed the signs from where you need them most. You can go for miles and not see any directions. They are still trying to confuse the enemy invaders.

And talking of signs causing confusion …

What the hell does this one mean?

???

Apparently, motorists have to be warned against a stampede of Bernie Cliftons.

Discrimination against certain breakfast items.

I had a few nice cooked breakfasts at the Coast Bar during my stay at Trecco Bay. However, I came across blatant discrimination when I asked to swap my beans and tomatoes (yuk) for extra mushrooms.

‘We can exchange the beans,’ I was told, ‘but not the tomato.’

Okay, so what makes a bloody tomato so special, and what have the poor baked beans done to be treated in such a dismissive matter?

Bureaucracy … doesn’t it drive you mad.

Wore the kids out with a nice three mile stroll.

Okay, I admit, the kids were fine, it was me who couldn’t walk for the rest of the week.

We left our caravan park one day and hiked along the beach into Porthcawl. Like many places in the area, it’s sad to see it run down with most attractions, closed. It wasn’t the worst, by any means, however I shall come to that in a bit.

It was still a good day and I did encounter this bizarre sculpture which appealed to my deranged taste.

Okay … a dead mermaid, eyes and mouth open to the sun. There’s a story in that, somewhere.

On the way back, I got hungry and was tempted by the smell of chips. Not just any old chips, either. These were real chips.

So … can anybody tell me where exactly there is a shop which sells fake chips?

Shit places to visit (Chapter Two).

Chapter One, though I didn’t title it as such at the time, was Porthmadog, which I spoke about in my roast of May 5. Then, I thought that was the most boring place to visit but boy … was I mistaken.

I spent the last day of my holiday, losing loads of money in the greedy slots at Caesar’s Palace.

Ahh … I see your confusion. No, I didn’t mean Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas, I’m talking about Caesar’s Palace … Barry Island, South Wales.

I went to Barry Island hoping to take the kids to the funfair. It was shut, as was everywhere apart from a few amusement arcades. In fact, the only fair attraction I saw which was open was this Hook-a-Duck.

There it is, and the woman operating it appeared to be asleep.

So, I had to watch as male kid spent all my hard earned money, shoving two pence coins into a machine in the vain hope he would get a tacky key ring which cost about 1p to make.

It’s the playing that counts … isn’t it?

Barry Island … I don’t think I’d bother if I were you. However, if you do insist on visiting, these men might have finished the building work by the time the main summer rush begins in a couple of weeks.

I should have known. Surely, after driving onto the main car park for the town, this should have given me a clue as to what I could expect.

Hmm … Not pushed to find a space, was I? Maybe I shouldn’t have paid for four hours.

Still, it was a good holiday …

… and I took some nice snaps. However, I’m not going to post them here. Instead, I will leave you with the image of this glove I found in Caerphilly.

More will be revealed as to the reason for this lost glove during the weeks ahead.

So I’m back home, and need to catch up with what’s been happening in the world so I can write about it in next week’s roast. I have to admit, I’ve struggled of late to find stupid stuff to poke fun at. I need something ridiculous. Like … I don’t know, some idiot deciding to hand our already over privileged monarch a whopping £1.79million pay rise in times of cuts and hardship for others.

Nah … nobody would be that much of a cretin.

Cheers.

Nick