Tag Archive: Antony N Britt


The Sunday Roast – Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow … Then We Can All Go Home.

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January 20, 2013

Severe weather warning.

In the UK, we really are rubbish at dealing with the weather.

Jan 20 - Walsall in Snow © Antony N Britt

Did you see that picture? Exactly. That’s what it takes. The full extent of a snowfall needed in this country to bring the place to a standstill.

First thing Friday morning, I was hearing that most of the schools were open. By lunchtime, parents were being called to come and get the kids because of the snow. And it was the same elsewhere. People sent home from work early, all ending up in huge traffic jams as they left at the same time. Wouldn’t it have been better to work till late and go home when it was quieter? Just a thought.

Now I’m not going to lie, I haven’t taken my car out. You see the main reason is the roads. Even though we’ve only had a few inches of white stuff, they are terrible because very few are safe to drive on. Our council workers do a good job with the budget allowed and I was told via Twitter by our fingers on the pulse council that they had cleared the important areas on Friday. Walsall Town Centre and schools had been gritted and also, they made sure all the cemeteries were clear.

May 20 Question

Cemeteries … really? Were they one of the most important places to keep accessible? I mean, it’s not as if the residents are going anywhere, is it.

I guess the authorities try their best. I’m just glad I’m not one of those who it took several hours to get home the other day. Even so, as professional a job as they did, those in the UK can’t beat the folk in some countries like Canada. I’ve seen this pic bandied about a few times on Facebook and Twitter … so I stole it.

Jan 20 - Meanwhile in Canada

Think the UK can match that? No, neither can I.

Happy Snow Days, folks.

The sums don’t add up …

Well these wouldn’t, because I’m talking about long division. Apparently, education ministers want to return to the old-fashioned method of dividing numbers. What a waste of time. I used to use my own method at school and I have to admit, as good as I am at simple maths, I never understood long division, whatsoever. And why should I? I can divide, and I’ve never needed it. It’s the same as algebra. Come to think of it, it’s the same as just about everything in mathematics apart from add, subtract, multiply and divide. Any other kind of sums, I’ve never used in my life.

What’s wrong with teaching the kids the basics instead of complicating things? Better still, use a bloody calculator.

Jan 20 - Calculator © Antony N Britt

And the royal news of the moment …

Yes, the Duchess of Cambridge is still pregnant. However, I did read the other day, a rumour that the baby will be named after whichever town the royal couple were in when it was conceived.

Jan 20 - Shitterton

Let’s just hope they weren’t staying there.

Does my bum look big in this?

I was reading this week about two young sisters who have spent £5,000 between them to make their bums look bigger. Karen and Jennifer Lopez, both had bum enlargements before they were 18. This was on top of other cosmetic surgery. You have to wonder about the mentality of parents. I’d personally call it child abuse.

I won’t post a picture of the Lopez sisters. Instead, here’s the real Jennifer Lopez.

Jan 20 - Jennifer Lopez Bum

I really don’t know why the sisters spent that much and flew to Colombia to have their ass-work done. In the UK, we have a much cheaper method of achieving bum enhancement. It’s called McDonald’s and Burger King.

It’s written in the stars.

Former Page 3 model, Katie Price is in the news again over her love life. She married for a third time recently and of course, this was the big headline in The Sun.

IMGP8627

Note … I didn’t buy The Sun, I stole this from a Chinese Takeaway.

What I find interesting is the headline. Apparently, Katie was told to wed by a psychic. The psychic also said she’d marry someone called Kevin. However, her new husband’s name is actually, Kieran. Okay, it begins with a k, has an i, an e and an n in it (all in the wrong order), but apart from that, the psychic got it spot on.

Katie reckons it’s close enough for her. Rather like paying somebody to write all your books then passing them off as your own, is close to being called a writer.

Got to admire Barack.

Jan 20 - Barack Obama Gun Law

I know he’s not advocating a total gun ban, but it’s a start, and he’s a brave man to stand up to the ridiculous mentality of the gun lobby and all the crap about a right to bear arms.

There is only one result of carrying a gun, and that’s the fact it will be used. Get rid of the lot. Make them so hard to come by and such a crime to carry one that it would result in an immediate life sentence if you did. Let’s face it. Less guns = less gun crime.

Anyway …

I know it’s a slightly shorter roast this week, but I’m calling a halt due to the snow. Bye.

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Politicians Out of Touch, A Shaved Pooch and a Pop Comeback

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January 13, 2013

Dirty Deeds at the Council House.

I’m talking as though this is exclusive to my own town of Walsall, but I guess we are probably not alone.

Jan 13 - Walsall Council

Like many places, Walsall is facing hard times. High levels of unemployment, cuts to council services and most of the shops are shut because it’s too expensive to park in the town. Plus, nobody has any money. Nobody except our ruling councillors, that is.

The greedy sods, elected by the people of Walsall, this week stuck two fingers up to the residents by voting themselves a whopping big pay-rise. This is at the same time that hardworking council staff face their own cutbacks, many of whom have had wage reductions.

Sheriff of Nottingham Walsall, leader Mike Bird gets an increase of £4,500 a year while Sir Guy of Gisborn (deputy Adrian Andrew), gets an astounding £9k rise. Talk about robbing from the poor.

Despite widespread criticism, the ruling Conservative (in it for themselves) party proposed this outrageous motion. It was widely condemned by other groups and had the opposing Labour party not abstained from the vote, it would not have been passed.

Good going, Labour. When elected, you are given a vote in council and you should be duty-bound to use it. Not these useless bunch of cretins. Basically, Labour played their faces, pretended to say they were against the motion, but did not vote against it. They abstained. Now, they too will benefit from the rise. Nice for them. Well done. Two main parties in Walsall. One failed the people due to their own greed, the other failed by doing nothing about it. Which is worse?

And on the big stage …

There’s a big fuss about benefit reform at the minute. Yes, the system does need an overhaul but seeing the likes of Iain Duncan Smith with his holier than thou attitude, makes my skin crawl.

Iain Duncan Smith, a man so bad at his job when leader of the Conservative party a few years back, his own MPs got shot of him. Now he’s there again in a position of power, sending sick people back to work while telling us the poor can survive on £70-per-week. This is the parasite who spent £39 on a breakfast … then claimed it all back in expenses.

June 24 Iain Duncan Smith

Hope he chokes on his hash brown, next time.

Is this really the best headline a national newspaper could find?

There must really have been nothing going on in the news that day.

Jealous lover, Rob Davey shaved his girlfriend’s prized shih-tzu when he thought she’d been lying to him. He has now, rightly been fined heavily and had his punishment. But this … a major headline?

Okay, I know it’s really not funny, but I can’t help laughing at it. Come on, it’s not like the thing was injured. It’s a bloody dog. And why the hell did the paper black the dog’s eyes out; was it to protect its identity? I think you’d know if you saw it shivering in the street while trying to pee up a lamppost.

Still, I must show some sympathy. Imagine having your canine rights infringed like that. What a bad owner. A right little shi-tzu.

Heroes to Zeros …

Now that I’ve got the political tosspots and stupidity out the way, let’s have some music talk.

When I speak of heroes, one of my greatest has to be David Bowie. From my teenage years, I had the lot. Every new release, then collecting the back catalogue, all of them on vinyl. Heck, I even had the Deram stuff complete with the Laughing Gnome.

So it was with great trepidation that I clicked You Tube to listen to Where Are We Now, his first release in ten years. Well, my fears were not unfounded. David, you’ve done bugger all decent since 1983 (bar a couple of tracks here and there), and this is no different. It’s dire.

Jan 13 - David Bowie, Where Are We Now

Now I know the bandwagon are going to be wetting themselves but the guy is fallible, and has been during all the time I speak of. Yeah, I know it’s good to have new stuff. I often criticise those living in the past but in this case, I think I’ll stick to Aladdin Sane and a bit of Cracked Actor.

And another hero … but this one going out with a bang.

I was really saddened to hear about Wilko Johnson and the fact he’s been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. I can listen to those early Dr Feelgood tracks and still want to lose myself in the intoxication of jumping around the room. I finally saw him and his band a couple of years ago and it was some experience. Wilko has opted not to have any treatment but while he is still able, plans to do a farewell tour this year.

Jan 13 - Wilko Johnson

Don’t know if I could go. Bit emotional and I’m sure there are fans far more devoted than me who deserve the tickets to see him play. But … what an performer.

And scraping the bottom of the barrel of music …

A few weeks ago I reported that One Direction karaoke singer, Harry Styles, was dating the beautiful Taylor Swift. Well, it now seems old Harry has blown it and he and Taylor have split up.

What a plonker. I mean, who would want to blow Taylor Swift?

Jan 13 - Taylor Swift

Don’t answer that.

Farewell for this week …

I’m off to register myself as standing to be a local councilor. Don’t want the job but at least this time next year, I can award myself a massive pay rise after doing bugger all to deserve one.

Cheers.

 

Nick

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News of a Major Competition Win.

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January 11, 2013

Bit late in telling you all about this one but my latest writing success has now been published in the Writers’ News section of the current edition (Feb 2013) of Writing Magazine.

Writing Magazine Feb 2013 Story by Antony N Britt

My short story, Suspicion, won the 1000-Word Competition in the top UK writing magazine. I was well pleased. Thanks to all who have read it and given such positive feedback.

Link to purchase February 2013 edition of Writing Magazine.

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Into the New Year With a Little Gangnam Style.

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January 6, 2013

Well, at least that load of nonsense is over with for another year.

Yes, I’m referring to Christmas, and I guess I can truthfully say, it passed me by.

The one good thing about the Christmas holiday was I had David home for the duration. He is, as some of you will know, my heavily autistic son who is now at residential college. Now I say it was good to have him home, the downside of this was, I had to build his Thomas the Tank train track.

Jan 6 - Thomas the Tank Engine

There, just to prove I did it at least once.

Now I have to admit, construction was not without a few hitches. On the side of the box it is stated the age range is 3+. It also says adult assembly maybe required.

Maybe? There’s no maybe about it. Nearly an hour it took and this set is supposedly one of the more basic. Adult assembly? You need a degree in civil engineering to construct this set of suspension bridges. To be honest, I think it would have been easier to build a real suspension bridge.

Still, after much swearing at pieces of plastic, the thing was done as you can see above in all its glory.

I don’t know why I’m complaining. It could have been worse. I could have had to set up a game of Ker-Plunk.

At least in the UK, we’ve always had a postal service to be proud of.

If you have read many of my blogs before, you may suspect a hint of sarcasm in the above title.

For a while, I have had some boxes in my front lobby ready to go to the dump. I had a bit of time the other day so thought, yeah, I’ll take them. Before I did, I had a quick check inside. Don’t know why, I just thought I would. Then I remembered, it was because of what happened the last time. A couple of years back, I had more boxes of junk to be cleared and like now, they were in the porch. It was also Christmas, which was a coincidence. Anyway, these boxes were folded shut so imagine my surprise to look inside and find two Christmas cards within plus a red slip from the post office to say I had a parcel they’d tried to deliver but it had been taken back to the post office.

January 6 - Sorry You Were Out

Now to get these items into the box of clutter, the delivery person back then would have had to open the box to drop them in. It could have been worse. Previous postal workers over the years have left parcels in my rubbish bin, with Old Mad Woman who lives next door, and even round the back of my house, in the winter, where I didn’t go for weeks and when I did, I found a soggy, ruined parcel. Others attempted to redeliver even though I’d rung to say nobody would be in. Thankfully now, it has improved.

But back to the previous year’s experience. Never mind, I thought, I had the delivery ticket. So I rang the number given to see if they still had it. I got through fairly quick, only to be told by a recorded message that the easiest way collect was to go down to the post office.

Ah, trying to put me off. They weren’t going to beat me. So I hung on hold – for 15 minutes, then gave up.

I searched the website which resembled a bizarre cryptic treasure hunt devised by a lunatic. I tried to get to the page I wanted and when finally achieving my goal, I was met with the answer that, ‘The easiest way collect was to go down to the Post Office.’

Heavens, I thought. This was useless. Then I had the best idea I could think of. I reckoned the easiest way collect was to go down to the post office.

Therefore, I took off and made it with 30 seconds to spare (They were shutting early that day without telling anybody, save for a cardboard sign on the door, all because it was New Year’s Eve.

I collected my package, looked and saw the horror. It wasn’t even for me, it was for a neighbour. And no, it wasn’t the annual wrongly delivered Christmas card to the Stroods down the road. They’d had theirs for that year.

Why did I always get the bad service? Perhaps the Post Office were  just trying to annoy me.

Postal deliveries. Improved, but still much better when it was done by this guy.

Jan 6 - Postman Pat

Why?

I read recently there is to be a second inquest into the death of Amy Winehouse. What is the point of that? I think you’ll find after 18 months, she’s still dead.

Am I alone in the world?

Okay, I’m going to have to log into You Tube to check this out. It appears I am the only person on this planet who hasn’t a bloody clue what Gangnam Style is.

Back in a bit …

Jan 6 - Gangnam Style

Okay. Seen it – totally nonplussed. I think I can live my life without a little Gangnam in it, though it does remind me of something. It’s at the back of my mind. Where did they get the idea from?

Jan 6 - David Brent Dance

Ah yes.

Give that man a hand …

I read this week that the first hand transplant has been conducted in the UK.

January 6 - Hand

Hmmmm. Not sure I’d fancy it. I mean, how would the right hand know what the left’s been doing? The donor might have been addicted to internet porn. Ugh! Just keep that image in mind next time you pick your teeth with a donated hand.

And a Happy New Year to you all.

I did vow to put the roast on a diet. Chop it from the normal 1000 words to about 500. Failed miserably. It’s still nearing the usual figure. Oh well, welcome to the New Year and remember, only just over 350 shopping days till Christmas.

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

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December 30, 2012

Highlights of 2012

December 30 - 2012

What I thought I’d do this week is what many publications or television programs put out this time of year. We’re going to have a nostalgic look back at some of the pieces which I’ve roasted about during 2012. Or to put it another way – recycle a load of crap because I can’t be arsed to write a proper blog this week.

With that in mind …

January.

Ha! There was no January. I only started this site February 1. However, as I’ve pointed out on a number of occasions, the Sunday Roast ran for three years on Myspace. The decline of that site was the reason I decided to set up my own, but I am always thankful for Myspace,  even if it is now a total bag of shite.

June 10 Myspace

February.

Okay, this has to be one of my favourites, straight from the off.

Poor Roger Medwell. Imagine the scenario. You spend 55 years working for British Aerospace and on retiring as a director, they give you this …

Feb 12 roger-painting

Smile, Roger, smile. Stop gritting those teeth. You didn’t want a new surround sound system, anyway.

March.

If you follow my blogs, you’ll know I have a love/hate relationship with my own Walsall Council. I love to bait them, and they hate me for it. So much so, I’m told my site has been blocked, meaning council workers cannot read it while at work.

Anyway, after one of our spats, I trawled through their Twitter feed and came across this picture of their attempts to promote the town.

March 18 Hooker

What exactly are they trying to attract – prostitution? I think the idea was to display a layout for planned improvement. However, all it seemed to show was a damn good place to pick up hookers.

April.

This was a Titanic month. In fact, it was a theme which went on for quite a while. You see, I’ve always had this beef with the film, Titanic. You know, the fact that Rose is safe in the lifeboat but jumps back on board thus endangering Jack. All that, “I jump, you jump,” nonsense. If she’d stayed on the bloody lifeboat, Jack would have had that piece of wood to himself when the ship went down. Not only that, it was bloody well big enough for the both of them.

April 1 Titanic Water 2

Couldn’t she have given him a turn? And then there was his last words to her. “Don’t let go, Rose, don’t you ever let go.”

So what does she do? She bloody let go. Her may not have been dead, just in cold storage for a bit. What a cow.

May.

It was about this time I had loads of people searching for pictures of the dentally challenged when I did a bit about guests with bad teeth on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Sorry, no dentures today. That was drilled to death in the summer. Go and search the archives.

My favourite piece this month showed the fine line between humour and tragedy, and that newspapers need to have a bloody good copy editor before they send the thing to print.

A note to anybody in the newspaper industry. Always check for inappropriate advertising placement before you run a story above it.

May 6 Headline

June.

This was it, the month when I took the kids on their annual holiday, only for it to piss down all week. As well as getting rained on, I was kept awake with my caravan being ten feet away from a main road. I also faced financial ruin after spending all my cash in amusement arcades because I couldn’t go anywhere due to  the aforementioned rain.

But did it end there? No! Not only did the machines bankrupt me, they wouldn’t pay out on the few occasions I did win.

June 17 Fruit Machine

Yes, IOU £1. That’s the first time I’ve ever been given an IOU from a machine.

July.

And to celebrate his 94th birthday, Nelson Mandela turns into a chameleon.

July 22 Chameleon Mandela

August.

And I can’t believe after many months, some people were still using their search engines to find Jeremy Kyle Teeth and ending up with me.

No – still not going to show any pics but one thing I did comment on was the evolution of man. You see, scientists reckon in a few million years, the human race will have evolved into a higher and lower species.

Millions of years? It’s already happened. Look!

Aug 11 Evolution of Chav

Ascent of man? I bloody hope not.

September.

Bit of a quiet month over here, but not in Haren – Holland after some silly girl posted on Facebook that she was having a party. 4000 people gatecrashed the event causing riots and thousands of pounds worth of damage.

Sept 30 Haren

4000 people! Imagine. That’s 4000 people without a social life.

October.

I spent much of this month traumatised after a good friend of mine, Rich, pointed out that the picture of the smiling Aquafresh family from the 80s, seemed to suggest the mother and father were siblings and their child could be the result of an incestuous relationship.

Oct 21 - Teeth

I’m still receiving counselling.

November.

November – I saw this strange sight.

Nov 25 - Solo Chair in Wolverhampton © Antony N Britt

A single seat for shoppers to sit on. All the others in Wolverhampton Centre appeared to be of a two or three seat variety. However, this one was on its own. A seat for Nobby No Mates.

Only in Wolverhampton.

December.

Two words to sum up December.

December 23 - Bah Humbug!

So that was 2012.

Not sure how long I’m going to go on roasting. Could be time for a break. Like a jar of pickled onions, there’s only so much you can take before things start to repeat. I mean, how much more can I wring out of the Titanic nonsense, or talk about Gothic Girl while going on about people with bad teeth on Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, I certainly think I should leave the latter, alone.

December 30 - Jeremy Kyle Teeth

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Christmas … Bah Humbug!

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December 23, 2012

Humbug!

December 23 - Scrooge

And I mean that about Christmas. It’s all a load of nonsense. A marketing ploy by the retailers to get folk to part with cash they haven’t got thus putting them in debt. Having said that, I’m not being a total Scrooge, myself. I do buy presents, but the kids get those of a modest price. Teach them the values of life – right? And for something which is supposed to be a season of goodwill, I see very little of that. People fighting over the must have toys and arguing in the Frozen Foods at Morrisons. I even saw a group of Santa Claus’ engaged in fisticuffs outside a wine bar in the town centre the other day. And for what? No sooner have you wrapped the last present and hid them up the loft, Christmas Day is upon us, then Boxing Day and it’s all over. Months to get ready and the bugger’s over in two shakes of an old man’s beard. I mean, you can spend longer in the queue at Toys Я Us than you can cooking your turkey dinner.

And that’s another thing – Father Christmas. We spend all year educating our children not to talk to strangers and if a funny old man offers them sweets, they are to run and tell an adult. However, on Christmas Eve while Dad is covering himself in sticky tape and Mum’s got her head stuck in the turkey, your kids are upstairs, wide awake and excited. So what do you do? You go and tell them a lie.

‘Son, you know what we always say about not talking to strange people? Well, ignore it tonight. You see, a creepy old man with a beard and wearing a red suit is going to come into your bedroom, mess around, then leave again. If you hear him, don’t make a sound!

December 23 - Santa Claus Conqers the Martians

I don’t know about you, but he scares the shit out of me.

We’re still here.

December 23 - The End of the World

The Mayans got it wrong. As if it was ever going to happen. A lot of fuss about nothing. All those people talking about the end of the world like there was no tomorrow.

But back to Christmas presents.

Now what should I get for folk? A few weeks ago I told of the hideous cuckoo clock in the style of Queen Nefertiti. In fact, it wasn’t a cuckoo clock, it was a Queen Nefertiti clock. This week I had a look on the company website of the firm which sold the Queen Nefertiti clock, just to see if there was anything else which was as hideous and boy, I was not disappointed.

For £149.95 plus £9.99 postage, they are selling a 16” hand-crafted porcelain sculpture of Pippa Middleton

December 23 - Pippa Middleton Statue

That’s right. For an extortionate fee, you too can own a figurine of somebody who isn’t going to be the next Queen of England.

Pippa Middleton … Seriously?

Okay, if I don’t want to spend that much, I could look for a more budget buy.

I saw this in my local supermarket. A three DVD collection of Lance Armstrong’s career.

December 23 - Lance Armstong

That’s three DVDs for £5. Dear me, there’s nothing like a bit of drug taking and disgrace to get you sent to the bargain bin. Lance Armstrong for Christmas? I’d prefer to have Stretch Armstrong.

But talking of cheap and nasty Christmas presents …

The thing I am most grateful for at Christmas time, these days is that I am no longer related or obliged to have any contact with my ex in-laws. For the first ten years of married life, I only received one present off them. Having said that, even though I didn’t apply the same principles, I did try to get even. You see one year I was tasked with the duty of buying the pressies and I made sure I got the in-laws the cheapest, tackiest load of rubbish I could possibly have found. Hideous picture frames, hair curlers which would rip your hair to shreds … You name it, I got it. The thing is, it backfired. The in-laws had no taste. They loved the gifts.

After a while I stopped getting presents for them. Seeing as one half of them stole off me and other half knew about it, I used to think why bother? Just invite them round for Christmas dinner and they’d help themselves.

Christmas is two days away and I am worried about my neighbours friends.

Yes, no Christmas roast would be complete without the Stroods.

This year is the 16th Christmas in my house and without fail in the run-up, I get a wrongly delivered card to Mr & Mrs E Strood. The Stroods live one number higher than myself and are about ten metres down on the other side the road. The card is sent to them from friends, Betty and Bert, but it is always addressed incorrectly to my house. As a result, every year I mount a clandestine operation in the middle of the night to deliver it to the correct address, by hand.

IMAG0268

The view from my window with the Stroods house down the road on the right behind the hedge.

Why don’t I just tell the Stroods and hand it personally? Come on, I’m British. We only speak to our neighbours after spending twenty years nodding at one-another. The one time we communicate with the people around us is the time they move house. Then, and only then will we smile, go over to these total strangers and say, ‘Well, I see you’re moving, then.’

Year after year I mount my mission. One occasion I made a mess of it, set off two security lights, knocked over a wheelie bin and got chased by a dog, ending up in a hedge. Two years ago was really difficult. It had snowed. I left tracks everywhere and had to go out with a brush to sweep them away.

I was expecting to do this again but however, December 23 – No card.

Oh no! I’m worried about Betty and Bert. I hope nothing’s happened to them. I kind of got used to the card turning up. I’m going to be really disappointed if after all these years, the Stroods have finally told them the correct address.

Just done all my shopping and was asked that dreaded question.

‘Are you all ready for Christmas?’

Arrrggghh! Ready for what? I mean, it’s not like the world is going to end, that was last week.

Bloody Christmas. Scrooge got it right. Lot of fuss about nothing. Still, it is a time of joy and many folk are happy this time of year.

Yes … the retailers.

December 23 - Bah Humbug!

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – The Last Ever Roast … If The Mayans Got Their Calculations Right.

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December 16, 2012

The end of the world is nigh.

Dec 16 End of the World

Well it is if you follow the Mayan calendar. Apparently, next Friday, the world will come to an end because this is the date the Mayans foretold it would. I wouldn’t worry too much, they didn’t stop their own downfall coming so why should they have got this right. If they were that clever all those thousands of years ago, they’d have been working on space flight to get out the place pretty damn quick.

As I have said before, there is a possible explanation why their calendar ends 21 December 2012. Maybe they simply ran out of paper.

And if the world is going to end …

Is there any point in me going to see The Hobbit if I’ll never get a chance to see the other two films?

Dec 16 The Hobbit

Yes, I still can’t get over that one. The Hobbit is being made into three films. I loved Lord of the Rings. I’d waited years for such a fantastic version to be made and I could quite accept it being in three parts. But The Hobbit? Talk about milking an audience. I thought splitting Harry Potter into two was needless but Hobbit is only a couple of hundred pages long.

Am I being a grump when my first reaction to three films over three years was, ‘Oh Christ, do we have to do this again?’

So if I’m not going to watch The Hobbit due to the world ending, I’ll throw a pop concert instead.

And first on the bill will have to be Morrissey, mainly because he’s so blooming dull and pointless, it won’t matter that he’s the opening act. Nobody will mind as they’ll all be in the bar.

Dec 16 Morrissey

Morrissey, former front-man with The Smiths and singer of droning crap lyrics, made an astonishing rant this week. When speaking about the death of nurse Jacintha Salhanda, the woman who killed herself over the backfired Duchess of Cambridge radio prank, Morrissey blamed, not the Aussie DJs, but the Duchess herself. Makes a change. Didn’t the prat always sing we should Hang the DJs?

Morrissey questioned if the Duchess really was ill and it was her fault for being in hospital in the first place. The guy really is a moron. Not only that, he has caused me to defend the bloody royal family for the second time in two weeks. Grrrr!

Oh, let’s get the irritating ones out the way next.

I read this week that there was a plot to kidnap Justin Bieber and castrate him.

Noooooo! Do we need the little twerp to be able to sing in an even higher-pitched squeaky voice?

Dec 16 Justin Bieber

Yes, Justin, you do still have two. Maybe they’ll drop in a few years when you hit puberty.

Okay, so not only in this roast have I stuck up for the royal family again, I have Google-searched Justin Bieber. I’m going to have to delete my browsing history.

Which direction shall we take now?

Feb 26 One Direction

It’s going to be One Direction, here looking ridiculous in romper suits. Recently, band member Harry Styles has courted controversy by dating Taylor Swift. Apparently, their relationship has been likened to that of Yoko Ono when she gatecrashed the Beatles.

No. No, no, no, no no!

Difference: Taylor Swift has talent and is gorgeous. Yoko Ono just wailed into a microphone and looked like a … Okay, I won’t say it. Also, the Beatles are the biggest music act in history. One Direction (or 1D as they are trendily called) are a karaoke boy-band and one of a current breed of generic bags of shite whose instruments always appear to play themselves.

Now I mentioned the Beatles just then …

The music world was rocked this week when Paul McCartney teamed up with the remaining members of Nirvana. I’ve never known such an outcry. The horror of it. Saying that, all he did was jam on stage with Dave (God) Grohl, Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear.

Dec 16 Nirvana & McCartney

However for their next collaboration … a fresh recording of Smells Like Teen Spirit.

I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

And the headline act – direct from a train journey to Potters Bar.

80s Pop star, Kim Wilde was a little worse for wear when she boarded a train with brother Ricky after a boozy Christmas party. However, what I wouldn’t have given to have been a passenger and witness her slurring rendition of Kids in America.

Dec 16 Kim Wilde Train

Kim, your other early hit was You Keep Me Hanging On. Back in 1981, you kept this young teen of the time, hanging onto parts of his anatomy while looking at a poster of you taken out of Smash Hits Magazine. And for that, I thank you. Merry Christmas, Kim. Grow old disgracefully, that’s what I say. Rock & Roll.

But back to the impending doom.

So … If the world really is about to end, does that mean I don’t have to struggle with my Christmas tree? Yay! Okay, probably not a good reason to be thankful for the end of the world, but what should I do if it does look like it’s going to go bang? I know, I’ll dig out an old copy of Smash Hits and relive one or two happy childhood memories.

Dec 16 Kim WIlde

Cheers.

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – A Christmas-Free Zone, With Jokes Gone Badly Wrong.

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December 9, 2012

A brief note to all my readers …

There will be no mention this week of a certain event which occurs on the 25th of this month where the entire world goes mad over some mythical character, and I don’t mean the one in the red suit, either. I’ve had enough already and it’s still sixteen days away. Therefore, the other C-word is banned.

Think of the consequences before you pull a stunt like that.

This is what comes of our celebrity culture. You get knobs like those two Australian radio presenters – Mel Grieg and Michael Christian. They decided it was funny to ring King Edward VII Hospital where the future Queen Kate, Duchess of Wherever, was ill in hospital. Pretending to be the Queen and Prince Charles, they were astonishingly put through by nurse, Jacintha Saldanha. After being given personal details by another nurse, the two presenters hung up. Laughed at how clever they were.

December 9 - Australian Radio Twats, Mel Grieg and Michael Christian

Mel Grieg and Michael Christian – smugly pleased with themselves for pulling their stunt.

The consequence has been widely reported. Nurse Jacintha Saldanha apparently killed herself, reportedly distraught over the mess-up. Now who is to blame? Yes, procedure totally failed. She did wrong putting the call through. However, when you play a prank, it is only okay if everybody else taking part is in on the gag, apart from the victim, and then have the victim give the okay for it to be broadcast. Did these idiots in Australia have the permission of the royals to be stooges in this stunt? No, and I can’t believe I’m actually defending the royal parasites I hate so much, but in this case, I have sympathy.

The knock-on will see the media will whip up a storm against these two fools now and we may not have seen an end to tragedy. It’s done. Hard lessons learned. Leave them alone as they have to live with the fallout.

The presenters may have thought is a harmless joke and wouldn’t have done this in hindsight. However, at the very least, they must have known they’d put staff in a position of facing serious disciplinary action, all for a few laughs at the time. As it turned out, the nurse couldn’t cope.

It is reported Jacintha Saldanha had the full support of her hospital. However, I know, as in most public sector organisations, the majority of hardworking staff are supervised by middle-management tosspots who’d be looking to lay the blame at any door apart from their own. So think on folks before you play a joke. What could be the result from a few minutes of idiotic actions?

And The Sun’s take on this …

Scummy paper, The Sun, commented yesterday that the nurse’s death was heartbreaking and bewildering. They have lashed loads of sympathy. But aren’t they also to blame? It is papers like theirs who create this intrusive culture and obsession with celebrities. If people were more protected from vultures like those at The Sun, then perhaps two planks on an Australian radio show might have thought twice about invading privacy. Instead, they reckoned that as the press do it all the time, why shouldn’t they?

May 6 The Scum

But what else has the Scum been reporting?

I speak about consequences of jokes and how they could backfire, but what about when it backfires on yourself. When premiership footballer, Liam Ridgewell had a snap taken of him wiping his arse with a £20 note in order to wind up a mate who’d lost a bet, he didn’t think it would be passed around and end up in The Sun.

December 9 - Liam Ridgwell £20 notes

No, I don’t want to post a picture of him wiping his arse, he’s already made himself look enough of one anyway. Now the butt of all jokes (sorry, couldn’t resist that one), Liam was branded by The Sun as being the vilest footballer in Britain.

Come on, give the man a break. He may have had a perfectly good reason to use a £20 note as toilet paper. Perhaps he hadn’t had his copy of The Sun delivered that day?

Liberal Demolition.

It seems the Lib/Dems are on the verge of extinction after being wiped out in three local elections the other week. Well, you can’t say Nick Clegg and his pathetic party weren’t warned. That’s what you get when you sell-out your own principles for fifteen minutes of power.

December 9 - Nick Clegg

Ah, Nick, no wonder you look glum. Having broken the promises you made after deciding to turn your back on all who voted for you and use their support to prop up the Tory opposition your followers voted against.

I have to admit defeat.

Not often I say that but for only the second time in my life, I gave up on a book after struggling to read 100 pages. We Need to Talk About Kevin, by Lionel Shriver has sold millions and won awards. How? I couldn’t see it. Perhaps it’s just me. After taking ten tedious days of groaning at each page I turned, I thought it deserved no more of my attention. Very passive, lazy style full of needless waffle. 100 pages and bugger all has happened. It’s written in the form of letters from the main character to her estranged ex. If he had to put up with that all the time, no wonder he left and lives the other side of the world. I can imagine him hearing the letterbox and dreading. ‘Oh no, not another bloody one from her.’ Pages of his ex telling him their past. Er … he already knows.

December 9 - Corner reserved for crap books. © Antony N Britt

We Need to Talk about Kevin. Up the loft, waiting to be filed in the corner of books marked crap.

Back to an author I trust, methinks.

And following on from last week and the Simon Cowell observation …

Simon now says he can’t return to the UK version of the X-Factor without damaging the franchise on both sides of the Atlantic.

Oh, please do, Simon. Come back and destroy the show for good and stop filling our airwaves with bland generic karaoke singers recycling other artist’s crap.

Things that go clink in the night.

A family in Yorkshire had to flee their home after being disturbed by the clinking of cups as an alleged ghost, apparently kept trying to make cups of tea.

May 13 Ghost

The Doherty family left their council house after kettles were switched on and cups shook from their mug stand. Hmm, it’s always a council house in these cases. Looking to be re-housed, Mr Doherty? You think they’d be grateful. Why not leave all the mugs full of tea bags when you go to bed? Then you’ll have a steaming hot drink waiting for you when you got up in the morning.

That about wraps another roast …

And I didn’t mention Christmas, once.

December 9 - D'oh!

Did it, just then. Damn!

Cheers

Nick

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The Sunday Roast – Calendars, Christianity and Crap Cuckoo Clocks.

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December 2, 2012

A little festive message.

Following my post last week where I spoke about a house full of Christmas lights which Blackpool would be proud of, I can finally say one thing.

Dec 2 - December

Now … it’s okay to stick your decorations up.

So, what’s been happening in the news?

I know it was over a week ago, but the Archbishop of Canterbury said the Church of England has lost credibility after the motion supporting women Bishops was rejected. Credibility? I’m not sure a cult reliant on brainwashing kids from birth and filling their heads full of fairy stories with no factual basis has any credibility.

And talking of Christianity – or any religious nonsense, come to think of it …

I was reading about Two and a Half Men star, Angus T Jones, the other day. Haven’t seen the show for a few years but the once cheeky kid is now approaching 20-years-old. You’d think with the millions he earns (£200,000 an episode), he’d be happy in his life. But no, what does he go and do? He’s only found God and now proclaims the show which made his fortune is nothing but filth.

Dec 2 - Two and a Half Men 2

Angus, having a revelation.

Word from the wise, Angus. Don’t slag off the goose that laid your golden egg. But if you do have the courage of your convictions, are you now going to give all your immorally gotten gains to a church charity? Hmm … probably not. Hypocrite. It’s amazing how religion can make supposedly rational thinking people talk complete tripe.

Dec 2 - Two and a Half Men

Just thought I’d show a picture of the sitcom from a time before one of these actors lost the plot, acted like a complete moron and potentially killed their career. The other guy in the shot is Charlie Sheen.

The fix- factor.

I see Simon Cowell has been trying to contrive a result on his own show. He tweeted about X-Factor, last week.

Dec 2 - Simon Cowell

Smarten your English, Simon. UK should be in capital letters. Isn’t it up to the public to vote for their favourite, not for the ones Simon thinks will be the biggest star and make him the most money? Apparently, Simon fears a situation where he could have a poor result with some cheesy act triumphing. Heaven forbid. The last thing we want is another karaoke singer churning out bland cover versions.

Oh! Just realised. That is the job description of an X-Factor contestant.

And talking of rubbish TV shows …

I hate these celebrity reality shows, and non more than I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!

The hackles of dart player, Eric Bristow’s family have been raised this week. They want to sue the TV show as they say Eric had been badly edited and portrayed as a bully.

Dec 2 - Eric Bristow

What are they trying to imply, that the TV company has planted a double of Eric and ordered him to be mean? It’s a reality show! It doesn’t matter how much you edit something, if the guy’s said it, it has to be true.

Twits.

Mis-match?

Read a story about 72-year-old, Arthur Hughes who has ditched his wife to live with 27-year-old tennis coach, Sarah Douglas. Sarah’s mother isn’t impressed. She called Arthur, a dirty old man.

Rubbish. He’s a lucky old man.

A Christmas present nobody should be without.

Is this the tackiest ornament – ever? It was advertised on the back of a free magazine, and it can be yours in time for Christmas.

Dec 2 - Clock

Yes, the only cuckoo clock inspired by the wonders of Ancient Egypt.

The blurb says it plays an exotic melody (I bet it’s the sand dance). It also boasts Queen Nefertiti’s regal procession which actually (gasp) rotates around the base. And then (wait for it), the jewel in the crown of tat. Yes, on the stoke of every hour, a sculptured bust of Queen Nefertiti emerges from the centre of the mystical cuckoo clock.

Actually, it’s not a cuckoo clock, it’s a bloody Queen Nefertiti clock, but don’t worry, for an extortionate five installments of £25.99 plus £9.99 packing, it can be yours. Yes, that’s only £140 for the most hideous thing you’d ever want on your living room wall.

Seriously, do people actually buy these things? I reckon you’d have to be koo-koo.

And following on from the Jimmy Savile scandal …

It now seems former MP, Cyril Smith was a pedophile who sexually abused boys. He died two years ago yet was investigated in the 70s and the 90s on numerous occasions. Who allowed him to go unpunished and also, if his crimes were widely known before 1988, why was he knighted in that year?

It seems it’s not just the sex offenders who are guilty.

Charming treatment for a prince.

It’s normally The Sun newspaper I have a go at. However, this week, I saw an article on The Mail Online about pop star, Adam Ant’s current tour. Whoever captioned the photos in the article seemed to be full of themselves in the way they wanted to poke fun at how Adam struggles to fit into his costume these days, and that he is not such a Dandy Highwayman any more.

Dec 2 - Adam Ant

So – fucking – what!

Okay, Mr or Ms Mail Online Journalist, did you have three number one singles and an image instantly recognisable thirty years on?

No, I bet you bloody didn’t. Adam’s approaching sixty. Doesn’t mean you have to curl up and start wearing cardigans.

Adam Ant – Don’t you ever stop being a dandy. Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

Let the festive spirit begin.

My decorations may go up in about two weeks time. I think that’s more than festive for me. I should begin shopping though. Now, who can I give that Egyptian clock to?

Cheers.

Nick

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Two Short Stories Now Available in Darker Times Anthology – Volume One

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December 1, 2012

A few weeks back, I told how I’d won the Darker Times Fiction competition for October with my short story, The Original Mandlebury Ghost Hunt. That and another tale, Table Decoration, are both now available in the Darker Times Anthology – Volume One.

Darker Times Fiction run monthly competitions and you can find them here.

Darker Times Anthology – Volume One, is available to buy on Amazon in both print and Kindle edition.

Darker Times Anthology Volume One

Link to purchase print version from Amazon.

Link to Kindle edition. Downloadable from Amazon for £1.00

Cheers.

 

Nick

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