Highlights of 2012
What I thought I’d do this week is what many publications or television programs put out this time of year. We’re going to have a nostalgic look back at some of the pieces which I’ve roasted about during 2012. Or to put it another way – recycle a load of crap because I can’t be arsed to write a proper blog this week.
With that in mind …
January.
Ha! There was no January. I only started this site February 1. However, as I’ve pointed out on a number of occasions, the Sunday Roast ran for three years on Myspace. The decline of that site was the reason I decided to set up my own, but I am always thankful for Myspace, even if it is now a total bag of shite.
February.
Okay, this has to be one of my favourites, straight from the off.
Poor Roger Medwell. Imagine the scenario. You spend 55 years working for British Aerospace and on retiring as a director, they give you this …
Smile, Roger, smile. Stop gritting those teeth. You didn’t want a new surround sound system, anyway.
March.
If you follow my blogs, you’ll know I have a love/hate relationship with my own Walsall Council. I love to bait them, and they hate me for it. So much so, I’m told my site has been blocked, meaning council workers cannot read it while at work.
Anyway, after one of our spats, I trawled through their Twitter feed and came across this picture of their attempts to promote the town.
What exactly are they trying to attract – prostitution? I think the idea was to display a layout for planned improvement. However, all it seemed to show was a damn good place to pick up hookers.
April.
This was a Titanic month. In fact, it was a theme which went on for quite a while. You see, I’ve always had this beef with the film, Titanic. You know, the fact that Rose is safe in the lifeboat but jumps back on board thus endangering Jack. All that, “I jump, you jump,” nonsense. If she’d stayed on the bloody lifeboat, Jack would have had that piece of wood to himself when the ship went down. Not only that, it was bloody well big enough for the both of them.
Couldn’t she have given him a turn? And then there was his last words to her. “Don’t let go, Rose, don’t you ever let go.”
So what does she do? She bloody let go. Her may not have been dead, just in cold storage for a bit. What a cow.
May.
It was about this time I had loads of people searching for pictures of the dentally challenged when I did a bit about guests with bad teeth on the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Sorry, no dentures today. That was drilled to death in the summer. Go and search the archives.
My favourite piece this month showed the fine line between humour and tragedy, and that newspapers need to have a bloody good copy editor before they send the thing to print.
A note to anybody in the newspaper industry. Always check for inappropriate advertising placement before you run a story above it.
June.
This was it, the month when I took the kids on their annual holiday, only for it to piss down all week. As well as getting rained on, I was kept awake with my caravan being ten feet away from a main road. I also faced financial ruin after spending all my cash in amusement arcades because I couldn’t go anywhere due to the aforementioned rain.
But did it end there? No! Not only did the machines bankrupt me, they wouldn’t pay out on the few occasions I did win.
Yes, IOU £1. That’s the first time I’ve ever been given an IOU from a machine.
July.
And to celebrate his 94th birthday, Nelson Mandela turns into a chameleon.
August.
And I can’t believe after many months, some people were still using their search engines to find Jeremy Kyle Teeth and ending up with me.
No – still not going to show any pics but one thing I did comment on was the evolution of man. You see, scientists reckon in a few million years, the human race will have evolved into a higher and lower species.
Millions of years? It’s already happened. Look!
Ascent of man? I bloody hope not.
September.
Bit of a quiet month over here, but not in Haren – Holland after some silly girl posted on Facebook that she was having a party. 4000 people gatecrashed the event causing riots and thousands of pounds worth of damage.
4000 people! Imagine. That’s 4000 people without a social life.
October.
I spent much of this month traumatised after a good friend of mine, Rich, pointed out that the picture of the smiling Aquafresh family from the 80s, seemed to suggest the mother and father were siblings and their child could be the result of an incestuous relationship.
I’m still receiving counselling.
November.
November – I saw this strange sight.
A single seat for shoppers to sit on. All the others in Wolverhampton Centre appeared to be of a two or three seat variety. However, this one was on its own. A seat for Nobby No Mates.
Only in Wolverhampton.
December.
Two words to sum up December.
So that was 2012.
Not sure how long I’m going to go on roasting. Could be time for a break. Like a jar of pickled onions, there’s only so much you can take before things start to repeat. I mean, how much more can I wring out of the Titanic nonsense, or talk about Gothic Girl while going on about people with bad teeth on Jeremy Kyle.
Yes, I certainly think I should leave the latter, alone.
Cheers.
Nick
Antony N Britt - Author 