Tag Archive: Titanic floating on wood

Highlights of 2012

December 30 - 2012

What I thought I’d do this week is what many publications or television programs put out this time of year. We’re going to have a nostalgic look back at some of the pieces which I’ve roasted about during 2012. Or to put it another way – recycle a load of crap because I can’t be arsed to write a proper blog this week.

With that in mind …


Ha! There was no January. I only started this site February 1. However, as I’ve pointed out on a number of occasions, the Sunday Roast ran for three years on Myspace. The decline of that site was the reason I decided to set up my own, but I am always thankful for Myspace,  even if it is now a total bag of shite.

June 10 Myspace


Okay, this has to be one of my favourites, straight from the off.

Poor Roger Medwell. Imagine the scenario. You spend 55 years working for British Aerospace and on retiring as a director, they give you this …

Feb 12 roger-painting

Smile, Roger, smile. Stop gritting those teeth. You didn’t want a new surround sound system, anyway.


If you follow my blogs, you’ll know I have a love/hate relationship with my own Walsall Council. I love to bait them, and they hate me for it. So much so, I’m told my site has been blocked, meaning council workers cannot read it while at work.

Anyway, after one of our spats, I trawled through their Twitter feed and came across this picture of their attempts to promote the town.

March 18 Hooker

What exactly are they trying to attract – prostitution? I think the idea was to display a layout for planned improvement. However, all it seemed to show was a damn good place to pick up hookers.


This was a Titanic month. In fact, it was a theme which went on for quite a while. You see, I’ve always had this beef with the film, Titanic. You know, the fact that Rose is safe in the lifeboat but jumps back on board thus endangering Jack. All that, “I jump, you jump,” nonsense. If she’d stayed on the bloody lifeboat, Jack would have had that piece of wood to himself when the ship went down. Not only that, it was bloody well big enough for the both of them.

April 1 Titanic Water 2

Couldn’t she have given him a turn? And then there was his last words to her. “Don’t let go, Rose, don’t you ever let go.”

So what does she do? She bloody let go. Her may not have been dead, just in cold storage for a bit. What a cow.


It was about this time I had loads of people searching for pictures of the dentally challenged when I did a bit about guests with bad teeth on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Sorry, no dentures today. That was drilled to death in the summer. Go and search the archives.

My favourite piece this month showed the fine line between humour and tragedy, and that newspapers need to have a bloody good copy editor before they send the thing to print.

A note to anybody in the newspaper industry. Always check for inappropriate advertising placement before you run a story above it.

May 6 Headline


This was it, the month when I took the kids on their annual holiday, only for it to piss down all week. As well as getting rained on, I was kept awake with my caravan being ten feet away from a main road. I also faced financial ruin after spending all my cash in amusement arcades because I couldn’t go anywhere due to  the aforementioned rain.

But did it end there? No! Not only did the machines bankrupt me, they wouldn’t pay out on the few occasions I did win.

June 17 Fruit Machine

Yes, IOU £1. That’s the first time I’ve ever been given an IOU from a machine.


And to celebrate his 94th birthday, Nelson Mandela turns into a chameleon.

July 22 Chameleon Mandela


And I can’t believe after many months, some people were still using their search engines to find Jeremy Kyle Teeth and ending up with me.

No – still not going to show any pics but one thing I did comment on was the evolution of man. You see, scientists reckon in a few million years, the human race will have evolved into a higher and lower species.

Millions of years? It’s already happened. Look!

Aug 11 Evolution of Chav

Ascent of man? I bloody hope not.


Bit of a quiet month over here, but not in Haren – Holland after some silly girl posted on Facebook that she was having a party. 4000 people gatecrashed the event causing riots and thousands of pounds worth of damage.

Sept 30 Haren

4000 people! Imagine. That’s 4000 people without a social life.


I spent much of this month traumatised after a good friend of mine, Rich, pointed out that the picture of the smiling Aquafresh family from the 80s, seemed to suggest the mother and father were siblings and their child could be the result of an incestuous relationship.

Oct 21 - Teeth

I’m still receiving counselling.


November – I saw this strange sight.

Nov 25 - Solo Chair in Wolverhampton © Antony N Britt

A single seat for shoppers to sit on. All the others in Wolverhampton Centre appeared to be of a two or three seat variety. However, this one was on its own. A seat for Nobby No Mates.

Only in Wolverhampton.


Two words to sum up December.

December 23 - Bah Humbug!

So that was 2012.

Not sure how long I’m going to go on roasting. Could be time for a break. Like a jar of pickled onions, there’s only so much you can take before things start to repeat. I mean, how much more can I wring out of the Titanic nonsense, or talk about Gothic Girl while going on about people with bad teeth on Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, I certainly think I should leave the latter, alone.

December 30 - Jeremy Kyle Teeth



April Fool … anybody?

So it’s April 1, and you’re expecting me to make a fool of people. Well, as I do that most weeks, who am I to disappoint when we have a whole day dedicated to life’s idiots.

First up, we have a follow-on from last week when I spoke of the soft targets being hit as a result of the chancellor’s budget. What I failed to mention was the hike in VAT levied on hot food sold by retail outlets. Now dubbed, “Pastygate,” we have millions of lycra-legged and baseball cap wearing lasses and lads, all outraged because they now have to fork out extra for their daily fix at Greggs.

The government are trying to play it down, of course by not mentioning hot food. Still, they don’t seem to be doing a good job if recent sightings are anything to go by.

The thing is, I can’t actually see why pasties and the rest were exempt in the first place. I know why the government have done it. One, obviously it will bring them more revenue but secretly (and this is where the craftiness comes in), all those who have to maybe eat a banana instead of a pizza slice or sausage roll, will soon be losing weight. You see, Mr Chavvy from Chavtown, will begin to worry that his grey and orange jogging bottoms don’t fit him any more and he’ll have to buy new ones. Even further, Mrs Loudmouth in Leggings, will also be astonished to find that Primark, actually sell lycra garments in sizes under 20.

Wow! I’m amazed. With all these new clothes available smaller sizes, once we have been weaned off a diet of pastry, there will be people queuing up for new stuff. What a boost for a countries economy. I mean, all those sweat shops with children working for 5p a day in third world continents will never have had it so good in terms of turnover.

Still, they produce them – we’ll keep on buying them, just like those God-awful pasties.

Cynical – me?

Mama Mia …

I enjoyed reading about the missing parrot who sings Bohemian Rhapsody. His owner, however, is distraught and wants the bird back after thieves took it.

Hmm, maybe it should have been taught to sing the songs of the Pet Shop Boys instead. If it had, you can guarantee it would have been returned in a day.

Now showing at your local cinema …

Across the land, our multi-screen complexes are showing the latest Hollywood blockbuster – Titanic.

Eh … hang on, didn’t Titanic come out about fifteen years ago?

Yes, Titanic is the latest in a long line of reissues where people are being fleeced in order to watch the same movie again, but this time in 3-D.

For ages, cinemas and audiences feeling ripped off, have gone hand-in-hand. You see, not only have we always paid to get in to see the film, once inside the cinema, we pay more than our original entry fee for bloomin’ popcorn and fizzy drinks. Why? It’s a strange one. We eat popcorn while watching a movie and at no other point in our lives.

Anyway, I digress, so back to Titanic … in 3-D. I have seen Titanic, though never in one go. I always come in at some point when it’s shown but with it being so long, I’ve never had the stamina for the whole motion picture. I actually think the voyage of the real Titanic took less time than watching the silly film. Still, I want to know one thing, and this has puzzled me for years. If it is now in 3-D, with a much better scope of vision, will Kate Winslet finally see that the plank she’s lying on in the freezing water while Leonardo Dicaprio is hanging onto the side … IS BLOODY WELL BIG ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF THEM?

Arrrgghh! Is she stupid? That’s a huge board she’s on. Shift over you idiot and let him snuggle up beside you.

It’s not just that either. Just before the ship sinks, she’s on the lifeboat, heading to safety and then climbs back onto the Titanic to be with Leo. Arrrgghh! “Rose, why did you do that, why?” All that, “You jump, I jump,” nonsense; if she’d stayed on the lifeboat, he’d have jumped on his own and had that piece of wood all to himself.

Stupid mare. She killed Leo.

Quick note to Trevor Mulligan.

Stop sending me bloomin’ emails about sports dates. I have never heard of you, I am NOT in your basketball team or any other kind of team.

The only balls I play with these days, are my own.

And talking of dates …

I used to get loads of spam emails offering me dates with young hotties. Now, they seem to have been replaced by ones suggesting dating the more mature lady. What are they saying, that I’m past it?

I’m quite happy, thank you, with Angiebabe. She’s seven years younger than me and you know what they say? You’re as young as the person you feel.

April Fuel’s Day.

As I have said, there are many contenders today for nob of the week but none more than Tory MP, Francis Maude. This pillock told the nation that they should buy jerry cans and stockpile fuel in case of a potential tanker drivers strike.

Way to go, Maude. Tell all the idiots in the world to buy cans, fill them with flammable substances, then accept the fact that many will go home and store them next to the gas fire.

I got caught up in the panic buying frenzy the other day too. I was in Warwick, then had to drive 30 or so miles and by the time I was home, I needed to fill up. All this talk of queues, I saw none of them until I reached my regular station and had to wait half an hour as every panic buying fool had chosen that one to go to. I had to fill up a full tank; some of them were only at the pumps for thirty seconds. Annoying, or what?

Calm down, Britt.

I’m going to hope nobody tries to prank me now. I shall settle down, enjoy my Sunday and if I’m feeling peckish … apply to get a mortgage so I can afford the exorbitant price of a Greggs Pasty now the government have levied the VAT on them.



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