Antony N Britt – Author

The end of the world is nigh.

Well it is if you follow the Mayan calendar. Apparently, next Friday, the world will come to an end because this is the date the Mayans foretold it would. I wouldn’t worry too much, they didn’t stop their own downfall coming so why should they have got this right. If they were that clever all those thousands of years ago, they’d have been working on space flight to get out the place pretty damn quick.

As I have said before, there is a possible explanation why their calendar ends 21 December 2012. Maybe they simply ran out of paper.

And if the world is going to end …

Is there any point in me going to see The Hobbit if I’ll never get a chance to see the other two films?

Yes, I still can’t get over that one. The Hobbit is being made into three films. I loved Lord of the Rings. I’d waited years for such a fantastic version to be made and I could quite accept it being in three parts. But The Hobbit? Talk about milking an audience. I thought splitting Harry Potter into two was needless but Hobbit is only a couple of hundred pages long.

Am I being a grump when my first reaction to three films over three years was, ‘Oh Christ, do we have to do this again?’

So if I’m not going to watch The Hobbit due to the world ending, I’ll throw a pop concert instead.

And first on the bill will have to be Morrissey, mainly because he’s so blooming dull and pointless, it won’t matter that he’s the opening act. Nobody will mind as they’ll all be in the bar.

Morrissey, former front-man with The Smiths and singer of droning crap lyrics, made an astonishing rant this week. When speaking about the death of nurse Jacintha Salhanda, the woman who killed herself over the backfired Duchess of Cambridge radio prank, Morrissey blamed, not the Aussie DJs, but the Duchess herself. Makes a change. Didn’t the prat always sing we should Hang the DJs?

Morrissey questioned if the Duchess really was ill and it was her fault for being in hospital in the first place. The guy really is a moron. Not only that, he has caused me to defend the bloody royal family for the second time in two weeks. Grrrr!

Oh, let’s get the irritating ones out the way next.

I read this week that there was a plot to kidnap Justin Bieber and castrate him.

Noooooo! Do we need the little twerp to be able to sing in an even higher-pitched squeaky voice?

Yes, Justin, you do still have two. Maybe they’ll drop in a few years when you hit puberty.

Okay, so not only in this roast have I stuck up for the royal family again, I have Google-searched Justin Bieber. I’m going to have to delete my browsing history.

Which direction shall we take now?

It’s going to be One Direction, here looking ridiculous in romper suits. Recently, band member Harry Styles has courted controversy by dating Taylor Swift. Apparently, their relationship has been likened to that of Yoko Ono when she gatecrashed the Beatles.

No. No, no, no, no no!

Difference: Taylor Swift has talent and is gorgeous. Yoko Ono just wailed into a microphone and looked like a … Okay, I won’t say it. Also, the Beatles are the biggest music act in history. One Direction (or 1D as they are trendily called) are a karaoke boy-band and one of a current breed of generic bags of shite whose instruments always appear to play themselves.

Now I mentioned the Beatles just then …

The music world was rocked this week when Paul McCartney teamed up with the remaining members of Nirvana. I’ve never known such an outcry. The horror of it. Saying that, all he did was jam on stage with Dave (God) Grohl, Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear.

However for their next collaboration … a fresh recording of Smells Like Teen Spirit.

I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

And the headline act – direct from a train journey to Potters Bar.

80s Pop star, Kim Wilde was a little worse for wear when she boarded a train with brother Ricky after a boozy Christmas party. However, what I wouldn’t have given to have been a passenger and witness her slurring rendition of Kids in America.

Kim, your other early hit was You Keep Me Hanging On. Back in 1981, you kept this young teen of the time, hanging onto parts of his anatomy while looking at a poster of you taken out of Smash Hits Magazine. And for that, I thank you. Merry Christmas, Kim. Grow old disgracefully, that’s what I say. Rock & Roll.

But back to the impending doom.

So … If the world really is about to end, does that mean I don’t have to struggle with my Christmas tree? Yay! Okay, probably not a good reason to be thankful for the end of the world, but what should I do if it does look like it’s going to go bang? I know, I’ll dig out an old copy of Smash Hits and relive one or two happy childhood memories.

Cheers.

Nick