Antony N Britt – Author

Put that light out.

So it’s all over. The torch has been extinguished and GB athletes can hold their heads high. They did the country proud and not only that, we saw a sight I thought I’d never see.

Yes, Andy Murray and the word winner being used in the same sentence.

Apparently there was some big closing ceremony but did I watch the pretentious rolling out of over the hill artists? No, I was too busy chewing my own arm off. It was slightly preferable. The thought of Russell Brand does the Beatles, turned my stomach. Neither did I want to see Annie Lennox and the bloody Pet Shop Boys. I spent most the 80s having them send me to sleep. At least we didn’t get Coldplay.

I say I didn’t watch it but I did catch a couple of clips later on when I couldn’t avoid them on the news. Therefore, I have one thing to say … Queen – hang your heads in shame. I mean, I love Queen but the bit I saw had a recording of Freddie Mercury followed by three minutes of Brian May, wanking on his guitar. Queen were great, but Freddie died twenty years ago. Stop milking it and leave grave robbery to Burke and Hare. Not only that, after Brian’s pretentious electric solo, some karaoke singer walks on to sing We Will Rock You. I ended the clip – just before my evening meal tried to do a u-turn and choke me to death. The only other bit I saw was some guy doing his best disco dad impression while playing songs on a turntable. Obviously he’d lost his way trying to get to Betty and Bert’s Silver Wedding celebration and wandered into the stadium by mistake.

Come on. Since when did playing records constitute live entertainment?

Not only did we have just half of the band, Queen, we didn’t even have a real Queen, either. No, poor Liz must still be shagged out after the parachute jump during the opening ceremony. After the Bond sketch, you think they’d have done a sequel for the closing event. You only try to die twice? Bearing in mind the opening with Bond and all the golds Team GB have won, wouldn’t it have been apt for Daniel Craig to walk into the Olympic stadium and find the Queen, naked and covered in gold paint?

Evolution of man

I read, the other week that a new and ancient species of human has been found from studying fossils in Kenya. This unknown link is thought to have lived about two million years ago.

I always find this fascinating, particularly due to the fact creationists think the world is only a few thousand years old but mostly, the scientists totally forget about the new breed of species already in the here and now.

Yes. These boffins reckon that in millions of years time, the evolutionary ladder will have climbed again with humanity branched into a division of higher elite and lower sub-human. A bit like H G Wells’ The Time Machine.

Thing is, they’ve got it all wrong. The new breed is already here. I mean … have you not watched the Jeremy Kyle Show?

We don’t have to wait for the far future to see what we’ll become. The future is happening now – walking around with baseball caps, wearing bling, hooded tops and sporting socks tucked into tracksuit bottoms.

Ascent of man? I bloody hope not.

You couldn’t invent such crap.

Just when you thought the sleazy world of banking could get no lower, another slimy cretin springs to the surface. New Barclays chairman, Sir David Walker says banks should charge customers for basic accounts. He also blames free banking for the mis-selling scandals, going on to spout bullshit that it was because of this, his poor misunderstood banking colleagues had to look for other ways to rake in the cash.

Bollocks.

The banks are in a mess due to greedy bosses on obscene bonuses and staff who abused their roles by speculating and short-selling on the markets. Not the function of banks at all. I briefly worked in a bank – HFC back in the 90s and the guidelines were to rip off the customer and sell them insurance policies they didn’t need.

Sir David … where did the Sir come from? You used to have to slay dragons or something to get such an honour. Now it seems all you need to be is a sycophantic toady, sucking up to successive governments. Honours and fat-cat bonuses? Most bankers should be in jail.

Sir David ponders why nobody likes him and his banking colleagues.

And talking of whingers …

Our unelected peers in the House of Lords have been moaning. Apparently, they don’t like the food in the posh taxpayer-funded restaurant.

Why not try paying for your food then? It’s what the rest of the working population do at lunchtime.

Big Brother is watching you.

I love Big Brother on TV. For weeks, I get to know these folk and once it’s over, they can bugger off and I never have to see them again. A bit like the awful in-laws when I divorced. However, my daughter likes it too and I have to record it for her. Nothing wrong with that but now, she wants to see the celebrity version, too.

Give me strength. Talk about Z-list. I know there was a big thing with the Olympics, but to have Ashley McKenzie, one of the few who did rubbish at the games is really scraping the barrel. Perhaps his defeat after about 4 minutes into the judo meant he was able to appear because he had little else to do at the time.

Calling some of these people celebrities is stretching it a bit. I only know four out the thirteen and we now have ex reality TV stars … on a reality TV show. Not only that, people from American TV that nobody in this country has ever heard of. What’s the point of that on a UK celebrity show? I mean, there is some plonker on there who goes by the name of The Situation. That’s really what he likes to call himself. I have to feel for him though. After being confronted by Julian Clary and Julie Goodyear, I bet he wished he was back in the US reality world.

Bad taste?

A crazy golf course in a Blackpool gallery has been slammed as one of the features is a likeness of Adolf Hitler.

What’s the problem? Some might get a kick of knocking a golf ball in-between his legs. Anyway, we all know Hitler only had one ball, now’s his chance to have a few more in that area of the body.

So what next?

Now the Olympics are over, what can we do to fulfil our sad lives? Oh yeah, the football season started. Still, there must be something else, something we can watch on TV. Let’s take a look at what’s on tonight, I think a new show, began.

Nooooooooooo!

Cheers.

Nick