Tag Archive: Queen


Phew, what a scorcher!

Okay, I’m tempting fate, writing this on the hottest day of the year as I shall be at work when this posts. However, it is also supposed to be a roaster on Sunday so I’m trusting the BBC Weather Forecast to have got it right.

July 7 - Weather

They should, I mean, it’s not like they make a mistake like saying it won’t be windy only for a hurricane to blow.

I should also tempt fate and say well done, Andy Murray … but I won’t That’s taking expectation too far.

God save our impoverished Queen.

I mentioned this at the end of last week’s roast and heaven preserve us. Not content with the stupid millions she already gets every year while the rest of the country dies on it’s feet, the queen has been awarded a whopping £1.79million extra because she is struggling to make ends meet.

And one of the reasons is that upstarts, Kate and Will, needed their luxury palace redecorating. The Queen, it appears, covered the cost from her own purse (sorry … that should read, the taxpayer’s purse). As a result, Queeny needs to grab some public cash to make up for her shortfall. Nice to know in times of hardship, we’re all in this together. Yeah … like the rest of the nation can fund renovations without having to work 200 hours a month overtime to do so. Perhaps the royal family should try B&Q.

July 8 Queen and Charles Laughing

I find it obscene when millions are out of work and facing poverty, this overrated bunch get to live the good life just because their depraved ancestors had a bigger army than the opposition.

Get rid of them. They are not worth it. Yes, I know people will crow that they bring in tourism.

Rot. It is tradition and history which does that, not these privileged few.

Vive la revolution.

May the Main Course, be with you.

July 7- Star Wars

Once upon a time, there were two heroes. They were adored and millions flocked to the cinema to see them. That was then, and this is now as thirty years on, they reprise their rolls. Sorry, that should read, roles.

Original Star Wars heroes, Mark Hammil and Carrie Fisher are under orders to slim in order to appear in the latest round of the space soap opera. It seems they like their food too much and are deemed vastly overweight for their famed parts.

I think it’s a bit unfair. Luke Skywalker in his sixties … he should be sporting man boobs and with more hair than Chewbacca by now. What do they expect? And then there’s Princess Leia. Okay, that desert costume bikini thing while showing a muffin top belly may not have the same appeal as in Return of the Jedi, but let’s have some realism. Then again, after episodes 1 – 3, realism went out the window with tacky CGI effects and making Jedi knights akin to Superman rather than the original idea of a simple inner force.

No doubt it will make millions.

Does size matter?

Apparently it does with mobile phones.

It amazes me. I recall the huge bricks people used as mobile phones back in the 80s and early 90s. Since then, technology and practicality prevailed and we had some really nifty pocket phones.

Then the the trend turned.

No longer are folk happy with micro screens, you have to have a tablet. HTC One, Samsung Galaxy Mega, now we have the Sony Xperia Z at a whopping 6.4 inches. And there are more like it.

July 7- Tablet Phone

Look folks, it’s not the size of your tool that counts, it’s how you perform with it. I mean, these latest tablet phones … they’re not phones, let’s face it. And if you do want something that big … buy a bloody laptop.

Take that … you idiot!

Robbie Williams. There’s a man who matches Sting every step he takes in the competition for ultimate smugness, only Robbie is minus the talent.

However, the bland Take That crooner was in the papers recently talking about how he would buy drugs for his new daughter, just so he was sure she would be taking the best possible kind.

WTF? Is he on a different planet? How about not buying your kid illegal substances and spending the time doing something useful such as teaching her, drugs kill you. You know, being the sort of role model any decent father would want to be.

But is that Robbie? Guess not. And I suppose it’s a case of once a tosspot, always a tosspot.

Robbie Williams. The guy who made a career of looking like the nutter who stands pulling faces behind news reports on TV.

Feb 26 Robbie Williams

Got me face on the telly a’gin.

Dizzy Heights.

I didn’t see this feat, only read about it in the papers.

Nik Wallenda walked a quarter of a mile on a 2 inch wire over a 1,500 drop near the Grand Canyon at Little Colorado River Gorge.

July 7- Nik Wallenda

Kudos to the madman. Very few people would even contemplate such a task. Me … I got vertigo simply watching on You Tube.

That’s a wrap.

July 7- Chicken Wrap

Can’t mention the tennis and Andy Murray as I’m working today and have this on auto-post. If he does win, he’ll probably get a knighthood. Me … I’m currently working caring for a vulnerable person. You know, the job I do with little reward.

Even if they offered me an honour, it would be my privilege to tell them to stick it with their sceptre.

Cheers.

Nick

Put that light out.

So it’s all over. The torch has been extinguished and GB athletes can hold their heads high. They did the country proud and not only that, we saw a sight I thought I’d never see.

Yes, Andy Murray and the word winner being used in the same sentence.

Apparently there was some big closing ceremony but did I watch the pretentious rolling out of over the hill artists? No, I was too busy chewing my own arm off. It was slightly preferable. The thought of Russell Brand does the Beatles, turned my stomach. Neither did I want to see Annie Lennox and the bloody Pet Shop Boys. I spent most the 80s having them send me to sleep. At least we didn’t get Coldplay.

I say I didn’t watch it but I did catch a couple of clips later on when I couldn’t avoid them on the news. Therefore, I have one thing to say … Queen – hang your heads in shame. I mean, I love Queen but the bit I saw had a recording of Freddie Mercury followed by three minutes of Brian May, wanking on his guitar. Queen were great, but Freddie died twenty years ago. Stop milking it and leave grave robbery to Burke and Hare. Not only that, after Brian’s pretentious electric solo, some karaoke singer walks on to sing We Will Rock You. I ended the clip – just before my evening meal tried to do a u-turn and choke me to death. The only other bit I saw was some guy doing his best disco dad impression while playing songs on a turntable. Obviously he’d lost his way trying to get to Betty and Bert’s Silver Wedding celebration and wandered into the stadium by mistake.

Come on. Since when did playing records constitute live entertainment?

Not only did we have just half of the band, Queen, we didn’t even have a real Queen, either. No, poor Liz must still be shagged out after the parachute jump during the opening ceremony. After the Bond sketch, you think they’d have done a sequel for the closing event. You only try to die twice? Bearing in mind the opening with Bond and all the golds Team GB have won, wouldn’t it have been apt for Daniel Craig to walk into the Olympic stadium and find the Queen, naked and covered in gold paint?

Evolution of man

I read, the other week that a new and ancient species of human has been found from studying fossils in Kenya. This unknown link is thought to have lived about two million years ago.

I always find this fascinating, particularly due to the fact creationists think the world is only a few thousand years old but mostly, the scientists totally forget about the new breed of species already in the here and now.

Yes. These boffins reckon that in millions of years time, the evolutionary ladder will have climbed again with humanity branched into a division of higher elite and lower sub-human. A bit like H G Wells’ The Time Machine.

Thing is, they’ve got it all wrong. The new breed is already here. I mean … have you not watched the Jeremy Kyle Show?

We don’t have to wait for the far future to see what we’ll become. The future is happening now – walking around with baseball caps, wearing bling, hooded tops and sporting socks tucked into tracksuit bottoms.

Ascent of man? I bloody hope not.

You couldn’t invent such crap.

Just when you thought the sleazy world of banking could get no lower, another slimy cretin springs to the surface. New Barclays chairman, Sir David Walker says banks should charge customers for basic accounts. He also blames free banking for the mis-selling scandals, going on to spout bullshit that it was because of this, his poor misunderstood banking colleagues had to look for other ways to rake in the cash.

Bollocks.

The banks are in a mess due to greedy bosses on obscene bonuses and staff who abused their roles by speculating and short-selling on the markets. Not the function of banks at all. I briefly worked in a bank – HFC back in the 90s and the guidelines were to rip off the customer and sell them insurance policies they didn’t need.

Sir David … where did the Sir come from? You used to have to slay dragons or something to get such an honour. Now it seems all you need to be is a sycophantic toady, sucking up to successive governments. Honours and fat-cat bonuses? Most bankers should be in jail.

Sir David ponders why nobody likes him and his banking colleagues.

And talking of whingers …

Our unelected peers in the House of Lords have been moaning. Apparently, they don’t like the food in the posh taxpayer-funded restaurant.

Why not try paying for your food then? It’s what the rest of the working population do at lunchtime.

Big Brother is watching you.

I love Big Brother on TV. For weeks, I get to know these folk and once it’s over, they can bugger off and I never have to see them again. A bit like the awful in-laws when I divorced. However, my daughter likes it too and I have to record it for her. Nothing wrong with that but now, she wants to see the celebrity version, too.

Give me strength. Talk about Z-list. I know there was a big thing with the Olympics, but to have Ashley McKenzie, one of the few who did rubbish at the games is really scraping the barrel. Perhaps his defeat after about 4 minutes into the judo meant he was able to appear because he had little else to do at the time.

Calling some of these people celebrities is stretching it a bit. I only know four out the thirteen and we now have ex reality TV stars … on a reality TV show. Not only that, people from American TV that nobody in this country has ever heard of. What’s the point of that on a UK celebrity show? I mean, there is some plonker on there who goes by the name of The Situation. That’s really what he likes to call himself. I have to feel for him though. After being confronted by Julian Clary and Julie Goodyear, I bet he wished he was back in the US reality world.

Bad taste?

A crazy golf course in a Blackpool gallery has been slammed as one of the features is a likeness of Adolf Hitler.

What’s the problem? Some might get a kick of knocking a golf ball in-between his legs. Anyway, we all know Hitler only had one ball, now’s his chance to have a few more in that area of the body.

So what next?

Now the Olympics are over, what can we do to fulfil our sad lives? Oh yeah, the football season started. Still, there must be something else, something we can watch on TV. Let’s take a look at what’s on tonight, I think a new show, began.

Nooooooooooo!

Cheers.

Nick

Katie opts out of Cruise control.

It was always going to be a matter of time before Top-Gun movie darling Tom Cruise, said farewell to his latest wife. Anybody that spouts religious bullshit on a regular basis is always walking a fine line but to promote Scientology, you have to wonder how he has any credibility left.

Scientology is an oddball cult which appears to be little more than pyramid selling on a religious level. In other words – a con. Scientology was created by L Ron Hubbard and his profession as a writer of science pulp fiction, says it all. Scientology tells us that we are but astral energy, trapped in human form. In fact, when Hubbard died, his followers told us he’d abandoned his body to carry on important work in another part of the universe. Hmmm … I reckon there are many involved in this nonsense of a cult whose minds have long departed this planet, but ironically, still appear to be active here.

Above we see Mr Cruise practising in his spacesuit for the day he ascends to that astral plane. However, it is no joke for wife, Kate and daughter, Suri. Can you not blame a mother in fearing for her child’s well-being? She has serious fears. I mean, she should know, after five years being married to Cruise.

Scientology is not officially recognised as a religion but is exempt from UK tax as it alleges it is a non-profit organisation. However, for something supposedly not in it to make money, there are an awful lot of properties owned by the cult and some very rich people – at the top.

Mind you, it’s the same as any other religion. Promises eternal existence, but is simply after your mortally-gained wealth.

Yes Katie. I’d keep her very close to your chest – and don’t bloody let go.

Boy. I must stop forgetting what I’ve left in my living room.

The other week, David came home with a puppet he made in school. Now when I say puppet, this one is about three feet high with a head that’s real-sized, as you can see below.

It’s really good and he did, apparently do a lot of the stitching himself. However, the first night it came home, I placed it in the far corner of the living room, went to bed, forgot it was there. Next morning in the gloom at six, I walk bleary-eyed into the room, turn and … Arrrgghhh! My God. I wasn’t expecting to see that out the corner of my eye. It’s the most frightening thing since David left the home video of 2001, on pause and I walked in to see the face of my ex-wife grinning back at me on a 32” screen.

Mind you, David’s puppet reminds me of a sight we saw on holiday. This was at the other end of the road away from our caravan.

Imagine walking past that every day to get a packet of cornflakes. Simon Cowell in a grass skirt. Yew!

She’s a bit Gaga …

So we have a storm in a teacup about Lady Gaga doing a song about the death of Princess Diana. I was amazed when I heard. I mean, has she only just found out the princess is dead? You can imagine the Gaga comeback tour of 2028. Opening number – Wacko about Jacko.

Lady Gaga – Keep up with the times, Dear.

Crime scene? Some of that music is criminal. I tell you.

On the menu last night …

Ugh! I spent a lovely couple of minutes clearing up what can only be described as congealed badger vomit after suffering the stench beforehand. The residue, also more commonly know as Pot Noodle, belonged to David, and he’d spilled it on the carpet.

Is this child abuse?

Chantal Marshall, having persuaded four of her daughters to follow her example and have excessive breast enhancement, now wants youngest daughter Britney, 14, to also have boob surgery.

Seriously, Britney. Do you really want to look like that? Ugh! They are horrific. Cinderella never needed to be the same as her sisters, and neither do you.

Every minute on the internet …

I read this week that each sixty seconds online, people send 200million emails. They also post and share over 700million items on Facebook. In addition, they load nearly 4000 poor quality retro-style photos on Instantgram followed by tapping in 100,000 tweets on Twitter.

I don’t know about that lot, but according to my statistics on this site, most of the world is searching for pictures of Rose from Titanic on a blooming raft.

Arrrgghhh! It – was – a – joke! And for the record, it probably would have sunk.

A bit of madness with a sting in the tail.

Madness singer, Suggs, allegedly got drunk at a posh bash the other day and gatecrashed Sting while the former Police singer was on stage.

Sting ought to be grateful. Maybe seeing an artist with a bit of oomph might remind him what it’s like to perform energetic rock. It’s what Sting did best, not this solo artistic stuff, or as it’s also known – semi-pretentious crap.

Sting – Winner of the Smug Git of the Year Award – near thirty years running.

I don’t want to contribute to their air miles.

Apparently, Prince William and Kate splashed out £52k on a one-way flight recently. This is in addition to regular member of the mile-high club, Prince Andrew, who fleeced the country nearly £400k over a short period in his role as trade envoy. Trade envoy? That’s a new name for playing golf I haven’t heard before. Also, the Prince of Wales and Camilla, spent nigh-on half a million on their tour of the Middle East and Africa. All on private jets.

Have any of these leeches ever heard of using a bus? I’m told that the £32 million the UK taxpayer gives to fund these useless load of ferret droppings each year, amounts to 52p a head. It may not sound much to you, but I want to opt out.

The royal family. They live on a different planet. Maybe they should become Scientologists.

Cheers.

Nick

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