Tag Archive: Nelson Mandela

Dec 15 - Christmas Card

Ahh … now I know Christmas is coming.

Christmas in my house would not be complete without the Stroods.

I imagine puzzled faces on those who have only read my Roasts over the last year. I shall explain. Mr and Mrs E Strood live a few doors down and over the road from me. Their house is one number different to mine.

The view from my window with the Stroods house on the corner and about the hundredth scrap van seen this morning

Since I arrived in 1997, I have had a Christmas card for the Stroods, wrongly delivered to my house from their friends, Betty and Bert. Now, how do I know it’s Betty and Bert? Ahem! I mistakenly thought it was for me and opened it that first year. Stupid, I should have known. I’m a miserable Bah Humbug bastard. Nobody sends me Christmas cards.

Anyway, the situation in my street is you don’t converse with your neighbours until the day they depart to a new house and then only if you’ve spent years nodding good morning at them. Therefore, every year I don the balaclava and mount a clandestine operation in the middle of the night to deliver the card to the correct address.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing asked every year. Why the hell don’t I tell the Stroods and hand it personally? That’s just it. I don’t. Year after year, I carry out my mission. One occasion I got in trouble and set off two security lights, knocked over a wheelie bin and got chased by the dog. Then there was the year it snowed and I left tracks everywhere and had to go back with a brush to sweep them away.

As I say, I speak of this Christmas card every year as those of you who’ve followed me from Myspace will remember when the Sunday Roast appeared there. For people who can’t remember my roasts on Myspace – tough, you can’t see them any more as Justin Timberlake and his consortium erased all the blogs when they took over.

Back to the Stroods … and Betty and Bert. I always wait with anticipation for this card. You see, I get worried now. What if the Stroods move house and don’t inform Betty and Bert? Come on, in 16 years, they haven’t told them they’ve been sending a card to the wrong address, so it stands a chance. Then again, what if … what if … Betty and Bert … have died?


This was the major worry last year as (horror and concern) I didn’t get the card delivered to my house.

I was traumatised. Okay, there could have been the logical explanation that Betty and Bert had finally updated their address books, but come on, we all know that’s not likely.

However, I have the greatest pleasure to announce, yesterday. Saturday December 14, the card to Mr and Mrs E Stood – finally arrived … at my house. Its got glitter in it this year and I can rest in my sleep. At least I will once it’s past midnight and my in the dead of night military operation to deliver the bloody card is well and truly completed.

And a late tribute.

I know Nelson Mandela died over a week ago and he’s being buried as I speak, but I didn’t do a roast last Sunday so couldn’t comment.

I don’t think I have ever seen a person’s passing marked so universally with everybody I know, praising them.

When I see good folk dying young while scumbag tyrants like Pinochet, Mugabe and Thatcher live to a ripe old age, it reinforces my belief that there isn’t a God. However, here is one guy who deserved the long life they received. Below is a picture I posted over a year ago when he met David Cameron while perfecting the art of turning into a chameleon.

July 22 Chameleon Mandela

Yes, it’s a joke, but one I think Nelson would have laughed at as he did seem to have a cracking sense of humour. Must have done to describe meeting the Spice Girls as being one of the greatest moments of his life.

Dec 15 - Nelson Mandela meets the Spice Girls

Stormy Weather.

There has been some terrible weather in the last week or so and much of the East Coast has been badly affected. I saw one piece where David Cameron visited the oddly named coastal town, Wells-Next-The-Sea.

I feel for anybody in a situation where homes are ruined, but feel for the local council. They are now going to have to change all their stationery to read, Wells-In-The-Sea.

Bad pun? I expect to get a flood of complaints now.

More sights you see about town …

Last time out, I posted a picture of a shop window displaying what I can only describe as decapitated heads.

Dec 1 - Head (1024x579)

Well, I saw another one this week which stirred my interest. Monsters from Doctor Who.

Dec 15 - Flower Heads (447x1024)

Don’t believe me? Look at this picture from the 1986 story, Trial of a Time Lord.

Dec 15 - Doctor Who Vervoid

Hey, December 15 and I’ve only said, Bah humbug, once.

Twice, Damn it! Oh well, think of me tonight as I deliver the Stroods card … probably waking the entire neighbourhood in the process.



Highlights of 2012

December 30 - 2012

What I thought I’d do this week is what many publications or television programs put out this time of year. We’re going to have a nostalgic look back at some of the pieces which I’ve roasted about during 2012. Or to put it another way – recycle a load of crap because I can’t be arsed to write a proper blog this week.

With that in mind …


Ha! There was no January. I only started this site February 1. However, as I’ve pointed out on a number of occasions, the Sunday Roast ran for three years on Myspace. The decline of that site was the reason I decided to set up my own, but I am always thankful for Myspace,  even if it is now a total bag of shite.

June 10 Myspace


Okay, this has to be one of my favourites, straight from the off.

Poor Roger Medwell. Imagine the scenario. You spend 55 years working for British Aerospace and on retiring as a director, they give you this …

Feb 12 roger-painting

Smile, Roger, smile. Stop gritting those teeth. You didn’t want a new surround sound system, anyway.


If you follow my blogs, you’ll know I have a love/hate relationship with my own Walsall Council. I love to bait them, and they hate me for it. So much so, I’m told my site has been blocked, meaning council workers cannot read it while at work.

Anyway, after one of our spats, I trawled through their Twitter feed and came across this picture of their attempts to promote the town.

March 18 Hooker

What exactly are they trying to attract – prostitution? I think the idea was to display a layout for planned improvement. However, all it seemed to show was a damn good place to pick up hookers.


This was a Titanic month. In fact, it was a theme which went on for quite a while. You see, I’ve always had this beef with the film, Titanic. You know, the fact that Rose is safe in the lifeboat but jumps back on board thus endangering Jack. All that, “I jump, you jump,” nonsense. If she’d stayed on the bloody lifeboat, Jack would have had that piece of wood to himself when the ship went down. Not only that, it was bloody well big enough for the both of them.

April 1 Titanic Water 2

Couldn’t she have given him a turn? And then there was his last words to her. “Don’t let go, Rose, don’t you ever let go.”

So what does she do? She bloody let go. Her may not have been dead, just in cold storage for a bit. What a cow.


It was about this time I had loads of people searching for pictures of the dentally challenged when I did a bit about guests with bad teeth on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Sorry, no dentures today. That was drilled to death in the summer. Go and search the archives.

My favourite piece this month showed the fine line between humour and tragedy, and that newspapers need to have a bloody good copy editor before they send the thing to print.

A note to anybody in the newspaper industry. Always check for inappropriate advertising placement before you run a story above it.

May 6 Headline


This was it, the month when I took the kids on their annual holiday, only for it to piss down all week. As well as getting rained on, I was kept awake with my caravan being ten feet away from a main road. I also faced financial ruin after spending all my cash in amusement arcades because I couldn’t go anywhere due to  the aforementioned rain.

But did it end there? No! Not only did the machines bankrupt me, they wouldn’t pay out on the few occasions I did win.

June 17 Fruit Machine

Yes, IOU £1. That’s the first time I’ve ever been given an IOU from a machine.


And to celebrate his 94th birthday, Nelson Mandela turns into a chameleon.

July 22 Chameleon Mandela


And I can’t believe after many months, some people were still using their search engines to find Jeremy Kyle Teeth and ending up with me.

No – still not going to show any pics but one thing I did comment on was the evolution of man. You see, scientists reckon in a few million years, the human race will have evolved into a higher and lower species.

Millions of years? It’s already happened. Look!

Aug 11 Evolution of Chav

Ascent of man? I bloody hope not.


Bit of a quiet month over here, but not in Haren – Holland after some silly girl posted on Facebook that she was having a party. 4000 people gatecrashed the event causing riots and thousands of pounds worth of damage.

Sept 30 Haren

4000 people! Imagine. That’s 4000 people without a social life.


I spent much of this month traumatised after a good friend of mine, Rich, pointed out that the picture of the smiling Aquafresh family from the 80s, seemed to suggest the mother and father were siblings and their child could be the result of an incestuous relationship.

Oct 21 - Teeth

I’m still receiving counselling.


November – I saw this strange sight.

Nov 25 - Solo Chair in Wolverhampton © Antony N Britt

A single seat for shoppers to sit on. All the others in Wolverhampton Centre appeared to be of a two or three seat variety. However, this one was on its own. A seat for Nobby No Mates.

Only in Wolverhampton.


Two words to sum up December.

December 23 - Bah Humbug!

So that was 2012.

Not sure how long I’m going to go on roasting. Could be time for a break. Like a jar of pickled onions, there’s only so much you can take before things start to repeat. I mean, how much more can I wring out of the Titanic nonsense, or talk about Gothic Girl while going on about people with bad teeth on Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, I certainly think I should leave the latter, alone.

December 30 - Jeremy Kyle Teeth



Things that go bump.

You may recall me ending last week’s roast with the news that I was about to partake in an all-night ghost hunt. It was good but for me, the only thing that went bump was my head when I hit it on a low beam in the cellar.

I shall remain a believing sceptic, or a sceptical believer, whatever sounds more apt. Let’s say that over the years, so much weird stuff has happened to me, I have to remain open to the possibility of ghosts, or accept the prospect that it’s all simply a product of my deranged mind.

On the night, apart from a couple of knocks on the table, nothing major happened that I couldn’t find an explanation for, though I did take this picture in the granary loft.

What do you think; definitive proof?

So I wasn’t scared, even when asked to go and sit in dark cupboards – I was game. Twice, I did it. No reason for wanting to prove or disprove the existence of ghosts. I just like sitting in cupboards.

I shan’t mock any more. It’s just a bit of fun and I do remain keen to try again. In fact, I’m off to another on Friday, so who knows?

Having said all of that, the scariest thing that happened to me all night was an encounter with the worst toilets I’ve spent a penny in, all year. Yew! Ghosts – no problem, but that … I won’t even post a photograph they were so disgusting. Well, I didn’t actually take a photograph. You see, with a queue of nice looking ladies waiting outside, having my flash go off from behind the closed toilet cubicle is not a look I’m keen to promote.


Poor old football fan. Dennis Swift found himself in hot water when police arrived on his doorstep to warn him off for writing … poetry.

Apparently, Dennis had not been too kind in his verse about his beloved Bolton Wanderers. The club took exception and complained to the police, hence the dawn raid.

‘Don’t go writing any more,’ one of the cops blasted.

Oh, give me strength. Have they nothing better to do? Talk about soft targets and what about the club; how petty are they? Every week on the terraces, 30,000 fans scream, ‘You’re a fucking wanker,’ at the manager when the team lose and nothing can be done yet one man writes a sonnet, and the swat team are banging on his door.

This soccer club doth protest too much.

Shame on you, Bolton Wanderers, and shame on the local police for following through.

And talking of bad cops …

PC Simon Harwood may not be guilty in the eyes of the law over committing manslaughter but one thing doesn’t alter. He is a violent thug who should never have been allowed to continue in the force.

Cowardly, Harwood, during the G20 protests, decided enough was enough but rather than vent his anger at those causing the trouble, had a go at a middle aged man on his way home. Minutes after being pushed to the ground from behind by Harwood, Ian Tomlinson was dead.

So Harwood had been subjected to a bad day. Been taunted. Was that any reason to take out his anger issues on an innocent passer by? I worked for years within the police alongside hundreds of good, honest officers. This incident is an insult to their excellent work. The fault here, lies with the tosspot chiefs who sit on their backsides and couldn’t spot a wrong-un if one thumped them, which sounds likely in the case of Harwood, now having heard the long list of previous disciplinary accusations against him. The Met, however. conveniently managed to keep these incidents from the public domain, having not acted when they arose over the years.

Outside the court, Harwood’s wife expressed relief after enduring three years of hell. What about the hell suffered by the family of Ian Tomlinson? Tell them that justice has been done.

You chiefs at the Met. You have blood on your hands.

And to celebrate his 94th birthday …

Nelson Mandela turns into a chameleon.

Barclays boob again?

After the scandal of rate-rigging, fat-cat bonuses and the like, beleaguered bank, Barclays were in the news again. This time, it was one of their own employees who has been found guilty. Clerk, Rachael Martin stole £40k from the bank in order that she could have a boob job.

Well, it isn’t the first time Barclays or any other of these greedy bankers have swiped money from their customers to fund a load of tits.

May the love of God, picket your funeral and spout hate at grieving families …

Okay, you may have guessed from previous roasts, I’m very anti-religion. However, God has very little to do with the bollocks spewed out by those planks in the Westboro Baptist Church. Come on, I’m all for free speech but this is nothing more than bigoted hate. In the UK, this lot would be arrested., especially if the hate was directed at Bolton Wanderers Football Club in the shape of a poem.

Hiding behind the mask of our fictional hero, God, this load of pond-life have spouted hatred against everything. You name it: Sexuality, the armed forces, Judaism, Catholicism, Hinduism, Islam and just about everybody who isn’t a member of their twisted community. Don’t worry Westbroro. It’s reciprocal. Everybody hates you in return. Says it all – even the Klu Klux Klan distanced themselves from Westboro on the grounds of the religious group being extreme.

The Foo Fighters – Kicking Westboro’s sorry ass in a counter protest last year. Long live Dave Grohl.

Off on the ghost trail, again.

As I mentioned, I’m booked up for another ghost event. I’ll have done it by the next time I’m roasting, so who knows, I may have that proof of life in the world beyond … or not. I am keen though. It’s just an interest and I’m penciling in two more for later in the year. Woodchester Mansion is supposed to be extremely haunted so should be good. Also, Dudley Castle will be really terrifying. Okay, spending a night at Dudley Castle won’t be, but having to travel through Dudley to get there, will.



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