Tag Archive: Crazy Golf


I’m back.

Sept 2014 I'm Back © Antony N Britt

Yes, even though I said I was going to end the Sunday Roast when I last posted in December 2013, I couldn’t help myself. You see, there are so many stupid things to comment on, and they all seem to happen to me. Therefore, what I shall do is offer an occasional meal for you. And here it is.

So what’s been happening?

I’ve been busy: Writing another book, rehearsing for a musical, and working bloody hard.. I’ve also not long returned from a week’s holiday in my favourite exotic hotspot – Torbay.

Sept 24 - Torbay © Antony N Britt

Now don’t laugh, I’ve been going there on and off for 35 years and this was my 18th trip. I love the place. You’d think after all that time, though, I’d be bored, but you’re wrong. There’s always something new to see, like the most sinister looking Disney Tramp I have ever seen.

Sept 2014 - Tramp © Antony N Britt

Really, the thing looked rabid. And while I was in the same amusement arcade, I noticed this in one of the 2 pence tipping machines.

Sept 2014 - 2p Machine © Antony N Britt

Okay, how exactly are you supposed to win that mug? There is no way it would ever get down the drop slot and even if it did, it would smash.

But that wasn’t all I saw on holiday. I took the kids on their bi-annual visit to the model village and this was in one of the displays.

Sept 2014 Charlton Heston

I hate to ask, but had the late Charlton Heston begun a course of hormone treatment in preparation for a transgender operation? I’m not sure, but those breasts are bigger than my ex-wife’s.

And there were other curiosities …

Sept 2014 - Shopping Train © Antony N Britt

Huh! Why; something Thomas the Tank uses when he goes to Tesco?

And there was an even bigger, why in Dartmouth.

Sept 2014 - Dartmouth Fish © Antony N Britt

Something looks decidedly fishy about that décor.

And another new experience for me in Torbay, I went on the big wheel which you can see in this picture.

Sept 2014 - Torquay Wheel © Antony N Britt

However, it was only when I got to the top and it stopped for five minutes, I suddenly remembered my terrible fear of heights.

Sept 2014 - Top of Big Wheel Torquay © Antony N Britt

Jesuuuus! It was high. I never used to be that scared when I was young, but I was glad to get off this time.

However, the holiday wasn’t all that bad, and I did get to play an upmarket game of crazy golf on a top course.

Sept 2014 - Mini Golf © Antony N Britt

Yes, they don’t make them like they do in Torbay. Not quite sure what the pig is doing, but I made a bit of a ham of my shot as a result.

And I discovered a funny thing in my wallet.

No, it wasn’t a condom – smart arse. Before going on holiday, I emptied my wallet of all the useless things I wouldn’t want (like condoms). However, once in Torbay, I found I did need the store loyalty card, and I did need my petrol miles card, and I especially needed my backup credit card. I may have even needed my driving licence. What I didn’t need, though, was the business card given to me by the guy doing magic tricks at my nephew’s wedding.

So if I needed extra cash or to present my licence, I was buggered. But on the other hand, if I happened to require the services of a magician on holiday … hey, don’t say I’m never prepared on that score.

Sept 2014 - The Magician

And that’s the holiday, but what else have I been doing?

Well, I returned home to find my back patio covered in weeds. Yes, these would be the ones the man who re-laid my slabs two years ago said would never return.

Now I know what you are going to say, weeds are simply flowers growing in the wrong place.

Sept 2014 - Weeds © Antony N Britt

Bollocks! They are not! Weeds are evil and must be eradicated. However, I didn’t want to spend a fortune on weed killer so I was pleased to have a chance encounter with the man who does the gardens at work who told me the trade secret.

Formula: ½ Gallon of Cider Vinegar, 2 tablespoons of washing up liquid, and one cup of salt.

Cup! What size cup, for heaven’s sake: Egg cup, tea cup, FA Cup …? I don’t know, so I took the liberal view and used a mug. However, after spending loads on this pump spray container, I was kind of wishing I’d simply bought the weedkiller in the first place as it would have been far cheaper.

Okay, does a mixture of mainly vinegar really get rid of your weeds? The answer is, yes, but every time I step into my garden now, I get a craving to buy a bag of chips.

Change my name to Doctor Griffin.

Sept 2014 - Invisible Man

You see, that was the name of the Invisible Man in the novel by HG Wells.

So you’re going to ask why … Okay, I’ll tell.

By chance while online, I came across somebody I worked with over twenty years ago. I was surprised, but glad because I liked them and we always got on. I messaged her but imagine how put out I was when after two or three conversations she admitted she couldn’t remember me. I named numerous other staff members of the time, and so did she, but I was still forgotten. How is this possible? We sat opposite one another for two years! Have I been erased from history? Obviously so. But even more weird, at least once a month somebody will come up to me and swear they know me from somewhere, but the person they think I am is not me. Work that one out!

Great, somewhere I have a doppelgänger enjoying a living out of my past.

Too Mush-room on my plate.

The reason for that terrible phrase will become obvious when I explain what will now go down in history as The Great Aberystwyth Wetherspoon’s Mushroom Incident.

Yes, I was in Wetherspoon’s having one of their breakfasts. While ordering, I asked if instead of tomatoes and beans (yuk), could I have extra mushrooms. You see, the breakfast only came with one flat mushroom. And I do like my mushrooms.

I was told yes, and imagine my anticipation when my breakfast arrived and I was told, ‘Your extra mushrooms will come on a separate plate.’

Great … loads of mushrooms. What more could I ask?

Picture my face when this arrived.

Sept 2014 - Single Mushroom Wetherspoons © Antony N Britt

Look, one sodding mushroom in place of beans and tomato is not a fair swap – right?

Is the Sunday Roast back for good?

Probably once a month. And not even on a Sunday sometimes. So it’s just going to be The Roast. You see I’m terribly busy and how many tales of dodgy mushrooms can one person deliver?

Cheers.

Nick

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A busy schedule and a road trip.

You may have noticed the absence of a Sunday Roast last week. This was because it was my rest day, and that was smack bang in the middle of the shift pattern from hell. On that day off, I went to see David at his college in Wales and stop over for his review the next day.

After doing a long shift and travelling over 100 miles to see him, though, what does he want? Yes, I have to drive a further 40+ miles as he wishes to ride on the Blaenau Ffestiniog to Porthmadog Railway.

Once there, you’d have thought I’d asked the impossible of the ticket collector when I tried to pay on the train as we had to jump on quick in order to catch it.

It’s a lovely journey, though. Well, it would have been but for the rain. However, this was Wales. It always rains in Wales.

I do admit, I made a mistake now catching that earlier train and opting to spend three hours in Porthmadog as there is … well, nothing there. Totally bugger all to see once you’ve had a look at the trains.

Blaenau Ffestiniog to Porthmadog Railway © Antony N Britt

We did find a half decent cafe to eat in and it was entertaining to watch the young lass on the counter have to pull up her trousers every two seconds as they kept falling down. However, it was soon a case of asking the unheard of, again. David wanted chicken nuggets but the menu only had them as a kids meal. That meant David was only going to be given four of them. I asked if they could do a further four and I’d pay an extra couple of quid but no, apparently that was too hard. I did think of buying two kids nugget meals but by then, it was a matter of principle.

Don’t think I’ll go to Porthmadog again. There was a tiny shed which said that it held the Maritime Museum and there was also a model railway fair, billed as taking place … next week. Couldn’t help laughing at the below attraction which we passed during several walks up and down the street to kill time.

The World's Worst Crazy Golf Course © Antony N Britt

Yes, the world’s most boring and basic crazy golf attraction. It’s a strip of tarmac with a few obstacles stuck on. And I was expected to pay for that? No thanks.

And the traffic rumbles on.

Previously on the Sunday Roast …

I spoke of my irritation on motorways and how I get held up by cretins in heavy goods vehicles who hog the middle lane as they take two years to overtake another heavy goods vehicle in the inside one.

IMGP8932

Yes, that sort of thing. It was just a theory when I wrote it but being fresh in the memory and taking my road trip, I kept an eye out and found it’s so true.

Every time I came across a slowing of traffic and a little congestion, I found the answer at the front of the problem. Two bloody lorries playing cat and mouse as they overtook one another.

Arrrggghhh! Keep to the inside lane. You only save a few minutes on your journey by doing this madness and you cause problems for other drivers.

My brain is dying.

The reason – At work, I have had the misfortune to be subjected to Heart FM … at great lengths. Okay, not as bad as some stations but Kerrang, it ain’t. The odd good track but mostly middle of the road bilge. And if there is one song I hate, it’s that Michael Jackson oldie – Smooth Criminal.

May 5 - Michael Jackson Smmoth Criminal

Annie are you okay, are you okay Annie? Annie are you okay, are you okay Annie? Annie are you okay …? And he goes on and on and on, asking the same question.

Annie, for Christ’s sake, just answer the bloody man so we can get on and hear a decent song.

What kind of moron gives a loaded weapon to a five-year-old?

Answer: The kind who is allowed to by law.

Toy ones are scary enough but hey, some folk think they have the right to blow each others brains out. Whatever happened to giving kids a Johnny Seven and be done with it?

May 5 - Johnny Seven One Man Army Toy Gun

And a postscript to Thatcher’s funeral.

May 5 - Margaret Thatcher Spitting Image

I’ve made my feelings clear on the woman without, I hope, stooping to the distaste of some. However, in times of hardship, it was, I think, too much money to be spent on a state funeral for somebody who caused so much misery to the people now forced to fork out once more to bury her.

Apparently it didn’t cost as much as anticipated. For the taxpayer, it was only 6p per person.

Still too blooming much. She took enough off me back in the 80s. I want my money back on this one.

No more road trips for a while.

One .. I’m working. I’m posting this in the spare ten minutes between shifts. Two … David has made sure my fuel allowance for the next month has been eaten up in one big meal. I could raise some money, I suppose. Yeah, to purchase a car park, stick a few loose bricks around it and call it a crazy golf attraction. Sorted.

Cheers.

Nick

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